DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

[Butterfly75756]

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

The whole 'I'm going to end the relationship because you don't do what I say' trope is a typical narcissistic control strategy. It's straight out of the play book. Look into narcissist techniques I bet he has other boxes checked. And I bet this isn't the first time he made you question yourself.

An adage I've always gone by is that you treat everyone with courtesy be they a' Duchess or a Laundress' This lack of courtesy and maturity in the restaurant, is how he is also treating you. Don't allow it or trust me you are going to have many a 'tear stained pillow'. End it now,for the sake of your future sanity. All the best to you!

So in this context, 'I need to know you have my back' means 'I need you to compromise your moral code if it benefits me'.

I have actually split up with someone because they asked me to lie in order to get them out of a situation that they had entirely created themselves and for which they really ought to have taken responisibility.

"Oh, come on - everyone does it!"

"Not me, sunshine. Bye."

To be honest, I'd be reconsidering the relationship too.
First off, making a big thing out of a minor mistake (just don't eat the effing mushrooms).
Second, having a 20 minute strop over it - really?
Finally, demanding that you tell a (admittedly minor) lie and upsetting you.
He sounds like he's got some serious anger management issues, and you'd be better off without him.

HE wants to end the relationship?! Don't you too?!

OP he sounds awful and you sound a bit ground down by his emotional abuse. Do you want to open up to us what other things he's done that have had you wondering about emotional abuse? Let us help you see this for what it is. An abusive relationship.

You deserve better.

First, he needs to grow up.
Second, his attitude to you sounds like he was looking for a way out already

NRTFT

He's a fucking arsehole

He's shown you who he is. Believe him.

Throw him back, it isn't worth it and never will be

This is such a red flag, run!

No man should ever make you feel how he made you feel at dinner. Please reevaluate the relationship!

Don't listen to most of these women on here, however you do need to grow a back bone. If you genuinely didn't hear him say what he had supposed to have said then fair enough but you certainly should not lie for him, but if he feels that something so small should make him say "he needs to reconcider the relationship" then maybe he needs to get a grip, unless you sheep away with every confrontation.

Red flags waving madly.
Just leave him. He won't suddenly become nicer

Grown man acting like a child. My four year old wouldn't even behave like this. What an embarrassment he is. I agree with everyone else, you're better off without him.

I hated mushrooms up to adulthood. My aunt didn´t know and when I was 13 she served me a dish that contained them. I picked them out and placed them in a long neat line all around the plate. I ate the rest. She till comments on this now when food dislikes come up, and I am 50 now.
As for abusing waitresses. My gran always said, pay attention to how a man treats those he thinks are beneath him, it will tell you all you need to know. Smart lady.

The way I see it your partner should be your best friend.

Would you treat a best friend this way? Or allow a man to speak to your daughter this way?

NO - dump now.

How old is he? 12? What a child! Send him home to his mother

I didn't see anywhere that the boyfriend was rude to the waitress? It was the OP that he had a go at for 20 minutes.

If anything, it sounds like the waitress might have been rude to him when he pointed out that his order was wrong. It's not just customers who should be polite to wait staff, it works the other way around too.

Red flag! Run a mile from this bully!

This, major red flag, 'It's okay to be horrible to people who are (I see as) beneath me.

Horrid man, OP.

If he forgot to say no mushrooms, OR said no mushrooms and they forgot, It's either pick them out, or if he genuinely, really cannot stand them, 'I'm so sorry, I thought I'd ordered this without mushrooms, are you able to remove them for me?'

His fault if he forgot, simple mistake and easily remedied if they forgot. Fine to ask you if you remember but not fine to then be awful to you for giving a genuine answer.

Did you order a dickhead with an attitude problem? Dump the nasty bastard

Then I end up apologising.

If you are constantly apologising it is because he is being abusive.

@Butterfly75756 His behaviour in the restaurant was awful. Was he rude to the waiting staff as well?

It sounds like he is doing you a favour by ending it. You will so much happier without this confidence sapping misery in your life. If he doesn't end it please do so yourself. Being on your own is better than being with someone gaslights you and makes you fell bad about yourself.

I'm not a woman mush, this bloke is obviously a cock, OP needs to bin him last week, no manners, simple as that. Nothing to do with being a sheep or scared of confrontation, when out with your lady you act like a gentleman, not a twat!

A few examples -

On another meal out, I wore some jeans that he didn't like. He told me to burn them and never wear them again. He then was comparing me to other women in the restaurant and said I looked out of place.

It was his cousins baby shower and he had asked my advice about what to get as a gift. I suggested a nice outfit for the baby. He didn't like that idea and said no to everything else I suggested. I eventually told him to just get a gift card if he wasn't sure. Hours later he called back saying his mom had said that, that was a terrible idea and told me I had "taken advantage" of the fact he'd never been to a baby shower before and given him a shit idea on purpose. I was very confused about the whole thing.

Another time, we ordered Chinese and had to go and collect it. They only accepted cash and both of us had somehow forgotten our cards, so we couldn't withdraw any cash. I was apparently "stupid" for doing this and was told to "shut the fuck up" when I brought up the fact he'd also forgotten his.

On a day out, he randomly told me he hated my hair and I shouldn't do it like that again.

He always says I never make any effort with my appearance, which is baffling to me because people have always told me I look nice. I'm known as "the glam one" at work.

Has sent me the profiles of instagram influencers who he thinks I should get tips from.

Honestly there's loads of stuff, and writing it all down makes me realise how bad it is. But there are good times. Amazing times in fact, where I'm in tears from laughter, he's really loving and affectionate and he's telling me how much he loves me. It makes all the bad stuff go away. Until it happens again.