Would you have hung up on me

[spanieleyes22]

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

OP - I feel for you. It's horrible feeling that someone doesn't want to be your friend. But you can't make them. And you'll make yourself look unhinged if you keep pestering them.

I've had someone ghost me and it wasn't nice. But I knew that chasing her wouldn't change things so I left well alone. I'm still sad that the friendship ended, but have drawn a line under it. I suggest you do the same.

Are you the poster who sent her birthday present late?

It's incredibly cruel what she is doing when you don't know what you have done.

However she has made the decision to stop contact and I think you should respect that.

Friendships grow apart for many reasons. Your not alone and try not to take it personally.

Focus on other things.

To be honest she doesn't sound like a good friend or a nice person.

It is very sad when a friendship turns sour, especially when you don't understand why.

Don't feel bad about the contact, you tried, as many people would when faced with an abrupt cut off.

I sadly have ghosted a friend, I feel guilty about it, it genuinely was about me, not her, she hasn't changed, I have.

I'm not a reliable supporter, I've a lot going on in my own life, she expects a lot of attention, rarely talked about anything but herself, she was just hard going, for me, as my tolerance is low with my own problems.

If I replied to a text, I'd have to answer 20 text messages, she'd spend an hour minium easy on the phone. Etc. It got to the point that I'd dread answering her.

Have you read the backstory?

There's absolutely nothing cruel about what this friend has done - the OP has something of an unhealthy obsession, and the friend reached the point where she needed to put boundaries in place.

I'm sorry that you have been ill and unhappy - and feel lonely OP.
It is a difficult time to be facing rejection - and the clear-sighted advice you have been given on here.

We don't know if you are at fault - or your friend is because we have so little to go on.

You though - might be able to work things out.

How was your friend doing (when you were last in touch)?
What was most important in her life at that time?
What difficulties was she facing?
What did she most enjoy talking about with you?
How much help were you when she was feeling unwell or lonely?

Can you answer these questions with confidence and think back to the conversations where you learnt these things about her?
Or can you only guess and not really remember what she said about her life?

Was she a good listening friend to you... but didn't get much back from you? Good friendships are two-way things.

No point beating yourself up about messing things up (and I do think that friendship is not retrievable) but there is a point to sitting down and thinking about things ahead.

Can you be the sort of friend you would like to have?

The OP absolutely does know what she’s done, and talks about it at length in her many other threads. She got pissed off that her friend wasn’t texting as much she wanted to, then when her friend explained that she was busy and needed some space, the OP continued to message her asking if she’d done something wrong. Her friend said no and repeated that she was looking for space and trying to spend less time on her phone.

The OP’s response was to send her friend a nasty text calling her mean and cruel for not texting when she wanted her to.

That is why her friend blocked her. Her friend said, clearly, that she couldn’t be friends with someone who couldn’t respect her wish for a bit of space.

@ItGhoul Sadly not seeing the issue, not respecting a friends boundaries is usually the reason for the push.

No. This is a different person.

Are you a man? You sound creepy as hell

Have you ever been diagnosed with BPD/ EUPD?
you have to accept your friends decision, and move on

All those saying 'move on', it's hard to do that when you don't know what you've done wrong. That's personally all I'd want to make contact for; to find out and get closure. For her to just drop you like that with no explanation says a lot about her as a person. She's shown you who she really is. Believe her.

For context previous thread with background

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/5230887-still-cut-up-about-best-friend-blocking-me

I say this in the kindest way possible but I think you may need some support with your mental health. Looking at your past posts you post prolifically, and there's a lot of drama. Are you lonely? Is that why you post so much and harass your old friend. It may be worth seeing if your GP offers social prescribing. It may help your mental health if you try it.

As for your friend. Leave her alone now. You've been very vague about what actually happened. This is clearly a case of The missing, missing reasons, where you're saying you have no idea why you were ghosted but your story indicates otherwise. In your threads you say you have no idea why your friend ghosted you, but you talk about an argument where you had a go at her shortly before she ghosted you. You don't actually say specifically what you said or what she responded with though. I think you're in such denial about any warnings she gave about your behaviour or any reasons she gave for ghosting, that you can't actually admit there was a reason this has happened.

If you don't unpack the breakdown of your relationship, accept her reasons and truly hold yourself accountable, any friendships and relationships you have will likely end this way.

As Hard as it is you need to move on before it does start to look abit stalkerish. Join some groups in your area or on Facebook there is a lot out there and a lot of people who are lonely and want friendship

She doesn’t want you to contact her ever. You can’t fix this. You need to respect her wishes otherwise you will be getting a knock on the door from the police. Close the book now knowing you tried your best.

Hi OP. I think some people are being harsh. If you’ve never been ghosted before, you have no idea how much it hurts.

i have a friend I was so close with at university. We drifted apart a bit afterwards but would always keep in touch. Until one day I realised she wasn’t getting back in touch… and she’d blocked me. I heard through another friend she was cutting people out of her life that weren’t a part of who she was now, or something.

anyway, I tried to reach out a few times over the last two years. Nothing. It hurts. But you’ve got to park it and move on. I don’t blame you for reaching out at all.

dont be harsh on yourself and take care xxxx

@spanieleyes22 it sounds like she believes you have become fixated on her, and no one wants that in their lives. Whether you are male or female, you have crossed a line with her and you can't change that. Leave her be and try and make new friends but also if this is a pattern in your friendships, try and unpick this so you know your boundaries next time

I feel sorry for you as you are making things ten times worse. Its harassment and the friendship has gone because you don't listen. You need to concentrate on your mental health. Start volunteering and doing things for others less fortunate it will give you the chance to see the difference you can make in a good way

Apologies if this has been mentioned already, I’ve not read the whole thread.

“Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number”

This really stood out to me. Is this the reason why she pushed you away?

You didn’t want to moan to family when you were sick, but were happy to moan to her. When you were sick again recently your first response was to turn to her for support.

Did you overly rely on her for support/moaning? Did she get exhausted with it? Did you also share a lot of fun time together or was it often her having to support you and listen to you moan.

I’ve been the friend on the other side of this and it is utterly exhausting and emotionally draining - constantly listening to someone talk about their problems, never supporting you through your own. I am always happy to be there for a friend and support them, but when someone is always half glass empty and only turns to you for support in bad times….. it is exhausting. Like a fun vampire. Never fun times or chat, never asking about me, just only turning to me when something negative is happening and they needed a rant. I felt like an emotional punchbag.

Im not saying that is what happened with you and your friend. Obviously I don’t know either of you. But that sentence in bold above really jumped out to me. I thought mentioning it could help you - have a good reflect on whether this is what might have happened with your ex-friend. And if so how you can make sure it doesn’t happen again with other friends.

Read the thread. OP has opened multiple threads about the break up of this friendship. OP knows exactly why the friend ended it. OP was, and by the sounds of it, still is harassing this person. Other threads detailed how OP demanded to know why the friend wasn’t texting as much as OP wanted and when the friend told her, OP wouldn’t accept it and sent a nasty text message. Who knows what else was going on, but the friend had clearly had enough by that point and blocked OP.

That was back in October I think and OP is clearly still obsessing - to the point of now starting another thread, this time seeking validation of yet more harassment of the friend via anonymous calls. I suspect if this continues the police will be involved at some point.

OP says they have no other friends, just acquaintances. So clearly no insight into the fact that this is likely a mental health problem needing treatment. Don’t get me wrong - I feel sympathy for OP, but l feel very sorry for the friend who has clearly tried to treat OP fairly before realising that going NC was their only option. That’s on OP, not the friend. OP is the one who has shown who they really are and the friend has believed her.

It can get very very wearing being the supportive friend. Maybe she had to move on for her own wellbeing.
I've got a friend who I need to keep at a bit of a distance or she'd suck the life out of me. I've also got a cousin who I now avoid as she can moan for hours but never actually takes advice on how to improve her happiness.
I feel for them but I have myself and my own family to look after too.
Forget about her before she reports you for harassment and focus on improving your own mental health.

I remember the original thread. Long story short spaniel eyes is the harasser and her “friend” wants nothing to do with her, for good reason!

This. But OP, this ex friendship is just a fixation your mind has for some reason bolted on to. Forget about it. Your ex friend isn't perfect, nor are you, nor is anyone. It's irrelevant now as to what she thinks or why she couldn't be a friend to you, and it doesn't reflect negatively on you, it just is what it is. It's in the past and should stay there

Move on, let it go, but try to get to the bottom of what is making you ruminate so excessively over a past event. That's what's really causing you pain. Could it be anxiety?