Would you have hung up on me

[spanieleyes22]

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

For her to just drop you like that with no explanation says a lot about her as a person. She's shown you who she really is. Believe her.
She has, she's shown she's a person who can uphold her own boundaries and won't be guilted/bullied/stalked into a friendship she doesn't want!

I’m the one who’s “dumped” someone as a friend and made it clear I was done.
long history of “being there” for friend but never the other way around, history repeating itself of alcohol dependency denial and just very one-sided friendship.
Am sure she still absolutely doesn’t get it but I am done.
She subsequently got hammered (again) and accused a joint male friend (in convo w him) that we were sleeping together. He called me right away and told me (we live in a smallish community so wanted to limit any damage rumourwise). Very out of character of exfriend to go ‘vicious’ and damaging like that (not out of character to say stuff when drunk and later pretend she forgot though)!

Am happily married - 27 years & counting - no affair (of course!).

Anyways, I am sorry it’s happening to you but please respect your exfriend’s decision to not have contact e you anymore.

You wouldn’t call an ex boyfriend or ex partner like this. Don’t do it to an exfriend. She’s (clearly) done.

She wasn't ghosted. Her friend was busy, and Op messaged her saying she didn't message enough. Friend then asked for space due to the intensity and OP ignored her requests. Read the previous threads and all of this one. Withholding her number and calling three times since she was blocked on all accounts is not okay! Op needs help, not encouragement.

OP I would feel hurt too but you need to leave it now, it sounds like you were quite intense from her perspective and she has moved on. I don’t think you sound like a ‘stalker’ or anything remotely like that but you do need to accept the friendship is done and move on too.

I have a ‘friend’ in my life who I have known for over 30 years and she would say we’re best friends but she has let me (and now my DC) down so many times I’m nearing the end of what I can put up with from a ‘friendship’. I think sometimes we can be a bit blind to what we do to friends.

Read the previous thread she knows exactly why she was blocked, she is just refusing to accept it, same way she refused to give the friend space.

Hmmm whilst I agree that you shouldn't have rung her and you need to work on being a bit 'needy' we have no idea why she is behaving as she is and I don't agree that it is necessarily about your behaviour. Who knows. I don't think you should take this 100% on your shoulders- personally I think it is cowardly to just block someone and not explain why or attempt to communicate in any way, as it leaves people feeling lost like you do. It makes life easier for the person blocking but is unkind to the recipient. So I wouldn't assume you are just a needy terrible friend and it is all your fault. I would though work on your inability to just let her go, and also think through the signs in the relationship that all wasn't well which probably were there, which could be her responses to your behaviour or could be that she was actually just not a very nice person and you missed that. Building better emotional intelligence can only be a good thing, even if you aren't at fault.

Can I ask how old she is? Because her behaviour is pretty pathetic she could at least have the balls to say I don't want to be friends because 'you did this, you did that, I don't get anything from the friendship anymore" and so on. However, as much as it hurts and you are completely in the dark about why this has happened, would u really want to be friends with her again if this is how she treats people? Rather than actually have the decency to say to you why u aren't friends anymore? At least u would have had some closure on the friendship.

Please forget about her, you also don't want to look desperate which unfortunately you'll start to look like.

I've just read your previous thread and seen she did say what you had done which was not respecting her need for space. So stand by the need for you to build your emotional intelligence but can see actually she was clear about what she needed and you ignored her needs.

You’re right - my bad. It still hurts, I can imagine, but not the same as being ghosted if she’s already explained.

best thing to do now is walk away.

@Tiredofallthis101

Hmmm whilst I agree that you shouldn't have rung her and you need to work on being a bit 'needy' we have no idea why she is behaving as she is and I don't agree that it is necessarily about your behaviour.

It’s obviously about the OP’s behavior. There are at least two previous threads on this. The OP was hassling this person when she had said she was busy and then wouldn’t let it drop and was worrying away at it like a dog with a bone and her behavior has been unhinged.

Months have passed and the OP is still unable to face the reality of what has happened which is that her intensity and neediness has pushed this friend away.

Posts like this are not helping the OP at all. She clearly has some mental health issues and needs to radically reshape the way she approaches friendships, probably with professional help, not to fuel the paranoia and low esteem by continuing to obsess about someone who has dropped her and moved on.

OP you sound sad and lonely and with low self esteem. I don't know your other threads but reading you call yourself stupid and needy and saying it's your fault for everything is quite sad. I do think you need some therapy but not to work out what went wrong with this friendship, but to help you feel better about yourself and a bit more confident. My daughter is autistic and is often quite full on in friendships and has lost friends who decided she was too needy. She took it to heart and was very hurt by it, as well as blaming herself. She is doing better now she has found her 'tribe' of mostly neuro diverse young people. I think maybe look for some counselling that can help you understand who you are and learn to spot any behaviours (if there are any) that might be off-putting to others. It's not fair really for ND people that neurotypical people are so unaccepting of difference and presentations that are unusual. In the end it's not their fault that their ND gives them different ways of being in the world and connecting with people. Do move on from this 'friendship'. Stop blaming yourself for her choices. Try to find some more accepting friends maybe through a hobby or activity you enjoy. Look for some counselling to help you understand yourself better and feel better about who you are.

It would have been better if she had had the guts to tell you why she was ending the friendship but sadly people prefer to avoid the difficult conversation and just slowly back away, hoping the other person will get the message.

It's often advised on here. And claimed to be an attempt to avoid hurting the other person which makes me laugh because that's bollocks.

That said, she has through her actions made it very clear she no longer wants you in her life. You must respect that. It's unfair that you don't know why (if you dont) but life has never promised us fairness. Or closure for thst matter.

I think you do know what the problem is. You just don't want to admit it, maybe even to yourself. Perhaps your friend did talk to you about your neediness or lack of boundaries in the past but you didn't understand what she was saying.

You come across as very intense, quite dramatic and some of your replies have been somewhat manipulative and passive aggressive. I'm not saying this is intentional but it is how you come across. I presume this is how you are in real life and if so, people will continue to pull away from you.

Which is sad because it will make you more intense, fearful, dramatic etc.

You need some sort of therapy and to build your confidence. See if you can talk to your GP and find out what is available.

You can use this painful experience to turn your life around.

There’s probably a lot wider picture at her end.

my being her was my bff had a nervous breakdown and I was her crutch and my mum got cancer, I needed a friend for lighter times and got used as an emotional punch bag still after saying time after time I couldn’t cope with
another’s difficulties.

It would have been better if she had had the guts to tell you why she was ending the friendship but sadly people prefer to avoid the difficult conversation and just slowly back away, hoping the other person will get the message.

OP was told. There are previous threads, as OP has said. She wasn't ghosted. She just doesn't want to accept her friend's decision.

Please, all you people saying to OP, "oh you poor thing", have a look at her previous posts. She's not a young girl - she has at least one adult child. Her others may well be older than that. She does know what she's done because her friend has told her. She is persecuting her - she was asked to first give her some space and stop contacting her back in October. The friend blocked her number because she would not stop. The friend has clearly been pushed to this. In these circumstances, phoning from a withheld number is unforgivable and shows what little respect OP has for her. You are not doing her any favours with all the hand patting. Please have a look at her other threads to get the full history, which includes her sending "nasty" texts (her word) to the friend. She clearly needs psychiatric help and she should be guided in that direction, not told what a poor little thing she is. That's what she wants to hear and the next thing will be her turning up on the friend's doorstep to confront her "because that's what people on Mumsnet said I should do".

So you tricked her into answering your call OP. That's really not good. Youe reasons for ringing her this time (for support) are probably a huge clue as to why she's gone NC. It was all about you.
She should of had the decency to end the friendship by explaining this, but she is being clear now,that she wants no contact.
It's hurtful, but you need to move on, and find ways to make new friends. You are wasting too much valuable time and headspace thinking about this woman.

Read the thread, and OP’s previous ones. She does know why the friend dropped her - because OP was effectively stalking her and making demands on her time she couldn’t meet, she’s still stalking her now with anonymous phone calls and is heading for police involvement if she doesn’t get help.

Read the previous thread. The friend was quite clear.

You need therapy urgently. Wishing you all the best.

Stop beating yourself up. There is nothing wrong with you. I have a different experience to @spanieleyes22. I have been blocked by at least 3 women in my lifetime (actually, this was before blocking as we know it existed). Two them eventually told me why they hated me: you won't believe this, but they both confessed that I was lovely and that they were jealous of me! I couldn't believe it. Me?! Who would be jealous of me?

The third hasn't told me why she is distancing herself from me but I know that she has been going through an extremely stressful time and took it out on me.

So, I would say that everyone's experience is different and you don't sound like an awful person to me. As others have said your friend has her reasons and they may actually have very little to do with you. You have to move on. You need to focus on how you can get your own needs met. This will enable you to make much stronger relationships in the future.

This is brilliant advice OP from someone who gets it totally. Follow it.

Oh, I didn't read the other threads. This makes me see this in a different way. However that doesn't stop me wanting to sympathise with the OP. She obviously needs to do some work at learning how to trust herself, build esteem and not be so dependent on other women.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward, op. I sincerely hope that in time you will find friendships which are mutually nurturing.

Ah, I see... thanks for explaining. That makes a lot more sense. Context is everything, eh?