DP wants to end relationship over misunderstanding with waitress

[Butterfly75756]

Went out for a meal with DP and all was going well. That was, until the mains arrived, and DP was adamant he had ordered his meal without mushrooms, yet his food had arrived containing them. A bit of a back and forth started between him and the waitress, who was saying DP definitely didn't ask for no mushrooms.

DP then turns to me and says something along the lines of, "Tell her I ordered no mushrooms". I immediately felt embarrassed and mumbled, "I can't remember". I hate confrontation and I genuinely couldn't remember.

The waitress eventually took the food back to go and fix the apparent mistake and DP was absolutely fuming saying even if I couldn't remember, I should have lied and said that I did and he kept repeating "Don't you know I don't like mushrooms?" After about 20 mins of being in a strop, he said that he would now have to reconsider the relationship as he doesn't want to be with someone who 'doesn't have his back'

Like the emotional wreck that I am, I began crying at the table and he told me to stop because I was embarrassing him.

So my question is, was I wrong to say I couldn't remember or should I have lied?

If he doesn't have the people skills to reject the plate politely, then he probably doesn't yet have the people skills to be a respectful partner in a relationship.

A little charm and humility go a long way, even when you need to be firm because of an allergy or dietary restriction.

So an error was made - his or hers, it really doesn’t matter. He made it into a massive deal and all about himself with no thought for anyone else or the scene he was causing. You don’t need to ‘have the back’ of someone who is making an absolute spectacle of himself over some mushroom. He’s an idiot.

May I add: after you've disentangled your finances, legal agreements , packed and moved out.
People like OP's dp deserve to be blindsided.

Overwhelmed with the response on this thread! Thanks everyone. Some pp's have mentioned he sounds emotionally abusive - I have wondered for a while if I am in an emotionally abusive relationship, but I always come up with excuses and convince myself I'm the one in the wrong. Then I end up apologising. Sometimes just to keep the peace, not because I've actually done anything wrong. I don't know why I do this. I used to be so confident and sure of myself. You have all inspired me to find that person again. Thank you ❤️

Please please end it with this awful man & update us. Hope you’re ok ♥️

@Butterfly75756 Because he's worn you down and will destroy you if you don't get out. Keep up appearances. Plan your move and get out while he's at work, out of town, whatever. Then block and don't look back.

If he did indeed ask for no mushrooms, then he wasn't gaslighting the waitress, it seems likely he did ask for no mushrooms.

He's a dick whatever and OP should bin him off IMHO, plus the restaurant has pretty poor service and training of staff, if the customer has a complaint, it needs fixing - in a public venue like a restaurant you will get chancers, but others are paying for a peaceful/romantic/relaxing night. A good waitress/restaurant would just have fixed it.

“I used to be so confident and sure of myself. You have all inspired me to find that person again” - good for you! First step, get rid of this guy who is clearly undermining your confidence. You absolutely deserve better.

Thanks for such a helpful comment 😅

If your relationship makes you feel like an emotional wreck, then it’s best to end it. Your BF sounds like an arsehole. That said, I don’t think the waitress should have argued with him about his order. That is poor customer service.

Thank you for updating us. The army of mumsnet speak from experience. Find your wonderful self again and break free-he is not your person and don't let him define you.

You deserve to be loved and respected. Start with respecting yourself and find your inner strength and leave this relationship or let him believe that he is leaving you. Good luck. You can do it!

Well I wouldnt if I was sure that the person who ordered didnt order what they say they did.

Had a guy a not long back who totally fucked up his wifes order. Say she wanted lasagne and he ordered fish and chips. She was confused and said I must have got the wrong table as that wasnt what she ordered. I was running the place on my own so took their order and delivered it, so I knew that it was what he had ordered. He kicked off, admitted he had fucked up but then demanded I change her meal and bring him a fresh dish for himself so they could eat together. I said I was happy to do that if he paid for the new meals, as they had been given what they ordered so I was not prepared to write off two meals. The days of "the customer is always right" are long gone, thankfully.

He went mad, she cried and said she would eat what I had delivered and he said no and they left, leaving behind two paid for meals. Sadly they were in their 60's ish at a guess, I doubt she would bin him. But the OP can, and should.

Not that old chestnut!

Tbf, there's not mushroom for doubt! He's really pushing your buttons and he's obviously a man with no morel fibre

@PyongyangKipperbang that's a really sad story. Imagine the life that poor woman is living with such a controlling man. If he was like that in public it's horrifying to think what he must be like behind closed doors. A lifetime of abuse that she has had to endure and likely to until death do they part!

This is crazy. If he wants to break up with you, I think you should thank him.

Agree :) Comment of the day:)

No one in the family can be seen to be wrong in public?

What's that about?

OP if it were me I'd end it and get out and not have that knob calling the shots by saying he's going to reconsider the relationship and expecting you to beg him not to end it.

Take control of your life and tell him it's over for you and don't look back.

Better off without him love. Sounds like a total dick.

and this is exactly how emotional abuse works.

It might be worth you contacting your local Women's Aid to see what courses they have.

It is appalling.

I remember pre covid we had a regular couple who would come in to my place at the time. Every Tuesday, same table, same meal all demanded by him. He hated me because I was the manager and a woman! When I first met them he said that he only dealt with the manager (dick move straight off), and his face when I said "Yes, thats me!" He treated her appallingly and she would just take it and placate him. It breaks my heart thinking how he must have been with her at home. They were, at a guess, pushing 80's so she had had a lifetime of it. He was a horrible bully and the reason he only dealt with the manager was that he was so vile to the all female wait staff that we wouldnt let them go anywhere near him, he formed a part of the handover info I was given! Of course he took it to mean that he got special treatment from his fellow men who understood his importance, not that we could see a weapons grade arsehole from 5 miles away.

At the time I had not long escaped my v abusive exH so maybe it upset me more, but she was beaten down and just seemed so sad.

Its creepy.....

Ohhh, so you're the unreasonable one berating wait staff for an order you didn't make? 🙄

If you’re wondering if you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship then it’s extremely likely that you are, and you’ve been gaslighted to doubt yourself that you are. He sounds awful OP. I hope you don’t have children or own a house with this charmer.

OP, your partner is a bully and tried to coerce you to gang up in the waitress over some bloody mushrooms!

Honestly, he's the sort of person who would get their food spat on, with that sort of behaviour.

Agree to ending the relationship. He's doing you a favour and you deserve better than this!