AIBU - Friend has 'stolen' party idea

[Homer28]

Hi,
As a family we often go to an adventure centre/party place around 75 mins drive from our home town so not local and never been invited to a party there before. Last year we did a party there at the centres waterpark for my daughters 10th birthday.

This same venue, which throws excellent parties and has lots of party options from bowling to waterpark etc and also has an aerial assault course but it has an age/height limit. My daughter has said for a couple of years that when everyone is 10/11+ she will do a party there as its cool/scary.

This year in December (party isn't until June) she asked if she could have her party there in June. Her dad was concerned that in theory its a brilliant day out but that people may be afraid of the heights/parents may be hesitant and it could not be as exciting as shes thinks.
I text another parent of two of her friends for a second opinion and she thought it was a cool idea (wasn't aware this existed) and her kids would love to go!.

Cue this month when she tells me she is booking this for her daughters party in April. I gently suggested that the two girls having the same party might be an issue as its important at 10 to have the 'cool' party and they like to put an individual stamp on it and the parties will only be 8 weeks apart. She disagrees and thinks a party venue is open to all kids who wish to have their parties there.

I was pre empting the upset from my 10 year old who laments that shell be chastised by the class for 'copying' the first birthday girl and it takes the shine off her idea which has been brewing for a while.

AIBU to be annoyed?

YABU - You don't own a party idea!
YANBU - Its not cool to hear an idea from a friend and pip them to the post on it.

That’s understandable to an extent, of course, but what she’s teaching her daughter (the friend) is that other ppl don’t count and you always look out for no1, at the expense of hurting others’ /their feelings.

Survival of the fittest, dog eat dog, however you care to phrase it - it’s putting yourself before ppl you are supposed to care about, not even random strangers.

Prioritising yourself and your children in certain circumstances is the right thing to do, but not all the time. The mother sounds entitled and is teaching her daughter this is the correct way to behave. Unless pol like OP push back, ppl like this go through life doing what they want and expecting no one to put up any resistance as it makes things ‘awkward’ and uncomfortable. They rely on other ppl to stay silent and bend over.

Well done for saying something to her OP. I probably wouldn’t make a thing of it overtly, but I’d be telling other mums you told this woman you were planning this activity for your daughter and despite you worrying it may upset your daughter (and telling her this) she went ahead and booked after saying she probably wouldn’t. She’s a twat.

OP can you lay out a timeline? First discussion, you booking, her booking, invites going out?

Send the invites now - for a party in June? It's not a royal wedding.

That’s understandable to an extent, of course, but what she’s teaching her daughter (the friend) is that other ppl don’t count

By having a party 2 months apart at the same venue taht offers children's birthday parties as their line of business? What next, survival of the fittest and what a horrible cow, bought their DD a skirt from Next when my daughter wanted to be the first and only to wear that skirt! Dared to have a sleepover, my daughter wanted to have a sleepover! Absurd.

But it's exactly what OP is doing by priortising her daughter too. She had what was deemed to be the 'cool party' last year (at the same venue) and it seems like OP and her daughter insist on being the ones to have the 'cool party' this year and are more upset that they actually might not be the ones this year because of this friend.

Like I've said on here a few times now, it isn't how I'd teach my child to be with her friends. Parties are supposed to be about fun, not competing with each other over birthday parties of all things. Especially with people we call friends.

Well, it wasn't very nice of your friend, but there we go. Next time do something wild and whacky that nobody else will have thought of!
There will be positive aspects to it, anyway. If the kids love the first party they will be thrilled to go back, and if not, you can always change the venue!

This is utterly bonkers. It was completely normal for the kids all through primary (and my eldest is only year 7, so this is recent) to have parties at the same venue for different kid's birthdays. No one batted an eyelid.

Its a party venue. Hence lots of people have parties there. You cannot 'bagsy' it.

December initial text about my DD wanting to do skyclimb but her dad concerned still too young/scared. Would her kids be up for it? What do they think? Need a minimum of 4 to do it so that would get me to 3/4.

She looked it up and showed her girls the videos and they looked it!

Mid- February afternoon tea - Friend is talking about parties and I ask what is your DD doing in April as she is a very advanced planner type of person and she says she really wants to do that sky climb place down in that venue. I was sort of surprised and didn’t say anything as my DD had been at a sleepover at her house the previous week and I thought this could have been agreed between them.

Late February I mention to my DD that I hear friends DD was thinking of X for her birthday and my DD is horrified (lol) and relays to me that mum and DD friend had been asking about her party idea at the sleepover previous week which is when I text my friend to say “can we circle back on the party thing as having the same party so close might be an issue for us and you know how it is at that age wanting to be cool and individual. Friend replied we haven’t decided on our party, it was just an idea? So no further discussions were able to be had I guess.

This week - invite arrives for the party in April and when I said to friend, I thought we were going to circle back on this? She basically was like - what is your issue here, do you expect me to tell my child I can’t have her party there as your DD is?

So when did you book?

I didn't book it with the venue as it was too far out not to clash with another weekend in June where we are waiting on a few things TBC.

Then in February when i heard about this I held off as I didn't think my DD would still want to do it in these circumstances.

Dear me. All this fuss about a party that has never existed. Ridiculous.

Whilst no one "owns" a party idea, I know my child would be upset if he'd been looking forward to this as their party, and someone swooped in there first!
Do something more amazing - go karting is a massive hit with 10 plus year old.
OR hire a hotel with a huge suite and do a fab hotel sleepover with room service home alone style!
(Yes I'm childish!)

Do you feel that having the deposit down for this materially changes what I am asking or how I/my DD are feeling?

Or should I add you to my ‘posters deliberately missing the point’ list?

Or should I add you to my ‘posters deliberately missing the point’ list

I would.

No matter what you say some ppl will not see it from your POV.

I’d try to take your daughter there first with family so she has the experience before this kids party (if she still goes, maybe she’ll be ill that day?) then like a PP suggested, maybe book GoKarting or something - the aerial experience sounds really cool, but some kids may actually get petrified once they’re up there - who knows, whereas karting or another fun, physical activity that’s still a bit different may go down better with more kids and be something they really enjoy. It only takes one or two children suddenly developing a fear of heights to throw cold water over this type of an event - something else may prove to be more popular for your DD’s party and will be remembered fondly.

Hope it goes really well whatever you decide!

This really isn't a case of the OP's child having their party at the same place that lots of their friends have held parties - she had planned something different, that most of the children might not have done, and her child would have loved being the person that introduced their friends to this experience, but the other mum has swooped in and taken that bit away from them.

I did see an earlier suggestion that you hire a party bus to get everyone there, @Homer28 - might that make up for things, for your dd?

I think it might be easier to just try something different but I think I’ll have to wait to see how party 1 goes now!

Yes. All you actually have a is a vague idea. You can't dibs a thought. Just book something different and move on with your life. Snooze you lose.

I don’t think I will win everyone round to my POV and if someone thinks that im a complete d**head because I don’t own the venue and there is no issue here I really don’t mind.

What is so irritating is people trying to jump all over you about things that don’t make sense.

That person is saying I shouldn’t be annoyed about a party that didn’t exist (that the booking point is material and key enough to the discussion that she tried to set me up to reveal it so she could get use out of her ‘barrister for dummies’ book she got for Christmas 3 years ago) however I would imagine if I said I DID have it booked and a deposit paid no one would think that makes me anymore reasonable or unrealisable? The same issues apply 😅😅😅

My friend would have no idea if I booked it or not back in December post our discussions. She knew my DD was having her party there doing skyclimb there was no maybes discussed.

If I had booked it and not ‘snoozed’ nothing else would be different here other than I might be out €80 on a deposit for a party that my DD doesn’t want.

To be fair, I agree with you there.

I don't think you're a dickhead, I also don't think the other mum is a dickhead.

I do think you are being unreasonable and that wouldn't change for me even if it was already booked.

You have firmly disagreed with me throughout but you are a reasonable and fair poster.

You have even shown empathy for my friend, which I understand.

Some other posters well…🥴

Why do you think she would have no idea? Wasn't it brought it up when you were looking for second opinions? So you obviously hadn't booked at that point. You floated an idea months ago, haven't booked anything, haven't even decided on a date. You haven't a leg to stand on. The other mum probably thought you were still thinking about it - she didn't waste so much time thinking.

So if I booked it in December - would you say I am being reasonable?

Yes. Because it's still an overreaction. But you didn't so it's a moot point. Lucky for you, you didn't commit, so competition can commence.

I asked if the answer to the booking/non-booking question was material to the question I’ve asked (AIBU) and yet with two different answers the result for you remains the same.

Yep, I have to firmly place you into posters who are a lost cause getting the point and/or posters who just want an argument regardless of the facts.