Would you have hung up on me

[spanieleyes22]

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

Look, you're being incredibly over-dramatic, which most people will run a mile from. It's very hard hearing home truths about yourself, it's not an easy thing to do.

But if you want to retain friendships you're going to have to do some work on understanding, and genuinely accepting where you have gone wrong. (NOT by being over-the-top and saying 'oh yes aren't I awful').

Really listen. Genuinely think about your own behaviour. Genuinely try and understand things from a different perspective. Sounds like you've lost a lot of friends already and the only way to stop this from happening again is if you work on yourself.

This, OP, sorry. I think you would benefit from counselling.

Are you male or female op?

Are you able to share a link to the previous thread to provide some background?

On the face if it, you need to leave her alone though!

I remember them too. OP, in the nicest possible way, you do need help. Why couldn't you see that, even from just from the perspective of self-protection, phoning someone who no longer wants to be your friend when you're feeling ill and low is just not a good idea? I mean, anyone else would have been a better idea -- your GP, the Samaritans.

It seems to me that because you're not fully grounded within yourself, you are not in a good headspace to make or keep lasting friendships, and you are probably difficult to be around. Until you do some work on yourself, that's likely to continue.

OP I replied to one of your previous threads.
I am sorry you are upset you sound really distressed.
Yes, you’ve made a mistake but it’s not like you’ve run someone over or clubbed them around the head.
If you want to make friends, start with yourself.
If you can’t work out what’s happened with this friend, but then start calling yourself names, you are not going to make progress.
You could still be sitting here in a year ruminating about what happened with this friend.
I am a pretty decent person and I blocked a friend at some point. It was for repeatedly crossing a boundary but there was a constant background that I was her only real friend, her self esteem was very low, and it got too much for me. And yep if she called me now I would put the phone down.
I have been in your shoes and it was horrible but at some point I thought… no more. And it was hard pushing myself to try new things. I got some therapy. I made myself go out into the world.
Find something to be of service or be in a group. Help at a food bank. Join a choir. Do something to get out of your headspace and into the real world.
You have phoned this friend at a low point. She has sensed it and thought, no. Not again.
So it’s your responsibility to act. Nobody in life owes us anything and having a decent friendship means being a positive presence.
Start with you. The way you speak about yourself jumps from your posts. It’s not helping you.
You are clearly a great mum so start there. Go out there and find something to do, what it is doesn’t matter. And friendships need more than WhatsApp messages. When you meet people in person these confusions happen less.
So try be thinking…
I am good person and I made a mistake.
A friendship ended and it left me feeling hurt and confused.
I have been down and now I’m poorly. I’m going to make a hot drink, have a nice bath or shower and watch a TV show I like and enjoy which makes me laugh.
I am going to write a small list of little things I can do for myself - go to a nice bookshop, check out what’s happening locally, treat myself to a new lipstick.
One of the things that comes from helping others is that it lifts you out of yourself, and it bonds you to others. You will meet like-minded people.
I did this by going to my local church which is outside of my religion and they took me in. There is always something going on, I’ve met some lovely ladies, too.
Today do for yourself what you wanted this friend to do - be kind to yourself and give yourself a fresh chance

You are catastrophising. You may not have said or done anything wrong - she might be the problem.

Why she blocked you doesn’t matter. All that matters is that she wants to end the friendship and never hear from you. Leave her alone and understand that you’ll never get answers because she doesn’t want to talk to you. 💐

This is the previous thread where OP was told she was being far too intense and verging on harassment and to leave this woman alone.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5193793-have-y-ever-forgiven-a-friend

I’d have hung up on you and I’d be seriously freaked out by your behaviour, I’d feel harassed. Blocking someone is a very clear stance, you are behaving like a deranged stalker.

Jesus Christ.

OP, in your other threads you admitted that you kept texting her, then asked if you’d offended her. She said no, she was just busy and needed space. You then sent her an angry text saying she was mean/cruel for not keeping in touch as often as you wanted.

She, understandably, told you she didn’t want a friendship with someone who can’t respect other people’s space and blocked you. You then sent her a card and were upset that she ignored it.

You then posted a million threads on here saying “Is it fair to block someone over one spur of the moment text” and “How long should it take to forgive a friend” and in all of them you are extremely self-pitying and disingenuous and passive-aggressive - just like your replies in this thread.

You have been doing this for months.

This not normal or healthy and you don’t ever attempt to change your behaviour or your way of thinking. It’s obsessive. You need help.

This might be the most concise, and specific, example of passive aggressive/covert narcissistic behaviour that I have ever seen on MN.

OP I feel for you, I do. But you have to STOP. Please please please try to look at your own words in this post. Be compeltely honest , with yourself if not with us, you don't mean any of this do you? Deep down, you want people to tell you that no, of course you deserve friendships and you have the right to try to talk to her. This is just you, unsuccessflly, trying to get a different response on this thread.

It’s most likely not hate, more exasperation or sheer exhaustion, if you're this needy and prone to self pity. Your poor pitiful me responses are not helping your case I’m afraid. I do feel for you but I also think you may need to take a good hard look at yourself and see where you could have been pushing her away.

I didn’t know any of this but it makes it a lot clearer why the friend has blocked.

OP you are too intense. It’s as simple as that.

You sound like a jilted lover.
Do you have feeling for this woman? Like beyond friendship?

Going from texting a few times a day to being blocked has been really hard to bear.

You were texting a few times a day, and you still complained that you weren't hearing from her enough, and you felt neglected? It sounds like she was a good friend to you, despite other commitments, and you expected too much from her because she was your only friend.

For whatever reason, she decided she couldn't meet your needs, and the best way forward was to sever contact - and you need to respect that. Saying you've only tried to contact her four times since then - three calls and a card - is not doing anything but reinforcing her decision that this could never be a healthy relationship.

You'll probably never get to talk it through; but you have to accept it. That's what this phase is about now. Acceptance of her decision.

It's not about beating yourself up and being a martyr; it's about setting out to change things that will make you happier. Make an effort to make some new friends, and make sure that those friendships are two-way and that you're not overly dependent on any specific one.

And that, ladies and gents, is how to make a former friend head for the nearest emergency exit.

@spanieleyes22 - can’t you hear yourself? The passive aggressive tone, the heavy Poor Me tone, the unsubtle fishing for sympathy? Can you really not see what you are doing?

You need to get your head in a healthier place. You are not a victim. A former friend didn’t want to see you anymore. It happens.

You have to take responsibility for your behaviour and become less dependent on others propping your self esteem up. That’s an extremely heavy burden for someone to carry.

No one wants to be the Support Human rather than a mate. When you slap this emotional baggage down you are expecting someone else to lift it up for you.

Approach your GP for some counselling through IAPTS, get a book on CBT, but step back and look at how your reactions are coming across to others.

You don’t have to be this unhappy. But the only one who can change it is you. The first part is letting go of this aggrieved, pass/agg reaction.

Also, when you'r ebeing honest with yourself, if you can, look at what caused the original issue. I seem to recall there was an argument or disagreement? And then it all escalated from there. Think about whether eally that was te first time there'd been such an argument or disagreement. Consider whether your response was appropriate.

And if after all that you decide that SHE is in the wrong and has behaved appallingly, then have the courage of your convictions and make the decision to move on becuase SHE is not a good friend.

This is just like the narcissistic man who accuses his partner of being awful, cruel, cheating etc... and yet, never actually leaves. It's all just for attention and control.

The only friend I have ever blocked was exactly like you. "Oh I must be such a terrible person" "I need to learn to not be so selfish" "Oh I understand, its because I'm a shit person"

It's fucking exhausting and absolutely not what a friend should be. You somehow managed to Mae everything about you, its baffling.

Combine that with your multiple threads last year about this friend then it is clear you've treated her very poorly and she has walked away for a v good reason.

This, gosh OP I get that you are hurt, but honestly you sound just like my parents and guess what? I am now no contact with them as I couldn't take the pressure. They were emotional vampires, they sucked the room dry of emotion.

You are too much, too full on! People have lives, they aren't your own personal entertainment.

Please seek therapy, your actions and reactions are not normal.

Op, I don't know if your aim in starting all these threads is to make people feel sorry for you, be affronted on your behalf and gang up on your friend and tell you how awful she is, but if it is, it's not working, is it? In other unrelated threads, you talk about other friends - why don't you nurture those friendships instead? Having said that though, you seem to have at least one other friend who finds you overbearing (decluttering), so perhaps you should consider how that fits with this problem. Whatever, you have to leave this poor woman alone. I can't be the only one who can't believe you don't know what you did to precipitate her extreme reaction. If she really was your friend for 17 years, and if she really was your "best" friend, I can't believe she did this on a whim. I also think it very interesting that on yet other unrelated threads, your advice to people has been in the "block and move one, you don't need this" vein. Please please will you use all the time you are currently spending on thinking about, talking about, writing about this problem to get some proper help.

What? That miraculously hearing your voice would wake her up and make her realise that she missed you?

I think other PPs are right, you need to let this go. do you behave like this with other people? If you have children, I worry about whether you apply this guilt driven/victim mentality to them whenever there's an argument or disagreement because I warn you, if you do, you're setting yourself up for a challenging relationship with them as adults.

Have you ever been diagnosed with BPD?

This is not what anyone has said, where are you getting this from?

Automatically pivoting to this kind of extreme response is really odd. It’s also a form of manipulation. It’s like an elderly relative I’ve got, if I said to her “is it ok if we finish lunch by x time as I’ve got to do y”, she would go off on a spiral of “well if you’re so busy let’s leave it I don’t want to burden you, I’m so sorry to occupy your time…”. Basically a massive exhausting guilt trip with some martyrdom thrown in.

No one is saying you should accept everything, say nothing, what kind of a friendship would that be? I have debated with my friends all the time. But if one of you gives such a clear signal that they want to terminate the friendship that they BLOCK you FFS, you simply have to accept that.

I also remember exBIL once being extraordinarily rude and aggressive with me. I won't bore anyone with the details but he was so unpleasant it felt vaguelly threatening and he sort of pushed past me in an overly physical manner. But later, he basically told me he shouldn't have done that.... BUT he couldn't help it because him and SIL had had a fight and he just can't control himself. And he hoenstly thought I was going to be sympathetic to him. You seem similar.