AIBU - Friend has 'stolen' party idea

[Homer28]

Hi,
As a family we often go to an adventure centre/party place around 75 mins drive from our home town so not local and never been invited to a party there before. Last year we did a party there at the centres waterpark for my daughters 10th birthday.

This same venue, which throws excellent parties and has lots of party options from bowling to waterpark etc and also has an aerial assault course but it has an age/height limit. My daughter has said for a couple of years that when everyone is 10/11+ she will do a party there as its cool/scary.

This year in December (party isn't until June) she asked if she could have her party there in June. Her dad was concerned that in theory its a brilliant day out but that people may be afraid of the heights/parents may be hesitant and it could not be as exciting as shes thinks.
I text another parent of two of her friends for a second opinion and she thought it was a cool idea (wasn't aware this existed) and her kids would love to go!.

Cue this month when she tells me she is booking this for her daughters party in April. I gently suggested that the two girls having the same party might be an issue as its important at 10 to have the 'cool' party and they like to put an individual stamp on it and the parties will only be 8 weeks apart. She disagrees and thinks a party venue is open to all kids who wish to have their parties there.

I was pre empting the upset from my 10 year old who laments that shell be chastised by the class for 'copying' the first birthday girl and it takes the shine off her idea which has been brewing for a while.

AIBU to be annoyed?

YABU - You don't own a party idea!
YANBU - Its not cool to hear an idea from a friend and pip them to the post on it.

Me too, I actually don’t think you are being unreasonable at all and I can see why your daughter would be upset 🤷🏼‍♀️

The 'cool' party 🥳 🙄

Indeed. The whole idea of cool v not cool comes from parents at age 10.

Kids aren't just doing things because they'd really enjoy them and it'd be fun.

She needs nicer friends if they are critical of one another. I’m not on about ‘be kind’ but if the reaction of her friends to someone having a party in a place that someone else has had a party is to chastise them, she’s hanging out with meanies.

I don’t know what the other mother was supposed to do. Her child is also having a special birthday, she’s asked to have it at a particular place. Was she supposed to say ‘no, that’s where Lucinda has her parties, it’s not for the likes of you’.

I’d be surprised if the kids will be bothered at all, if my kids are anything to go by - they want ‘fun’ on repeat! Unless it’s a disaster for your friend’s dd’s party and then you can arrange something different, it’s a win win!

My dentist has started sending ‘gentle reminders’ for my next appt. Grrrrrr!

Yeah this. This person is not your friend. Chalk it up to experience.

You sound like a 5 year old.

Lesson learned to keep cards closer to the chest!
That really isn't the lesson to get from this.

The lesson is that life is not a competition. A party is about kids of the same age getting together and having a fun time. It certainly isn't about showing off as to whom can offer the 'coolest' experience that will be talked about for a year and then forgotten.

Installing this in your daughter is only going to teach her that life is all down to impressing 'friends' rather than just enjoying real friendship.

Don't be that parent. It raises kids who value what is fake, puts them under pressure to always surpass others, and then feel let down when they realise it's not them their friends value but the experiences they offer them.

I gently suggested that the two girls having the same party might be an issue as its important at 10 to have the 'cool' party and they like to put an individual stamp on it and the parties will only be 8 weeks apart.

I'd gently suggest you were bonkers if you said that to me.

And to be honest, it's not a great thing to encourage this sort of one-upmanship in a child.

If it’s a place that regularly hosts birthday parties then YABU. A party package from a large amusement park in the area is absolutely not your creative property.

We don’t need to affirm all of our children’s wants as parents. Talk to your DD about why the venue isn’t something that can be “owned” or called dibs on in that way. Remind her that everyone will have fun no matter what (if your daughter has done the course point out that she is still extremely excited to do it at her party, so why would anyone else feel differently just because they’ve also done it before) and that the uniqueness of parties comes in in other places… perhaps you come up with really creative invitations and some sort of special keepsake photo frame for attendees, or matching socks or hair ties for everyone to wear on the outing, or special themed treats. It’s the creative things and how you combine all the elements that make a party specially yours... and that sort of specially yours isn’t the same as making it a competition.

I am so surprised by a lot of the responses saying you’re being unreasonable. I suspect these are the people just like your friend who doesn’t think twice about impacting other peoples plans! You’re not being unreasonable

@Homer28 honestly the other mother is a cheeky fucker. And going ahead even after you explained how it would be. Utter cow. I'd be livid too.
Of course you know you don't own the idea or the place but she didn't even know about it til you kindly mentioned it to her.
Her child must be a spoiled brat if she just doesn't bloody care and it's all about her daughter and fuck everyone else.
I hope you can find somewhere even more fun to go. Or go there again but put your own twist on it "the original plan"
Jeez.

The other mum is a sneaky bitch. Don’t share anything with her ever again!!

It might help your daughter to decide whether she wants this type of party anyway as she will be able to try out the zip lne activity etc - she might feel braver at her own party if she has sampled the other activities

Well Op you've taught her a fabulous life lesson. Never tell anyone else ANYTHING until you have locked down your place/ ticket/credit for doing. There's nothing you can do about this event now sadly

YABU in the way that you don't own a party idea however a friend wouldn't actually do this, I can understand maybe doing in the following year once attending the party but it seems odd to copy a party that you only knew about once another parent told you about it. I know I would be disappointed if a friend did this and I certainly wouldn't do it to a friend either.

I am really lost here. Two ds, 15 and 11. Mine would be thrilled to do the same cool party thing twice, not thinking anyone was raining on his parade. Is it a girl thing or is it mum who wants to be cool?

So no child can ever do anything different or special to them?

Personally I don’t see it as doing something to compete with their friends like you do - it is about a child specifically wanting to do something completely different and have a new experience with their friends. I can understand their upset if another child leaps in and takes that experience before them because their birthday was first.

In my case. I took my daughter and her mates to an experience in London for her 16th. It really is something you only do once or you might be repeating yourself. None of them had done it before and honestly the excitement of them having no idea what they were about to do was part of the fun. Had they all done it before it wouldn’t have been the same. The unknown was a big part of it.

If this place is such an excellent day out from where you live, could it be that this other family was also planning to have a party there for some time too? Maybe you didn't actually give them the idea.

IME, as the mother of a 13 yearbooks girl, 10 year olds don't want to be unique, they want to be similar.

I can completely see why both you and your daughter are miffed and I think that's a very reasonable feeling to have.

And knowing that a friend's child had a very different party venue in mind, I don't think I would have felt comfortable suggesting it to my child in advance of the original one.

Some venues are popular and do get used as party places multiple times within the same cohort. But they are designated party venues and duplication is the order of the day. And for younger children they like going to places they know, anyway.

In this instance it was something totally different and left field and the other parent wouldn't have thought about it herself.

I think the other parent was a bit cheeky to nab the idea.

But there is bugger all you can do about it.

I think maybe you and the other mum have very different mindsets. A fairly similar thing happened with my daughter this year. We are going to see a musical with several friends for her birthday and shared the invites months in advance so I could book the tickets. A friend of hers is now also going to see a musical a few months earlier as her birthday falls before my daughter’s. I guess our friend did copy but the way I see it another child also really loved that idea for a party and now the group of friends get to go and have a super fun experience together twice over the summer. My daughter is excited about it, her friends are excited about it. They are making plans to have matching outfits for the shows, practicing dances to various tunes and generally getting so much joy out of knowing it’s coming. No doubt they’ll all come home buzzing over what an awesome day they’ve had on both occasions and it’s very possible they want to do similar again. My assumption would be my daughter would be happy to do something she’d enjoy twice so it wouldn’t occur to me to think the other parent had done something wrong. Similarly if someone invited us to, or told us about, a super fun thing they were planning to do in autumn for a kids birthday then my daughter loved the idea and asked to do it then my immediate thought would be how nice it would be the kids all got to do whatever cool activities twice. I wouldn’t think to check it was ok with the autumn birthday person and would be really taken aback if someone suggested it wasn’t ok for us to do it too. I guess as well once I’d agreed we would do it as a party I’d be very reluctant to change our plans because someone else wanted to do it first. I’m really a bit surprised by various comments that your friend isn’t your friend (or worse is a bitch/psycho) because their kid happened to love the idea of a party venue you suggested and wanted to celebrate their birthday there.
All that said if uniqueness is the most important factor for your daughter I’m sure you’ll be able to find another equally fab venue or party idea. I hope whatever you do she has a lovely day and I hope you consider the possibility your friend has just got a different way of thinking about things rather than that she deliberately set out to spoil anything. I’m possibly over optimistic but I generally feel like you have a happier existence thinking the best of others and never assuming malice where incompetence, thoughtlessness or just different attitudes could be the cause of someone’s actions.

OP, I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! I'd be really annoyed too. I realise that no one 'owns' a party idea, but this one sounds particularly unique, and meaningful to your DD. It's pretty inconsiderate of the other mum to schedule a party there with the same crowd before your DD's party, and so close together.

I'm also quite surprised at some of the responses. I wonder that if the reverse had been posted, more people would be saying the other mum was unreasonable? Eg:

"The other week I got a text from the mother of my DD's best friend. She's thinking of hosting a party for her DD (turning 10) in June at a venue over an hour away that does aerial assault courses, and wanted my opinion on it. Apparently her DD has wanted to do this for ages. I'd never heard of the place before, but I told her that my kids would love that sort of thing!

I then got thinking - my own DD's birthday is in April, and this is the sort of thing she'd love. I looked at the website and realised it sounded awesome! So I've decided to go ahead and book this aerial assault place for DD's birthday party in April. She is inviting the same group of kids who'd be invited to her best friend's party.

Now the other mum is mad at me because she thinks I've 'stolen' her DD's party idea. AIBU?"

But it isn't particularly unique. They will have a birthday party package because many children have their parties there.

If the reverse was posted, I'd be saying the same. No one can steal a birthday party idea and adults shouldn't be encouraging their children to compete with ''coolest'' parties with children who are supposed to be their friends.

exactly, it's not unique, it's a party package, plenty of people will have done the same thing.