Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you have hung up on me

261 replies

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 12:38

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

OP posts:
DuckieDodgyHedgyPiggy · 13/03/2025 19:50

LilacPeer · 13/03/2025 11:31

I think part of the problem might be the way you interpret things. In no part of my comment did I say I hated either of the friends I'd distanced myself from. In fact quite the opposite, I loved them both dearly, but in the end, they were not friendships I could continue for my own wellbeing. I gave all of myself to these friends for years and years and in the end when at rock bottom, something had to give.

Show quote history

Yes, I feel the same. I was very fond of someone but I ended the friendship because she put pressure on me and guilt-tripped me, among other things.

OP, she doesn't hate you. She just doesn't want to hear from you (for her own reasons).

Laura95167 · 13/03/2025 22:27

Honestly I feel for you. No one expects to "break up" with a friend. And if you don't know why I imagine that plays havoc with your self esteem.

Saying that if I'd made the decision to cut contact no I wouldn't answer your calls or yes I'd hang up. It may be she finds you too needy, your post sounds needy and the comment about only turning to her when you're ill to save your family the hardship sounds like she was the only emotional outlet you had and that's alot. She may have had stuff going herself and not been able to deal with it. I'm not sure.

I know it hurts and it says more about her than you. But she's made up her mind and you're picking at scab. You need to make new friends and if you want to move past this you need to stop thinking about how it was when she was your bestie because she isn't anymore and maybe hasn't been for longer than you know

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 13/03/2025 22:40

Laura95167 · 13/03/2025 22:27

Honestly I feel for you. No one expects to "break up" with a friend. And if you don't know why I imagine that plays havoc with your self esteem.

Saying that if I'd made the decision to cut contact no I wouldn't answer your calls or yes I'd hang up. It may be she finds you too needy, your post sounds needy and the comment about only turning to her when you're ill to save your family the hardship sounds like she was the only emotional outlet you had and that's alot. She may have had stuff going herself and not been able to deal with it. I'm not sure.

I know it hurts and it says more about her than you. But she's made up her mind and you're picking at scab. You need to make new friends and if you want to move past this you need to stop thinking about how it was when she was your bestie because she isn't anymore and maybe hasn't been for longer than you know

OP knows exactly why the friendship broke up. She was putting pressure on the friend to spend more time texting and answering OP’s texts, and wouldn’t accept it when friend told her she didn’t have the time (friend is married with children). OP sent a nasty message and friend blocked her. This was back in October - several threads about it at the time. Since then OP has tried to make contact and when friend didn’t respond, resorted to anonymous phone calls. OP is more than ‘needy’. She crossed a line which brought about the end of the friendship and six months later is still obsessing about it. If l were the friend l would be contacting the police the next time a call came through with number withheld.

Laura95167 · 13/03/2025 23:44

Lovelysausagedogscrumpy · 13/03/2025 22:40

OP knows exactly why the friendship broke up. She was putting pressure on the friend to spend more time texting and answering OP’s texts, and wouldn’t accept it when friend told her she didn’t have the time (friend is married with children). OP sent a nasty message and friend blocked her. This was back in October - several threads about it at the time. Since then OP has tried to make contact and when friend didn’t respond, resorted to anonymous phone calls. OP is more than ‘needy’. She crossed a line which brought about the end of the friendship and six months later is still obsessing about it. If l were the friend l would be contacting the police the next time a call came through with number withheld.

Edited
Show quote history

Ah thanks, I hadn't seen all the October ones.

She was never entitled to all of her friends time and attention and her friend didn't deserve a nasty text. I agree with you

ZebedeeDougalFlorence · 14/03/2025 00:54

BeaAndBen · 13/03/2025 14:43

The last thing @spanieleyes22 need is to be kind to herself!

It's the victim, poor me, martyrdom complex that got her here. She wallows in it and dwells on it, while blaming everyone else and getting passive agressive about it.

OP need to take responsibility for her own behaviour, stop hounding this poor woman (a thread every three months at least) who has clearly articulated why she'd had quite enough, and start behaving like an adult.

Doing some CBT or other counselling to look at her thought patterns and reslience would do her far more good than 'being kind to herself."

Show quote history

surely she can take responsibility for her actions AND be kind to herself at the same time? It serves absolutely no purpose for her to beat herself up. I understand what you say about playing the victim and being kind to oneself can be a way of making sure you don't do that.

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/03/2025 07:08

Namechangetry · 13/03/2025 19:38

if she can do that with no explanation and no contact then maybe she wasn't as good a friend in the beginning.

The friend didn't do it with no explanation, she asked OP for space and OP wouldn't stop. OP has posted multiple times about this, wanting posters to tell her she's been wronged and shore up her victimhood. OP behaved badly and doesn't want to take responsibility for that.

Show quote history

Thank you for telling me.
Perhaps you didn't see my comment underneath this one where I stated that I hadn't read all posts ........ Or perhaps you did and still felt to correct me.

Regardless, have a great day @Namechangetry

Pippyls67 · 14/03/2025 07:19

Watch the Banshees of Innisherin on ITV player. It’s a beautiful film and could comfort you. It’s about a man going through the same feelings you’re going through. It’s sad and there’s no happy ending as such but it’s got some ‘resolution’ of a fashion in that he learns to accept it in the end. I feel for you Op. It’s horrible and you’re right it is cruel of her but sadly life can be like that when someone else has issues which they can’t and won’t deal with constructively. Please just save yourself though and move on to better things as you suggest.

Namechangetry · 14/03/2025 07:26

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 14/03/2025 07:08

Thank you for telling me.
Perhaps you didn't see my comment underneath this one where I stated that I hadn't read all posts ........ Or perhaps you did and still felt to correct me.

Regardless, have a great day @Namechangetry

Show quote history

I did not. I was getting irritated by people posting without reading the thread. And then clearly, did the same thing myself . Mea culpa.

LaLoba · 14/03/2025 07:39

spanieleyes22 · 12/03/2025 13:00

Cos she has blocked me. I thought if she picked up she might regret blocking me and being so final about cutting me out of her life and we could build bridges

Show quote history

I think we are seeing the reason she pulled away from you in the first place - you don’t accept boundaries.

I am currently ignoring efforts to contact me from a friend who will consider me to be ghosting him. The reality is I’ve explained on multiple occasions, patiently and kindly, that my fatigue levels mean I can’t respond to (or even read) long missives recounting every detail of his latest problem. Any contact from me will result in more of the same, he’s just not accepting being asked nicely.

Continuing to ignore a boundary is exhausting for the other person and not a benign behaviour. All you are achieving is reinforcing her decision to end the friendship.

CaptainFuture · 14/03/2025 09:03

Pippyls67 · 14/03/2025 07:19

Watch the Banshees of Innisherin on ITV player. It’s a beautiful film and could comfort you. It’s about a man going through the same feelings you’re going through. It’s sad and there’s no happy ending as such but it’s got some ‘resolution’ of a fashion in that he learns to accept it in the end. I feel for you Op. It’s horrible and you’re right it is cruel of her but sadly life can be like that when someone else has issues which they can’t and won’t deal with constructively. Please just save yourself though and move on to better things as you suggest.

Why @Pippyls67 is it cruel of the friend to have personal boundaries and not engage with people she doesn't want to?
I really don't understand all the posters who are saying the friend is awful/showing her true colours/is cruel.
Do you honestly think people shouldn't get a say in who their friends are? If someone wants to be your friend and that requires you to be a support human, answering infinite texts/calls immediately then you must or you are 'cruel'?
Does that carry across to sexual relationships too? If someone wants to be in a relationship with you, you don't get a choice?

ItGhoul · 14/03/2025 09:50

Pippyls67 · 14/03/2025 07:19

Watch the Banshees of Innisherin on ITV player. It’s a beautiful film and could comfort you. It’s about a man going through the same feelings you’re going through. It’s sad and there’s no happy ending as such but it’s got some ‘resolution’ of a fashion in that he learns to accept it in the end. I feel for you Op. It’s horrible and you’re right it is cruel of her but sadly life can be like that when someone else has issues which they can’t and won’t deal with constructively. Please just save yourself though and move on to better things as you suggest.

Having read the OP’s other threads, I’d say Baby Reindeer might be more apt.

LilacPeer · 14/03/2025 09:59

HarLace1 · 13/03/2025 08:03

Can I ask how old she is? Because her behaviour is pretty pathetic she could at least have the balls to say I don't want to be friends because 'you did this, you did that, I don't get anything from the friendship anymore" and so on. However, as much as it hurts and you are completely in the dark about why this has happened, would u really want to be friends with her again if this is how she treats people? Rather than actually have the decency to say to you why u aren't friends anymore? At least u would have had some closure on the friendship.

Please forget about her, you also don't want to look desperate which unfortunately you'll start to look like.

The thing is, with some people, that isn't a final conversation, its an invitation to try and correct their behviour. Which sometimes is too little too late. Or it might be the lead in to a slanging match about who did what to who and when and who is harder done by. Which isn't necessary.

berightorbehappy · 14/03/2025 10:11

Whatever went on between you the friendship was actually over in October . To keep going to a place where what you want isn’t available is painful . I wonder why it’s taking you such a long time to accept this ? I wouldn’t have hung up on you and probably would have explained why l couldn’t be friends any more but everyone’s different and this person has clearly no intention of explaining . Stop contacting them and try to move on .

diddl · 14/03/2025 10:51

My daughter had a friend like this.

No attention was ever enough.

It was a relief to us all when the friend decided to become an ex friend.

steff13 · 14/03/2025 14:40

Pippyls67 · 14/03/2025 07:19

Watch the Banshees of Innisherin on ITV player. It’s a beautiful film and could comfort you. It’s about a man going through the same feelings you’re going through. It’s sad and there’s no happy ending as such but it’s got some ‘resolution’ of a fashion in that he learns to accept it in the end. I feel for you Op. It’s horrible and you’re right it is cruel of her but sadly life can be like that when someone else has issues which they can’t and won’t deal with constructively. Please just save yourself though and move on to better things as you suggest.

I'm curious, what do you think one has to do in order to be justified in blocking someone who won't leave them alone? The friend asked for space, the OP didn't respect it. Only then did the friend block her. Would you expect the friend to just allow her boundaries to be crossed forever?

Shotokan101 · 14/03/2025 18:58

Explain the original circumstances for the break up or stop whinging about the "fallout"......

Pippyls67 · 14/03/2025 23:03

I believe you. I think it’s all been very hard and I can see you’ve suffered a lot over all of this. You’re not a bad friend and there probably isn’t anything wrong with you and your personality as you put it. People change and their circumstances change. Something went wrong and she really should have done the decent thing and told you what happened so you could get closer and move on more easily. I think if I were you I would write to her home address very briefly saying you respect her decision, you will honour it and no longer make any attempts to he friends but could she just tell you if it was something about you - that you could perhaps benefit from not doing in your future friendships to ensure they are more successful. If you didn’t do anything wrong could she just let you know that for your peace of mind going forward. Then say a very civil goodbye and wish her well for the future. Keep the whole thing totally unsentimental, positive and polite. She may well not reply and if that’s the case you absolutely must put all your energy into trying new things and meeting new people.

HellDorado · 14/03/2025 23:59

I think if I were you I would write to her home address very briefly saying you respect her decision, you will honour it and no longer make any attempts to he friends but could she just tell you if it was something about you - that you could perhaps benefit from not doing in your future friendships to ensure they are more successful. If you didn’t do anything wrong could she just let you know that for your peace of mind going forward.

Yes, that’ll convince her OP is handling this completely normally… 🙄

Mervyco · 15/03/2025 03:56

There are friends for a reason, friends for a season and friends for life.
She obviously is not in the latter catagory.
Whatever the reason for her distance, it is there and you have to accept it. There are plenty of nice people out there, so go find them

Facescar77 · 15/03/2025 07:12

OP, I get it. I had a best friend for years, we were like sisters until one day she just fell out with me. No arguments, no bust up, she just sent a one line text saying I never supported her and that was that. I never knew what I'd done wrong. I always felt I bent over backwards to support her and have her back but she obviously felt differently. It still hurts now, over 15yrs later. Loosing a best friend is worse that loosing a boyfriend sometimes but you do just need to move on.

CaptainFuture · 15/03/2025 07:43

@Facescar77 did you then verbally abuse, stalk and harass your friend?

IHopeYouStepOnALegPiece · 15/03/2025 08:15

Pippyls67 · 14/03/2025 23:03

I believe you. I think it’s all been very hard and I can see you’ve suffered a lot over all of this. You’re not a bad friend and there probably isn’t anything wrong with you and your personality as you put it. People change and their circumstances change. Something went wrong and she really should have done the decent thing and told you what happened so you could get closer and move on more easily. I think if I were you I would write to her home address very briefly saying you respect her decision, you will honour it and no longer make any attempts to he friends but could she just tell you if it was something about you - that you could perhaps benefit from not doing in your future friendships to ensure they are more successful. If you didn’t do anything wrong could she just let you know that for your peace of mind going forward. Then say a very civil goodbye and wish her well for the future. Keep the whole thing totally unsentimental, positive and polite. She may well not reply and if that’s the case you absolutely must put all your energy into trying new things and meeting new people.

Edited

This is stupid fucking advice. She’s needs to leave her friend alone not ask her to tell her what she’s done wrong when it’s painfully fucking obvious

Pippyls67 · 15/03/2025 09:01

WhiskerPatrol · 15/03/2025 08:52

The dates don’t tally up though. I think this has just happened in the OPs life surely? Remarkably similar though.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/03/2025 09:05

Pippyls67 · 15/03/2025 09:01

The dates don’t tally up though. I think this has just happened in the OPs life surely? Remarkably similar though.

Show quote history

OP was posting from last summer about the issue has a few threads about it.