Would you have hung up on me

[spanieleyes22]

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

Thanks @Buggathisforagameofsoldiers I sometimes go round and round trying to remember what I said or had I hurt her feelings somehow but I can't see anything like that but thanks I will try harder

Yeh I've never felt I had to block someone I suppose I'm lucky I've never had anyone threaten me or felt the need to block someone. It felt so brutal. I just wanted the chance to talk it over.

Just like any other relationship, she can end it for any reason or no reason. You're not entitled to an answer or even her kindness. I'm sorry that hurts, but she has made her position clear; she wants you to leave her alone.

You sound quite intense and needy of her and I think that’s likely the reason she pulled so far away from you. For you to have no contact in all these months and essentially try to trick her (calling her from a withheld number) into communication you know she doesn’t want (as you are blocked) is definitely harassment.

You also did this because you need comfort. No consideration for how this may upset her or that she may have her own things going on in her life. Leave this person alone and move on.

If you're feeling down you should seek some kind of professional help or find a willingly supportive community, online or in-person. This ex-friend was the worst person to choose.

She doesn’t want to talk it over because there’s nothing you can do to change her mind.

Many people wouldn’t be able to come out and say why they want the friendship to end. They don’t want to hurt the other person with the truth or face the prospect of the other person offering to change their behaviour to be less annoying. Say she finds you too intense.(I don’t know you or her so this is a random example) You cry because it’s hard to hear and offer to keep things light. She has to say no again because she’s made her mind up and would rather end the friendship without having to hurt your feelings with the truth. Maybe you’d find the truth better than suddenly being phased out but she would have never given you the chance to “make amends” so you’d be left in a different kind of limbo. People who give a reason also tend to soften the truth so you’d end up wondering what the actual truth was which is a spiral you don’t want to be in.

As the person who was “dumped”, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you said or did something wrong and it will take you time and effort to get out of that loop. The friendship changed for her and you’re no longer compatible - there’s nothing that you could have said or done differently to save it. She decided that it was over as is her right. It’s sad but move onto people who care about you.

Oh God OP read that but imagine it was written by a man who'd been dumped and blocked by a woman he was seeing. 'If she picked up she might regret blocking me' is really controlling. Why did you decide you know better than her what she really wants?

You don't know why she did it but you need to respect that she did it. She's allowed to block you, no matter if you understand it or not and no matter how unreasonable she might be by doing it.

Kindly, consider some counselling to help you make sense of how you feel and help you move forward because you can't force this woman to want to talk to you or to explain herself to you.

It’s really tough OP and I am sorry you are hurting.

But… you called because maybe once again you wanted her to support you. If you act needy, or come across as needy (even if you didn’t mean to) it becomes exhausting. If you push your need for contact it becomes worse.

I hope you are feeling less ill.

Never more vulnerable than when relying on someone who isn’t there for you for support. So keep yourself strong.

Try to change the narrative in your head to "That was the last opportunity I gave friend to talk to me and she hung up on me. I don't have space in my head or time in my life to waste on wondering why she would do this. So I'm done here. I don't need people in my life who block me and ignore me and so am making the choice to forgot her." Because you really need to take back control rather than have your peace of mind relying on her willingness to engage with you. You can't control that, so control what you do in response. Be strong. Put her out of your head and start thinking of the other people in your life.

Harassment by its very nature is prolonged, insistent attempts to contact and bother someone m. She called her once. It may have been unwise but it wasn't harassment.

You were in the wrong. Blocking your number is her making sure she never had to hear from you again. It's deliberately preventing contact.

Instead of accepting that and respecting her boundaries, you basically tricked her into accepting a call from you. Of course she hung up - she blocked you precisely because she doesn't wish to be in contact.

We can't know the ins and outs of the friendship breakdown. I know it hurts very much, and I sympathise. But the way to handle it is definitely not to try and force contact on someone.

Especially when you asre doing it because you feel needy and unwell and want her around to meet your emotional needs.

She hung up on you because you’d missed her gentler hints that she didn’t want to talk to you (although I’d argue that blocking is crystal clear) Calling her was disregarding her feelings and she wasn’t cruel to hang up rather than listen to what you had to say. She’s blocked you so doesn’t care and while that may hurt, you have to accept it before she considers it harassment and calls the police or something.

I suspect that's precisely why she blocked you - you think there is a conversation to be had or perhaps an explanation or to persuade her to like you again.

She, on the other hand, is done.

If this was a boyfriend contacting a girl who has ending things, wouldn't you see that as inappropriate?

I suspect she wanted to break up because calling her, from a witheld number, when you knew she didn't want to talk to you and were calling to get something from her (you were sad and wanted...reassurance? Kind words?) Comes across as needy and selfish and oversteps so many boundaries. You need to change your behaviour.

Behaviour like this would absolutely cause me to end the friendship.

If she blocked you for whatever reason, why on earth would you think it's ok to call her covertly withholding your number? I don't think you can blame her for hanging up. It's bordering on stalker behaviour and I really think you need to leave her alone now.

There's a thread run in similar to the other side of this - someone who has an acquaintance who can't take the hint that the OP doesn't want to be her friend.

I suspect that this OP has been missing increasingly unsubtle clues to back off for a while.

So to answer your question OP - I probably wouldn't have talked to you. We don't know why she blocked you, and it may be entirely not your fault. But SHE DOES NOT WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU. Tricking her into doing so isn't going to work, and is really unpleasant.

She called her once that she knows about. OP tried calling a few times before, after being blocked and has also sent an unwanted Christmas card to her ex friends address.

Except it's not once I rang once back in October and once over Xmas and then once yesterday plus a Christmas card.

I hope you can reach out to other friends, OP.

Nobody thinks like this. She was probably reminded of the reasons why she blocked you when you manipulated her into picking up your call.

If she wanted to contact you then she would have She clearly doesn’t regret her decision and if she felt any sadness about the end of the friendship then you helped her feel less guilty.

At least you know, without a shadow of a doubt, that she isn’t open to explaining why. Best to now put a lid on it and move on but I can imagine it must be very painful and confusing. I would remove her contact number from your records too.

Sometimes 2 people just aren't right for each other at a particular point in time. It's probably not your fault or her fault, you do need to respect the fact that she doesn't want to continue the friendship though. It isn't fair to put her in the position where she would have to tell you repeatedly that she doesn't want to be your friend anymore. It's been made clear, it's time to leave it. It's understandable that you are hurting but you need to find a way to cope with that away from her.

It would make me more certain that I'd made the right decision and I'd be really angry at you.

OP, I remember your threads. I don't remember the detail but isn't what happened that you did something that upset her (for good reason) but when she asked you to please let her deal with it and not keep getting in her face, you wouldn't stop calling and texting her. So eventually she blocked you?

I'm sorry you're still hurting, really. But you need to accept that this friendship has run its course and you hurt her and then did nto respect what she needed. And now it's over.

This I remember your multiple threads on this @spanieleyes22 and the obsession with this friend.
Leave her alone.

You sound deranged, leave this woman alone and get some therapy for yourself.