AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

If you can leave your toddler with grandparents I'd just go with your dh and ask another couple or go on your own.

He is drowning in debt which I am paying off for him. I am paying for almost all of our household costs including couples counselling which is going nowhere. He’s been too down and depressed to get a proper job for eighteen months. I had to cut my maternity leave short to compensate and use up my savings. He now wants to put a holiday for SC on MY credit card instead of letting me have my free break.

Hell no OP. Leave him at home and go on holiday with your child (and maybe a friend, if you fancy). Stop paying off his debt - he is responsible for it, he needs to figure out how to pay it off. Is this relationship really worth saving?

Take your younger child and also your DH's DD.
All four of you go and have a great time.

Relabel the later camping trip as a boys adventure, where the 8 and 11 year old boys camp with their father for all of the trip and you and the other two just for two days. Hang out at home having restful and private days.

By paying for all other household costs you are allowing this situation to continue
and paying off his debts too - madness
Are you able to switch to discuss with a trusted friend or family member why you are allowing yourself to be used in this way?

I want my husband there to attempt to rebuild our connection as a coupl

If I were him, I would not want to totally upset my children to appease a new partner. I would put my children first and would feel too guilty to 'rebuild a connection.' I would also take a dim view of anyone who could do this as a very selfish person.

You’re going to get loads of posts now from people who haven’t read your updates.

I would post again in Relationships if you need any advice re navigating the split.

Good luck. He will soon find a replacement to finance him. His sort always do.

Is there a cash alternative to the prize?

I don’t even know how he had the audacity to suggest adding them to the holiday without being able to contribute a single penny towards it. Asking you to take debt on for his kids when you’re already paying his child maintenance for them is next level CF. And you are paying it because you are paying the mortgage payments so he can pay the maintenance. Go on holiday with your toddler then make your escape! ❤️

I think this would be in the best interests of the majority of the children in this situation.

Genius

I think people are being very unfair on you OP. From your responses it’s easy to see this isn’t just a holiday, this is you asking your DH to try and put your marriage back on track. The fact your toddler will be there is irrelevant.

DH wants this just to be a family holiday, You are wanting this to be a break from the grind and time to reflect. If your DH can’t understand that then you are correct that your marriage is on the rocks and likely to end with you both splitting. Maybe let him read this thread so that he can really grasp the seriousness of your feelings and how fed up you are.

I think you should go away just the three of you and try and repair your marriage. If he refuses then send him packing and us the holiday as a break to clear your mind ready to start your life as just you and your toddler.

It's your prize so you get to choose who goes. Od course you can go on holiday just you, your DH and your child together without the step children. They have two families so they only spend half their time with you. You are allowed to go on holiday during your time without them.

The prize is for two children. Your toddler is taking one of the places that leaves one child place left. Explain to the step children that you couldn't possibly pick one of them to go and leave the other one out so the fairest thing to do is none of them take the place. You can't afford to take the additional two with you, you have too many debts already. Book the holiday during term time and tell DSC they can't go because they'll be at school.

New partner?? They've got a toddler. Have you actually read any of the OP'S posts?

Do you have any friends with kids under 5, might be a nice idea! Or your mum.

I love my nephews and my friend’s kids who are 11/12 but when we do activities together it is a completely different dynamic as activities are chosen based on what the older kids want to do and the toddler just goes with the flow and watches. My brothers went away last year for a family trip and I opted not to go as my toddler would not have been able to/interested in the things the older kids were doing and they tend to just walk ahead when my toddler can’t keep up. Holidays with older kids are much more involved, more expensive (activities, food etc) and there is little time to just chill. If you bring your SC it’ll be a holiday for the kids and you will be running around keeping them entertained. It will also cost a LOT more money if you have 3 lunches and dinners a day, activities and all the random stuff the kids want to buy.

When we go away alone with our toddler there are a lot of walks, playgrounds and digging on the beach which older kids would find boring.

With your husband I would give an ultimatum and tell him you are considering divorce - if he is going through the motions and ignoring reality it may give him the push back to life. There have been times I have been at a crossroads with my partner (particularly when he was a freelancer with intermittent work during the recession) and I have told him I can’t cope with anymore so it has to change or we split up. He has taken it on board (retrained and got a new job) - sometimes we all get into a rut but if he is unwilling to talk about it or make any lasting changes I think you might need to follow through for your own mental health. There is no way you should be paying for everything while he pays the majority of his salary in maintenance, he needs to get the amount amended and contribute towards your child and household, see if there is a course or anything that could boost his employment prospects or just get his confidence back to get a new job.

Having read all your updates, it sounds as though your marriage is headed towards divorce no matter what you do or don't do. He's not taking things seriously, and is minimising things. He wants the SC to go on the holiday so he doesn't have to be alone with you. That probably sounds harsh.
I would have the difficult conversation around last chance saloon now and set the things in motion to separate.
Then your lovely holiday that you've won can be the start of a new chapter in your life.

But it is for the sake of all of his kids. If they split up his kids won’t have any holidays or any maintenance paid. Sounds like OP is running around paying for and caring for everyone else and just wants this one thing for her. Hardly selfish.

Yanbu. Clearly he cannot afford to take his 3 older DC abroad. That's life sometimes. I couldn't afford to take 4 kids abroad either.

And while I take your point about why you want to go with him, I'd still be tempted to go instead with a friend or relative.

Women on mumsnet absolutely adore sticking the boot into stepmothers. Apparently it is our fault the parents couldn’t maintain their relationship and our responsibility to alleviate the pain of parental separation by martyring ourselves and putting someone else’s children’s needs above our own children. Never mind that if their actual parents stepped up to the job of parenting there wouldn’t be a need for us to post on mumsnet in the first place…

The problem with marrying someone based on their salary is that it's never guaranteed that salary will go up or even remain the same. People lose their jobs for a huge range of reasons both in and out of their control. If you wouldn't want to be with someone in the worst case scenario and if you would resent supporting them, they're not someone you should marry.

I realise that's not helpful in retrospect but the next best thing is to end the marriage.

If DH can't afford to take the children on a short break then the two of you can't afford to pay for two extra flights on this holiday that you've won either. Sounds as if either the three of you go together, or you go with friends and DH and DC stay at home. It's just not an option taking his children abroad.

OP, these are his children and not taking them will more than likely cause friction.

Just go with you and a friend and seriously reconsider this marriage. It's dead at this point

Yes, this is definitely one of the threads where a stepmum klaxon went off!

I think sadly your relationship challenges are not uncommon op. I don’t think any of us really understand how bloomin difficult being a step mum is until is happens. Of course you think it will all work out, everyone will get on etc, because you want to make the relationship work with the then-new man. The cold light of day years later is very different. For what it’s worth I too feel very sorry for the step kids here. Both their parents have newer shiny kids with newer partners and they are frankly a therapists dream waiting to happen.
I do feel your anger, hurt etc too - it’s all very well for me to say, don’t have kids with men who already have them (I’ve been a step mum twice but don’t have my own - not through choice, but looking back, defo the right thing) it’s too late for that and we all live and learn. FWIW, I think this marriage is likely over. I’d try and keep the relationship with the step kids cordial, they are your kids half-siblings after all, but I’d call it a day with the husband. You really do sound at the end of your tether and he doesn’t seem to be listening or caring. Go on the holiday with a friend and have a serious think about the future, while he does the same at home.

OP - go on the holiday, just you and your toddler or bring a friend. If your DH does go and your SC don’t come, he’ll just mope around all the time, make you feel guilty both before, after and during for not bringing your SC.

And no matter the size of the family room, you’ll have the most miserable time in that room with 2 adults, a toddler and three children. It will be a total disaster with no-one getting any sleep.

You’re subsidising your DH and his three children, paying for everything, working 60 hours a week to keep everything afloat - you need and deserve this break, the way you want it.

From what you write, it does sound as if you would be happier (and more financially secure) if you separate from your DH.

And no matter the size of the family room, you’ll have the most miserable time in that room with 2 adults, a toddler and three children. It will be a total disaster with no-one getting any sleep

Agree. I've done the one room thing and it can work if everyone is on the the same page and timetable. But with DC of that age spread it's asking for trouble.