AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

She shouldn’t have married someone with three children then.

I think a lot of people are missing the point here, the OP is at breaking point with her marriage, if the marriage is to continue she needs to reset with her husband and have time alone.

Given the circumstances I think leaving the step-children at home makes perfect sense. As it stands the holiday is for two adults, 2 children, the step-children don’t have to know that the accommodation could be changed to accommodate them. All they need to know is that they won a prize for a holiday for the OP, her husband and the toddler. Also assuming the holiday is taken during term time the children couldn’t go anyway because of school. They are going camping later in the year and I’m sure they’ll love that.

Things sound incredibly hard generally for you OP and in this instance you have to look at the bigger picture, rather than the short term (step missing out on 1 holiday) and if this is the only slim chance you have to be able to save your marriage you have to prioritise that. Hopefully if you explain things bluntly to your husband, lay it on the line he will understand that.

It sounds like this is the final straw for you - your DH potentially ruining the only good thing that has happened for you lately.

He has two choices:

1. Come on the holiday with you and your toddler
2. Stay at home with the SC

Simple as that. I think you should also look at separating - he needs to move out to understand the reality of his financial situation. You can't bankroll him when he is making stupid decisions with the money he does earn ie keeping his maintenance payments at the same level. It would be fine if it didn't impact on your and your dc but it does - there should be a middle-ground. Step away - to save your sanity and protect yourself from being cast as the evil step-mother. I wish you all the best - you sound so hurt and on the edge. This is too much on you and I really hope you find the strength to understand that giving up on this relationship is the best thing you can do in this situation...he's dragging you down with him.

YABU. Would you consider leaving your toddler behind? If not, why should your husband consider leaving his kids behind.

To be honest I mostly agree with you, but you really seem to hate your DH and SC so you’d probably be much happier if you actually followed through with the divorce threats.

There's several different issues at play here.

On the face of it, I can see why your DH doesn't want to leave any of his 4 children behind. Because he does have 4 children, even if you don't, and he wants to at least try to treat them all fairly. That's a good thing, it's what all parents should try to do. However, in this situation he can't afford the cost, so in that case neither he or his 3 older children should go on the holiday. It's not fair for you to say that he should prioritise you and the toddler over his 3 older children. You should go on the holiday either with just your toddler, or with a friend/relative.

Then there's the issue of your marriage and your finances. If you feel that your DH genuinely isn't pulling his weight, and you've tried counselling, then perhaps it is better that you divorce. But this is a totally separate issue to the holiday. You are muddling the two issues, due to the resentment you (understandably) feel towards your DH.

Another thread bashing step mums. Yawn

She is taking her SC on holiday with them as a family later in the year.

I think the mum is actually the one at fault here - she's taking her new kids and new partner on holiday and dumping the older kids with their dad and stepmum. That's going to be much more damaging for the kids than not going on one holiday with their dad (who isn't the resident parent) and stepmum.

I don’t think the OP hates her step-children at all. Why does it all have to be so black and white?

Agree

Their own mum always goes on holiday without them so I'm not sure why you are so horrified at their step-mum wanting to do the same.

Yikes. OP this is not about the holiday or the step children. This is about your DH completely going back on any assurances and promises about supporting his family financially. I truly think a week away with a friend and your toddler would allow you to have some breathing space and think about whether divorce is seriously on the cards. A holiday with DH is not actually going to sort this. You need some time apart to be with yourself and have a good hard think about this.

Bottom line he cannot afford for SC to be added to this. You have not chosen to book a holiday without SC, you have been given a free holiday which cannot accommodate them. Their own mum goes abroad without them, so you taking one holiday without them is not unreasonable or unfair. You will do something (camping) specifically with them to make up for it.

They are old enough to understand it was a given free holiday that cannot be changed and only includes X number of spaces, with no spare money for additional activities/food/etc if they were to go with you.

You are currently paying for everything as DH isn’t working, hasn’t been for a minute. Everything is on you. You have been given a free holiday. You absolutely deserve a break and your relationship clearly needs some focus right now.

Ignore everyone else and put your foot down on these issues.

This.

I'd leave the toddler with DH and go by myself !

Have you contacted the organisers of this holiday to find out whether it is even possible to take 'add-ons'? Usually these kind of breaks are set in stone and can't be altered, the dates will be set, the flights will be set (and may not even be from an airport accessible to you).
We once won one but had to fly from Heathrow - we live in the North and the cost of travelling from here to the airport plus overnight accommodation for 2 nights for 2 adults and 2 kids (and again on the way home) made it financially impossible as we were hard up.

Their own mum always goes on holiday without them so I'm not sure why you are so horrified at their step-mum wanting to do the same

It's fine for their step-mum to go on holiday without them. But it's not fine for their dad to go away with just one of his children. That's the difference in this situation. It's better if the OP goes away with just the toddler, and perhaps a friend.

Good point.

Looking at the whole picture the OP is willing to talk and address the problems going on in her life with her DH and all their children. However the full responsibility for his children lies with him - she is bearing all the other costs to maintain the stability of their own shared home.
He wants to add to the debt load by adding children to the holiday which is beyond his means as he is not meeting his obligations everywhere else. Sadly for his children his exDH has no concerns about leaving their kids while she swans off on holiday with her new family.
He's had enough time to find another job - granted he is earning but not enough so he either finds another job which will increase his income full time or he finds another job to supplement the job he has now.
The pressure the OP has been under for past 18 months has been immense and she is quite right to consider if there is any future in it if her DH is unwilling to improve his life and attitude. The holiday seems to be a catalyst right now and things could go either way but only if her DH would stop whingeing and whining and step up to the plate and act like he should be doing. If he is insistent that his DC go on the holiday then the OP should leave him at home with his DC and go with a friend and use the time away to really ponder on her future - with him or without him.

Nah fuck that
I'm usually all for treating sc's the same as your own but you've won that holiday why can't you go just you, dh and your dc when their own mother holidays with her dh and their children together without the shared dc.

Sounds like this could be the straw that breaks the camels back tbh

Agree with this.

There are clearly much bigger problems than the free holiday. Going on it with your DH isn't going to fix them. Take a friend with another toddler and have a lovely week away, and give yourself some breathing space from your marriage, too. You sound angry and stressed and it's not going to be improved by spending time with a DH who is resentful that you didn't pay to bring his other kids on holiday too.

Where on earth did OP say that? Do you mean that by marrying someone with children she has a legal obligation to include her step-children in absolutely everything she does? Or do you mean that, in your opinion, OP has a moral obligation to do this?

And you think it’s ok that this man is only working part-time and his salary covers maintenance and his phone bill, While his partner, the OP, is working a 60 hour week to pay the rent on their home - the home that his children spend a significant amount of time in, his partner pays all house hold bills, including costs relating to her SC. And now this man wants his partner to put flight costs for his three children on a credit card and pay extra for a larger room, not to mention extra daily costs during the holiday.

And you’re calling the OP a very selfish person because she just wants the holiday she won to be just for herself, her own child and her husband. And you think her husband shouldn’t go on those terms because why should he want to appease his wife selfish wife ?? His wife that is funding him, funding all his children and keeping the house afloat!

You must have very low standards for yourself and very little self-respect or esteem that you would allow a man, or any person, to treat you this way.

It sounds there are much bigger issues here - sorry OP.

I take my Hat off to stepparents as there’s no way I could take on 3 kids that weren’t mine no matter how much I loved their dad.

Can you take your mum on the holiday?

Him suggesting you take the other kids when he can’t even afford to pay rent is patently ridiculous. He doesn’t deserve a nice free holiday anyway!

We don't know why he lost his 100k job. I imagine it wasn't fully in control, and nor can a new 100k job be magicked up from thin air. Losing one's job is a devastating setback that will put most people at rock bottom; characterising it as "going back on his promises" is out of order.