DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

[Butterfly75756]

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

What a ridiculous rule

Keep the mushrooms, send the DP back.

If he wants to break up over something so trivial then he must have been looking for an excuse to begin with. I guarantee if it hadn't been the mushrooms it would have been something else.

If he doesn’t like them then he probably did but agree we don’t know for sure.

The mushrooms and whether he ordered it without them are a separate issue (though with someone like this who always has to be right, I can easily imagine he didn’t and then tried to rewrite history). What would piss me off more is if I was the partner and he turned to me demanding to be backed up. Rude and controlling. If he wants to dispute something with the waitress/restaurant that’s on him, I would back up if it was obviously them in the wrong but otherwise leave me out of it. My ex was like this - apparently expecting us to think as one and that I’d always agree with him and he could speak for me. Used to really piss me off.

As for crying - I cry easily and hate confrontation, especially in public. I totally get it and I don’t think crying is a sign of weakness or not “getting a grip”.

While this comment might not seem the most helpful, it does hit the nail on the head.

Why is it that in a confrontation with a waitress over food that wasn't yours are you the one that ends up in tears?

I'm not saying this from the perspective that you've done anything wrong, just that it is the most important question to ask yourself.

This wasn't your fight and yet somehow he made it your fault. And you've already noticed there's a pattern to this.

At worst this man is emotionally abusive. At best he's a rude arsehole who thinks it's okay to take his frustrations with other people out on his girlfriend in public.

Do you really want to go out for meals that make you feel like this for the rest of your life? Find that strength and tell him you agree, this shows up fundamental differences in how you think it's appropriate to treat people and so it is the end (although I'll guarantee he didn't really mean it and is just using it as a tool to ensure your compliance in future).

So first he bullied the waitress, which is always a red flag. Then he bullied you for 20 minutes so you ended up crying at the table in the restaurant.

He should be so lucky as to be in a position to feel the need to "rethink" the relationship. When are you dumping him?

It's not really about the mushrooms is it? He's a controlling brow beating little shit and I'd take him up on his offer of a seperation if I were you. I have no time for bullies and neither should you. Line up your ducks so you know your position and take some control.

Yes!

he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Also, men like this will use this kind of threat to punish you for not agreeing to be controlled. The idea being that you buckle under and do what you’re told next time/always behave like his little cheerleader for fear of being dumped.

I bet my arse if you said “OK dear, you’re right we shouldn’t be together, bye then” he’d have a fit and start trying to stop you from ending it.

But end it you definitely should as this shit always gets worse. But take care as I predict he will not take it well.

You have misunderstood the situation OP. He doesn't want to end the relationship, he is just following the abusers handbook and using the threat to 'put manners on you' and further emesh you in this relationship. You need to get out before you are left as a shell of yourself

I agree if he had asked for no mushrooms it wasn't gaslighting but based on the OP i was assuming he hadn't asked for mushrooms - she said she couldn't remember to avoid confrontation, waitress was adamant he hadn't. You've interpreted it the other way round which is fine. Either way we agree he's horrible!

I'm pretty sure it would be illegal to take the price of the meal from the waitresses wages.

Seems he was being an idiot and the waitress arguing back unnecessarily.

Oh and as for crying at the table over it, how embarrassing.

OP, I guarantee that every other person in that restaurant that night was willing you to walk out on him. Even the waitress would have lent you a tenner for a taxi. Your 'D'P is a bully, a controller and an obnoxious twunt.

Tell him you'll be glad of the chance to rethink the relationship while he's gone. Oh, and he won't go unless you make him. He wants you to beg for him to stay.

It might be “illegal” it doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen though.

Can you give me the info where it has happened then ( in the ™ UK)

Neither did OP which is why she wouldn’t comment.

He showed you who he is and you cried? Your question is the wrong one. You should have got angry. Told him if he can’t treat people better than that, you are done with him..not even rethinking the relationship because he let his mask slip and you got to see the nasty underneath.
It was inevitable. If it wasn’t that, it would be something else. Tell him , goodbye.
Honestly. This was a whole parade of red flags

Oh , that sounds classic. As for keeping the peace? Whose peace are you keeping. Appeasement doesn’t work. It encourages the bully to push further because they got you to concede. If you stay, you will lose yourself completely.
If you make the wise decision to dump him, prepare to be love bombed and begged. He will say he’s sorry , will change…yeah for 5 minutes. Don’t listen to any pleas. Be strong. Walk away. You will thank yourself later

edited a typo

For me: Bullying waitstaff is a NO. Asking you to lie for him is a NO.
Reducing you to tears then telling you you are embarrassing him, is a NO.
In a way it's good you got such a clear example as you can now decide what to do with this information about him.

Do you live with your partner, OP?

It's those seemingly insignificant interactions between couples which paint a much bigger picture of the health of the relationship as a whole.

Better to get out while you still have some sanity left rather than getting further enmeshed and you have lost all confidence, become a shell of your former self and then feels too late.

Going out to dinner should be a nice fun treat!

Just what would you like as evidence? Do you think people write news stories on this? Do scientific research?

Don’t be ridiculous.

Can people please stop trying to make fucking stupid puns using the word ‘mushroom’?
I married, and then subsequently dated people not dissimilar to this horrible man, and I think it’s really insensitive to make fucking lame, unfunny ‘jokes’
I remember crying/holding back the tears in public too and being berated for it.

Thank you.

So you are just talking shit then. If any restaurant did this then no waiting staff would work for them. Unless they were working illegally under the radar