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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you have hung up on me

261 replies

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 12:38

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

OP posts:
Oldglasses · 12/03/2025 16:50

I've never ghosted/blocked anyone, but yes I would feel tricked if I had done so and they called me and withheld their number - dependig on what had happened I may or may not have heard them out.
You could try writing a letter- I did this to my old school best friend when she stopped talking to me as in those days it was phone or letter (and her mum kept on saying she was busy), but we were teenagers! I got a not very nice letter back but at least I knew what had happened etc. About 8 years later she got back in contact and we resumed a friendship for a couple of years, although in the end I let it slide because we just didn't have much in common anymore.
I was propely ghosted by a long-term close friend in my early 30s and I never found out why. At the time I did try to phone/text and was genuinely worried that something had happened to her (we didn't have mutuals although we both knew each others' friends we wouldn't have contacted them directly). It's the only friendship where I genuinely don't know what I did wrong. It was very frustrating at the time but I just had to let it go. Thankfully I did, and still do, have some great friends, but if she had been my only one it would've been even more gutting.

Catza · 12/03/2025 16:50

A friend once pulled away without a reason. One day we were planning her birthday bash, next day when I texted to confirm the plans she just left me on read for months. It's not great, I still don't know what happend but what I don't do is agonise over it. If anything I was mildly pissed off and disengaged. If someone isn't adult enough to articulate what happend, then I don't need them as a friend or even an acquaintance.
I certainly would never call her when I'm sick of lonely.

Ritzybitzy · 12/03/2025 16:52

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 12:44

Was that harassment. Yeh I don't want to thrash it all out again but basically I didn't do anything horrible or mean. Looking back she was trying to pull away but wouldn't admit it she just said she was busy and then I called her on it and she blocked me. That's the summary: I realize I should have said nothing and just let her be and we would prob still be friends albeit not as close. I do blame myself partly.

You withheld her number because you know she doesn’t want to talk to you. The line crossing is glaring and you know it. What on earth did you think would happen??

Arcticrival · 12/03/2025 16:55

Hi, I don't know your age but guess you're pretty young. I've been there, I'm 50 now and me and all my friends have had at least one experience like this-ok maybe not as brutal - but maybe she is being brutal as you are not getting the message.

What I've learned over the years is that friendships change over time and they end. Often the 'ender' doesn't tell the 'endee' WHY they want to end the friendship, like you might do in a BF/GF scenario. It just fizzles out and there are no answers.

You are not going to get answers here, she has made her position clear. You really need to accept this and move on. Your behaviour is verging on harassment - maybe she felt you were too needy and clingy in the first place Idk. Please chalk it up to experience and don't contact her again

OhCalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 12/03/2025 16:55

I think withholding the number probably angered her. It is a bit divisive. The thing is you already knew she wouldn’t answer if she saw it was you calling, so purposely withholding your number could easily be construed as tricking her into talking to you. After all she only answered the call because she didn’t know it was you, so you sort of removed her choice of whether she wanted to talk to you by doing that. It’s painful being ghosted and not knowing why. Some of us have been the ghoster and some the ghostee ourselves and not having closure can make it hard to let go but when the signals are all loud and clear we have to try to let go. I would say that if things had already broken down the way they had, then to call out of the blue because you felt unwell would be enough of a stretch, but to actually withhold the number and effectively force her to talk to you is taking it a little too far.

MockOranges · 12/03/2025 16:57

Arcticrival · 12/03/2025 16:55

Hi, I don't know your age but guess you're pretty young. I've been there, I'm 50 now and me and all my friends have had at least one experience like this-ok maybe not as brutal - but maybe she is being brutal as you are not getting the message.

What I've learned over the years is that friendships change over time and they end. Often the 'ender' doesn't tell the 'endee' WHY they want to end the friendship, like you might do in a BF/GF scenario. It just fizzles out and there are no answers.

You are not going to get answers here, she has made her position clear. You really need to accept this and move on. Your behaviour is verging on harassment - maybe she felt you were too needy and clingy in the first place Idk. Please chalk it up to experience and don't contact her again

I think the OP is old enough to have children at university, so not that young...

Arcticrival · 12/03/2025 16:59

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 12:57

Yeh I was being stupid thinking she cared. It makes me question the whole friendship. I confided in her. She did in me. I thought she cared. I just don't know what changed and am beating myself up for what I don't know but obvs she doesn't want me in her life

I'm sure she did care at the time. Don't beat yourself up. People change. Just because she has changed doesn't mean she didn't care about you in the past. Friendships don't always last forever. Remember your time with her fondly and move on

Ilikeadrink14 · 12/03/2025 17:05

BleachedJumper · 12/03/2025 12:40

You aren’t entitled to answers from other people in this scenario.

You are in pain and lonely, but it doesn’t give you the right to harass someone else.

Find your own peace and move on with your life.

???

steff13 · 12/03/2025 17:05

Ilikeadrink14 · 12/03/2025 17:05

???

What exactly is your question?

friendlycat · 12/03/2025 17:06

I remember your previous numerous threads about this woman. I’m sorry but you were too demanding and she told you this.

Many people across numerous threads have gently tried to tell you to leave this woman alone. She’s married with children. She’s obviously decided you are too intense and she can’t cope with it anymore.

Please try and work on yourself and try building new friendships locally. This woman doesn’t even live in the same country as you now. You seem obsessed with her and it’s not healthy.

Ilikeadrink14 · 12/03/2025 17:19

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 14:06

It makes me sad that she must have hated me so much she had to block me. After so many years. But I have to accept there is something in my personality that she didn't like

Yes, and I’m beginning to see what that might be!
You really need to let this go, but most of all, it’s clear you need help yourself. You need to see your GP, explain this to him/her and perhaps you will be referred for psychiatric help. Coming on here is no help to you at all. We can’t help you!

Ilikeadrink14 · 12/03/2025 17:20

steff13 · 12/03/2025 17:05

What exactly is your question?

Sorry, wrong thread!

Ritzybitzy · 12/03/2025 17:26

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 12:57

Yeh I was being stupid thinking she cared. It makes me question the whole friendship. I confided in her. She did in me. I thought she cared. I just don't know what changed and am beating myself up for what I don't know but obvs she doesn't want me in her life

I think you really need to reflect on your inability to recognise a boundary being crossed. It is impossible to care about a person when they’re obsessive.

MockOranges · 12/03/2025 17:27

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 13:56

Not a martyr at all just time to accept what a needy "friend" I am that deserved to be blocked and should have kept my big gob shut at all times: I'm my own worst enemy. Most people seem to agree this is the way I should have behaved . Say nothing. Accept everything. Question nothing. Respect boundaries . Am
Trying to learn to do this.

No, you keep misinterpreting what people are saying in a deeply passive-aggressive way, on all these threads. You seem to post in a similar pattern -- you start off with an innocent-sounding question, and then, when people tell you that phoning someone who doesn't want any more to do with you from a withheld number is harassment, or, as in one of your other threads, that texting someone to tell them it's mean of them to 'ghost' you when they haven't been in touch in a few weeks is not going to make anyone want to be around you, you start doing this performative self-abasement about how you should have never spoken a single word to anyone from your 'big gob', you should have lain down and let her walk all over you in silence etc etc.

You seem unable to understand how friendships work. Like others on here who struggle with friendships, you see it as some kind of chain of mutual obligation ( you need her, therefore she should do x, or owes you an explanation), rather than a pair of people who fundamentally enjoy one another's company.

To have other people want to be in your company, you have to be bringing something to the table other than need and loneliness.

I'm sure you have positive qualities, but your lack of ease and happiness with yourself, and the huge, all-encompassing need for things from others, are probably covering them over and making them difficult to perceive.

I think you need to take responsibility for at least some of the reasons this friendship ended, never contact her again, and try to understand and come to terms with yourself and your attitude to relationships, in therapy. I'd go so far as to say I'd skip meals in your case to try to afford regular sessions. You can't pour from an empty cup. Someone at ease with themselves is a far more attractive prospect as a friend.

ThreeMagicNumber · 12/03/2025 17:40

I'm sorry op, it must feel so hurtful for a friend to just ghost you like that. I think it's a really shitty thing to do and after being friends with someone it's cowardly to not give them closure and be upfront and honest about why you no longer want to be friends. I hope you are okay and feeling better soon.

CaptainFuture · 12/03/2025 17:44

ThreeMagicNumber · 12/03/2025 17:40

I'm sorry op, it must feel so hurtful for a friend to just ghost you like that. I think it's a really shitty thing to do and after being friends with someone it's cowardly to not give them closure and be upfront and honest about why you no longer want to be friends. I hope you are okay and feeling better soon.

Have you read the thread?!

friendlycat · 12/03/2025 17:44

MockOranges

These are very good points from MockOranges. Please really consider what is said above.

Arcticrival · 12/03/2025 17:45

MockOranges · 12/03/2025 16:57

I think the OP is old enough to have children at university, so not that young...

Ah ok thanks. I hadn't read the whole thread when I posted.

OP-the fact you are older is concerning- as a pp said-your emotional maturity seems to have stalled at some point. You will never move on unless you get therapy and learn to like yourself. Why on earth would anyone like you when you seem to hate yourself, have no self respect and are utterly passive aggressive

GabbySolisX · 12/03/2025 17:51

The same thing happened to me around a year ago. I think you were wrong for ringing her on withheld as it’s a bit much. But yanbu for feeling down and confused about it. It’s not kind being ghosted by a close friend. I often wonder if I did anything to upset my friend who ghosted me, but I don’t think they were a good friend to begin with, if they can brutally cut you off without saying something is bothering them giving you a chance to make a mends.

Floatlikeafeather2 · 12/03/2025 17:54

ThreeMagicNumber · 12/03/2025 17:40

I'm sorry op, it must feel so hurtful for a friend to just ghost you like that. I think it's a really shitty thing to do and after being friends with someone it's cowardly to not give them closure and be upfront and honest about why you no longer want to be friends. I hope you are okay and feeling better soon.

The friend did give an explanation. She asked for space; OP wouldn't give it to her. Friend reacted in the only way she could and cut ties by blocking her. And still OP is harassing her. I think this is one thread where you need to have read the many other threads by OP on this situation to understand why most people are not very sympathetic to her. Other comments of hers, where her advice to others is to “block them - you don't need this/him/her in your life" are also revealing of her rather inconsistent, blurred and odd way of thinking.

friendlycat · 12/03/2025 17:56

GabbySolisX · 12/03/2025 17:51

The same thing happened to me around a year ago. I think you were wrong for ringing her on withheld as it’s a bit much. But yanbu for feeling down and confused about it. It’s not kind being ghosted by a close friend. I often wonder if I did anything to upset my friend who ghosted me, but I don’t think they were a good friend to begin with, if they can brutally cut you off without saying something is bothering them giving you a chance to make a mends.

But on previous threads (of which there are many) and I remember them, the OP was told that she was being too demanding and the friend needed space.
OP did not give the friend space and was constantly messaging her.
This is what ultimately led to the blocking. Even when she was blocked initially the OP still tried to circumvent it all.

Now she has withheld her number and contacted the woman again even though she is blocked. Sorry but she is obsessive about this woman. On one of the threads I remember OP even saying things like she couldn't sleep at all and wanted to kill herself.

This woman that OP is obsessed with lives in another country and sadly has backed off out of the original friendship. But she is entitled to do so.

GabbySolisX · 12/03/2025 17:58

@friendlycat Ah ok, I hadn’t seen the other thread. Sorry OP but that does make sense then. I did wonder if there was a backstory, as I can’t imagine calling someone who had cut me off on withheld.

SerafinasGoose · 12/03/2025 18:04

Floatlikeafeather2 · 12/03/2025 17:54

The friend did give an explanation. She asked for space; OP wouldn't give it to her. Friend reacted in the only way she could and cut ties by blocking her. And still OP is harassing her. I think this is one thread where you need to have read the many other threads by OP on this situation to understand why most people are not very sympathetic to her. Other comments of hers, where her advice to others is to “block them - you don't need this/him/her in your life" are also revealing of her rather inconsistent, blurred and odd way of thinking.

I looked briefly at the prior thread. It sounded vaguely familiar.

OP from my reading of that thread and this, you sound lonely, unhappy and very vulnerable. You quite clearly have complex emotional needs. It's impossible for one friend alone to meet those needs: I suspect 50 friends couldn't.

The same goes for posting numerous threads on Mumsnet with variations on the same theme. You've evidently dwelled on those issues for a long period of time, and some months later you're back again and in exactly the same place. It's beyond people's scope here give you the help you need. On the contrary, any form of validation of the painful treadmill to nowhere that you've climbed onto, and can't seem to get off, is doing you a grave disservice.

You're struggling, and you need to trust the professionals to help you with this. Please, for the sake of your own happiness, seek a referral to mental health support. It's the greatest gift you can give to your future self.

Delphiniumandlupins · 12/03/2025 18:09

You may have been a really good and supportive friend to her in the past but, for some reason, things have changed. You are obviously hurt by the friendship ending but you can't force someone to be your friend nor do you have a right to an explanation as to why it ended. You are showing a tendency to over-catastrophise in this thread - being told that calling several times from a withheld number is stalkerish behaviour does not mean that you can never be friends with anyone ever again. You are not the worst person in the world, you've just made a couple of mistakes.

NestaArcheron · 12/03/2025 18:25

You absolutely do need to leave this person alone. If I was her, I would feel really uncomfortable.
Please seek some support for yourself, there is no shame in asking for help Flowers