DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

[Butterfly75756]

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

He is an absolute arsehole. How long have you been together.

Dump him asap.

Well yes, he has to turn on the the charm occasionally, I mean if he was criticising and undermining you from the get go you wouldn't have lasted more than a couple of dates. He isn't occasionally nice because he is a nice guy, he is nice because its all part of the game/abuse, plus he obviously has to be nice to you around friends and family for a while anyway. As the relationship goes on the flashes of the nice guy will be turned on less and less frequently because he won't need to reach for that tool to keep you in line as much, it gets harder and harder to leave the longer you stay

He is WRONG

A healthy relationship is when your partner does NOT criticise and belittle and gaslight you all the time.

Are you allowed to criticise his clothes and hair or compare him with other men?

This is so obviously NOT a healthy relationship.

You need to get rid.

He’s a typical controlling bully. Does something nice which softens you up “oh he’s so lovely “. Then blindsides you with criticism and nastiness. You stay because you know he CAN be nice…..but and here’s the thing, he can be nice but only when HE chooses. The rest of the time he treats you how he wants to. and it’s then that your confidence and self-worth takes a hammering.

Do you find yourself on pins around him, humouring him, agreeing with him, hoping this particular outing keeps him sweet to protect yourself from his vile comments, but yet really knowing his next unwelcome insult could only be a heart beat away?

You are worth so so so much more than this. A relationship should be uplifting, not what you describe.

I'm sorry OP but yes this is abuse. You do need to leave but please do it safely. He sounds so horrible I am worried he would turn nasty. That shouldn't stop you but speak to a domestic abuse organisation for support with leaving safely.

In healthy relationships, people don’t swear at you or call you stupid.

This guy has more red flags than communist Russia…

@Butterfly75756, these pictures are from the Freedom Programme: https://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/online.php

Note, please, "Mr Right" is like this ALL the time. He doesn't just plop a few nice things in amongst his "Wrong" behaviours to trick you into putting up with a dominator. You deserve a Mr Right.

Ahhhh the abusers playbook. Acts dreadful, so bad that you consider leaving. They seem to sense when they’ve taken it that far because suddenly they will become AMAZING, the BEST version of him that you’ve ever seen. This will go on for a couple of weeks and you start thinking that you were crazy to think that they were bad, they are just the most wonderful person on the planet!

then it starts again.

It’s always tricky to explain the whole dynamic of a relationship to others but I have to say on what you’ve shared so far, his behaviour is really not healthy at all. I appreciate that there may be some good times, but it’s all on his terms, when/if that’s his mood. His comments to you are unkind and unnecessary and in no way meet basic expectations of how a loving partner should treat you. He says he wants to break up and this is the perfect opportunity for you to say, ‘I’m relieved you’ve said that because I’ve not been happy for a while…’. He sounds like he spins things so he is always the victim even when he is the one behaving badly. You say you are emotional wreck but you are reacting to horrible behaviour, your gut is telling you that it’s not ok and has likely been telling you for some time. Please follow that instinct and make your life better and more free.

I cant bare anyone who treats waiters waitresses like shit ... I'd of plonked the meal over his stupid rude head !! In a mood over mushrooms ffs !!

Please leave this abusive relationship and do the freedom programme online.

You know deep down how he treats you is wrong. It maybe hard but staying with him will be hard also. Choose your hard!!!

Wow. Get out of there, immediately and don’t look back. What an utter 🔔 🔚

How long have you been with Jim, do you have kids? If no kids - grab your bag and run for the door RIGHT NOW.
He is not partner material and certainly not parent material. Get out asap.

I've just read through your posts and the ones were he feels the need to treat you horribly speak to you horribly compare you to people on the Internet who arnt even real people it's all for social media.
I am gobsmacked.. I'd leave this man without another thought .
Someone who loves and respects you does not treat you or speak to you this way.
That song " These boots were made for walkin" would be running through my head.
Drop him seriously .

I rarely say this but you definitely need to leave him.

To answer a few questions - we aren't married. Don't live together. I own my own house where I live with my daughter. He lives about an hour away.

I have found the courage to end the relationship. Hopefully I'm strong enough to follow through!

Just remember if/ when you try to end things. He will argue his way out of it. You don’t have to justify why you are ending a relationship, you don’t have to be “in the right” or need their permission. You can just do it. They don’t have to agree with your reasons, you don’t even have to give reasons, you can just walk away.

Then expect some attempts to love bomb you with promises to change. He won’t change, ignore him. Then there may be some abuse. Block him, keep yourself safe.

Have courage, you’re worth much more than this twat.

He does sound like a bully - this can’t be an isolated instance?

And what would his reaction be if you said anything critical about him to his face? Like him always comparing you to others. Like him having to always "win". Like when he expects you to lie for him.

Oh look - I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his. Tells you everything you need to know about what he really thinks about telling unpleasant truths to your partner doesn't it?

You have a daughter! You need to keep that abusing POS away from her. And that quote about when he explains things... please look up what DARVO is. I hope you follow through with dumping him

Will you update when you’ve done it OP and tell us you are safe, a lot of us on here will worry about his reaction. If he can sit and make you cry for 20 minutes in a restaurant, who knows what he can do behind closed doors

Absolute tosser. I'd have walked out with the way he spoke to the waitress. What he then said to you would be the final nail. Please get rid, he's a nasty piece of work.

You are worth so much more than this and you need to set a good example to your daughter.

Well done for ending the relationship - what an absolute bellend!

Work on your self esteem and raise your bar.

Good luck OP :-)

Your response is not the issue here, he is! Anyone being rude to waiting staff, shop assistants, etc is a massive red flag for me on its own, and then he wants you to back him up while he’s doing it? He sounds like a bully. Well done for having the courage to dump the twat xx