Would you have hung up on me

[spanieleyes22]

So I posted before about a "break up" with a friend of over 15 years around October last. I found it very hard as she wouldn't talk to me or discuss anything she just blocked me on everything. I sent her a Xmas card but no response. Yesterday I was feeling down and lonely I've been sick with a flu thing and am just very down. I remembered last year when I was sick she was the only person I really told as I don't want to moan to family and she checked in on me - by text- and I rang her number withholding my number. I did try doing that a couple of times back when it happened but she never answered just a voicemail message would come on. I suppose I didn't expect her to answer and when she did I was happy and said hi it's spaniel eyes and then long silence and I said please don't hang up but before I finished the sentence she had hung up. I know it was stupid of me. I've been really upset but annoyed with myself too. I know it's time to forget her now she couldn't make it any clearer. I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that. I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed.

I agree with those who say you're coming across as needy and intense. There's two sides to every story. She may be right in blocking you, she may not, but ultimately it's her choice and you need to accept it and move on. Strong friendships are no different to romantic relationships sometimes in that, when they end, you pick yourself up off the floor, find your self esteem and walk away.

If you don't want to revisit what happened to break up the friendship, no-one here can help you understand why it happened.... so it's a bit counterintuitive to go 'but why!' and then not say what actually happened.

....which leads me to think that you know deep down that you caused this from something you did, but you don't want to admit it.

She doesn't owe you anything. Calling anyone from a withheld number is creepy harassment. Accept she doesn't want you in her life and move on. I would have hung up on you too.

You can’t make somebody like you/want to be a friend.

A lot of time has passed since October and if you have been blocked this entire time then she isn’t going to suddenly change her mind about that.

You tricked her into answering your call by phoning from a withheld number and I think any doubts she might have had about her decision will be gone now from that action.

Its really hard, but you have to let her go. For whatever reason she doesn’t want to be your friend anymore.

I'd just love to know why she feels she has to do this. look at all your old threads on this, it's clear why.
Whatever happened I don't feel warrants this: I feel it's actually cruel. doesn't matter what you feel, it's her decision, it's not cruel for her not to dance to your tune.
But I know you all will tell me to stop wasting my time so I'm trying to do that.
its more the friend people are concerned about!
I id hope for a minute or so but quickly dashed. Why? What do you thinks changed? This hope dashing is purely on you.

Some harsh responses here but I needed to hear them thanks. I feel like such a stupid idiot. But will never ever contact her again. Have just deleted her num from my phone so I can't be tempted to. I should have known better I'm a stupid needy idiot that needs professional help I know you don't have to say it any more. I get it.

Don’t think anyone called you stupid, this very martyred response is tiresome in friendships though.

Leave her alone. And yes, if I had blocked someone and they tried to trick me into talking to them by calling me from a withheld number I would absolutely hang up on them.

You just keep saying that YOU want to talk to her and YOU think you deserve that. What about what SHE wants? She doesn’t want to talk because she clearly finds the whole thing draining and wants to move on. You sound obsessed.

I wish I could wind back the clock . For one I wouldn't have said boo to her just let her do whatever she wanted. And for two when she blocked me I would have accepted and respected her boundary from that moment . I was desperate to explain and talk it out as it was so sudden but I should have said and done nothing. I hope I've learnt from it. I have no other friends left though. Just acquaintances so should be safe enough now.

I remember your multiple threads about this woman. Please leave her alone and access some therapy for yourself.

She can't make it any clearer that she does not wish to hear from you. By ringing her you were not respecting her crystal clear boundaries. I'm sorry, I get that it hurts.

You might want to look into DBT therapy

Not a martyr at all just time to accept what a needy "friend" I am that deserved to be blocked and should have kept my big gob shut at all times: I'm my own worst enemy. Most people seem to agree this is the way I should have behaved . Say nothing. Accept everything. Question nothing. Respect boundaries . Am
Trying to learn to do this.

Yeh you hit the nail on the head here thanks

I don't know your particular situation, so I'm not presuming ours are the same. But I have been 'the blocker' on two occasions.

Both friends became overwhelming for me. Attempts to distance myself didn't work and while in one case I wish it could have worked out, she was lovely just very anxious and needy. The other wasn't a good person and while she was (mostly) a fab friend to me, she was so vile and vicious to other people, it was becoming a draining friendship.

I feel guilt that both didn't get the opportunity to discuss the problems, but for me I know I am very easily led back into situations that I don't want to be in, so as not to hurt feelings and so a total freeze felt like my only option. I know that's probably not a popular stance though.

Most people seem to agree this is the way I should have behaved . Say nothing. Accept everything. Question nothing. that's the martyrdom, 'poor me' that pp mentioned.
But yes respect boundaries do this.

All this self-pity and emotional blackmail is not helping. You clearly want people to say there, there and feel sorry for you, and to feel guilty for telling the truth. This is manipulative. Stop doing it.

The fact you say "I have no other friends left" makes me think she isn't the only one with issues with you. I'm not usually one to say seek counselling but I do think on this occasion it could be something very beneficial to you.

I've had the same happen to me, my best friend of 20years just stopped talking to me, I messaged her and said i know you don't want to talk to me for whatever reason but the kids keep asking about you so If you still have their number maybe give them a message sometime. She never read it and the kids have never had a text from her either. I was upset, it's hard to get over isn't it? Especially when there wasn't really a reason for it but it's been a few months now and I'm just not interested. I wish her all the best and hope she's happy but I think if she tried to speak to me I would politely message and say I didn't really want a friendship with her again, it would never be the same anyway.
I'd forget about her, if she can do that then your friendship meant alot more to you than her

Even if she gave you a reason, she might not tell you the truth. Also, you seem desperate to keep this friendship alive, be honest with yourself, if she gave a reason, would you just not try and argue back that you'll change, you'll be better etc?

It is very hard when someone you rely on in life and you think likes you too, removes themselves with no explanation. Unfortunately, in this case, you will not get the resolution you seek.

Your friend tried multiple times to tell you to back off. You were accused of harassing her then, in your previous posts back in October about her. She said she needed space and you said every day without her felt like a week.

Friendships should not be like that. You are putting everything on one person and expecting everything from them. It’s not fair. You continually ignored her requests for space and contacted her anyway and now, all these months later, have done the same.

It is said with kindness that you should get therapy. Work on yourself and it won’t feel so all or nothing with one person. Even relationships should not be like this. Let alone friendships.

I notice you've said when you were feeling unwell last year she was the only person you told and had a moan to, if you were seriously ill I'd understand this, but it was a "flu type thing". It sounds like you have been a needy friend, and often the neediest friends aren't there for you in return. When she tried to take some space you called her out on it, essentially throwing a tantrum because you're not her number one priority and now you're violating her boundaries by calling from withheld numbers.

You really do have some work to do on yourself OP, you have no right to demand another's time and its very clear to strangers on the internet why this friendship ended so you need to take your closure from that. Leave her alone and move on.

It makes me sad that she must have hated me so much she had to block me. After so many years. But I have to accept there is something in my personality that she didn't like

This is catastrophising and martyring again. She didn’t say she hated you, she asked for space because you were clearly being very intense. You did not respect her request for space and continued to contact her. I’m sure she felt blocking you was the only way to get the space she asked for and to have you respect it. You have, however, found a way around the blocking to contact her again.

Nothing to do with hating you, though if you keep pushing and pushing I’m sure she will get there.

Go to counselling OP, it will help you. You clearly can't see how manipulative and martyrish your posts are. It will really help you live a happier life with better relationships if you can recognise your behaviour and then hopefully change it.

If you say so but I wish I could show you the text messages. I never badgered her. Never. I would never even message her at weekends as I knew she valued family time . 9 times out of 10 she initiates contact. I know you all don't believe me. I had a nasty flu last year and I didnt tell my dd or mum and I commented to her one day that she was the only person who checked in on me how I was and she thought it was sweet: I was the same to her - she had covid for weeks and I used check in with her every day or so just saying how are you r u ok. I thought she appreciated it as she said too that nobody else was checking on her. Even her husband got tired of asking her . I know none of you believe me though.