DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

[Butterfly75756]

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

Of course I would lie for my husband. I would draw the line if he hurt someone.

Run.

I would absolutely say “yes you do hate mushrooms”. Having come from a restaurant background the customer is always right anyway and the waitress is out of line for engaging in back and forth.

The fact this very minor thing escalated to the point you were crying at the table does not bode well for the future of your relationship. Bin this one OP, there’s not much point in seeing it through.

You sound like a nightmare customer!

The question was did I say no mushrooms?

Fuck. That. Run, don’t walk.

He will be in touch to ‘forgive you’. Do not take him back.

It will become a pattern of abuse.

Not if he was aggressively gaslighting the waitress

My parents had a restaurant, I worked there in my teen years. I would never have argued with a customer! It would have been “I’m I’m sorry, I’ll get this sorted for you” with a smile on my face.

My wonderful late DF always told me to steer clear of men who are rude to the waiting staff or taxi drivers...
It was very good advice

He needs to get in the bin. What a vile man. Bet the waitress and the kitchen staff thought so too.

Yeah - I've had similar, firstly in an airport and the subsequent conversation about how I should have backed his obnoxious self and comments up. I sadly kept up the pretend friends, low benefits situationship, and the only blessing was we rarely appeared together in public! Each and every time he'd air his very important pronouncements and it was mainly embarrassing even if not unfortunate for anyone in particular- though he got used to me 'not hearing' him tbf.
I found it actually spills over into the non public space and finally got bored of hearing him.
Later in life I'm sorry I didn't stand up against him if or when it overspilled to upset someone instead of pretending I didn't know him.
Yes I kept it going a while, but I wasn't looking for a full relationship and we weren't supposedly in one either - I'd reconsider the relationship before he advises you on what he expects from his girlfriend in future, and before he embarrasses everyone around you again, and well before you'd have to admit to being his partner in public and to people you know.

Why though! Why is it unacceptable to be a dickhead anywhere else, but fine in a restaurant?!

Yes, this was my red flag but I did not listen. It took me twenty five years to finally LTB, I just could not take it anymore.

You sound like an awful customer….

As I said previously!

As the employee of your parents you wouldn’t lose your job or money.

But you’re backing up a lying partner or child “coz we are family” could lose someone their job!

VILE!!!

Unbelievable

Let's look at getting things in perspective. Has he actually had to deal with any real problems in his life?

Imagine that either you, or him, or your child, or a sibling or a parent becomes ill - and let's say that it's not immediately clear what the problem is, and that months of uncertainty follow, where the possibility is that it could be life limiting or disabling? How might he react to that?

Let's consider a random event happening outside your control - a car accident, a flood, a tree falls in your house.

Let's consider a bad decision - you employ the wrong tradesmen, you lost money through a bad investment, an insurance claim isn't covered, you buy a car with problems.

Consider one of you losing your job through redundancy.

Seriously - has he not encountered any real problems in life that might have helped him calibrate the scale against which "bad things happening" are measured? Think - is he going to be there for you - or, in fact, any use to you - in any of these situations? I think not.

Does he complain when he can't find a matching sock (presumably because YOU didn't pair them up or were careless when you did the washing)?

Why is he asking you for support - was he not sure himself? Why didn't he have the self assured confidence to simply assert that he definitely did explicitly say that he wanted his order without mushrooms? If my partner thought I was in the wrong - they'd tell me... and I'd expect them to.

I think he needs to grow TFU.

Totally missing the point of the thread here but by an odd coincidence the mushrooms thing was an example given to me by my therapist when trying to teach me how to be assertive and stop my people pleasing tendencies.

She said,
Say you go to a restaurant, order a meal but ask them to leave out the mushrooms because you absolutely hate mushrooms. How would you respond if your meal, that you are paying for, arrived with mushrooms. You wouldn't just say thank you, pick them out, eat it and pay. Would you. That's not what you ordered. You would complain and ask for the error to be rectified. Of course, I am not saying you need to be rude but you do need to not just accept other people's mistakes as your own. You need to tell people if they have wronged you. Eating those mushrooms is the people pleasing response. Speak up.

She used restaurant examples a lot. Looks like she's in a minority of being willing to complain in a restaurant.

I'm aware that's a personalised odd coincidence.

I only say this because people are assuming OP's partner failed to ask for no mushrooms when it is perfectly possible he did ask and OP didn't notice. She did say that she wasn't paying attention when he ordered. I, personally, would expect my partner to believe me and back me up. He was not unreasonable to expect to be backed up and not have her bawling her eyes out in the middle of a restaurant.

There's been a lot of negatives added to his behaviour by respondants that show no evidence of having happened in the opening post but there is nothing new there. There's also a lot of support for a waitress whose behaviour is being assumed as completely positive with zero evidence she wasn't the one behaving like an arse.

Oh dear.

Did your marriage vows include and lie for?

How do you know whether he’d hurt the waitress, she could be deducted money or sacked? Or is it only physical hurt you think important?

Not the fact her rent can’t be paid?

Are you really that immoral? What a bloody low life!

@Dogstar78
If you have that much of an emotional reaction to a vegetable

Howling!!!!!! 😂

Fascinating- even if it meant he tried to gas light a waitress?!Not sure how you could do to this and keep a clear conscious. I would feel really guilty as it doesn't feel right and don't think it's also good role modelling if you have children. It's not about ' having each other's back' it's about honesty and integrity.

MN law of the First Post, in action.

We should call this 'MNs Razor'

Omg some people are really not getting it! Weather or not he said no mushrooms does not matter, what matters is him expecting her to lie for him and wanted to break up because she did not. This is hilarious!

No, I absolutely would not lie for anyone, that is just how I was brought up. I would just say, I am sorry darling, I did not pay attention. The fact that he got so angry over it is a red flag and I say LTB!

It made me feel quite uncomfortable. This rule could really spiral with certain members. I wonder where the line is drawn…

Why would you lie for anyone ?

Define 'hurt' ?