AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

They are yours! They’re your step children.

It was wrong of you to marry a man with children if you were unable to enthusiastically embrace them as part of your own family.

God forbid something happened to their mother tomorrow they would be with you and your husband full time.

This thread is really really sad.

@InWalksBarberalla totally ucalled for. It's pounds not $, the entire internet is not composed of Americans. And OP is a lawyer with her own brain and money. But nice internalised misogyny there.

So
You would gladly be around 3 bratty kids?

OP, go with your gut and your best friend.
You need the holiday more than him.

Plenty of people go on holiday with only some of their kids. If my toddler slept from 6 on I probably would too. But if they're SC it's pure evil, apparently.

Sometimes, you just have to work with what you have. What you have is a free holiday for two adults and two children. You can't afford to upgrade or pay for extra flights and holiday insurance. Then there are likely to be extra costs with spending money, excursions etc (and that's assuming that they all already have suitable clothes). Since you have a free holiday for the three of you, you should take it. In an ideal world, your husband would see it as the opportunity it is for you to reconnect and talk through your problems. It's sad that his only thought is that you should spend money you don't have in order to make this what he thinks it should be.

Either way, I think this holiday will determine the future of your marriage. If you go together, you will either work out your differences or see that it is not possible. If you go without him, you will be away from him for long enough to think about how living apart from him might feel.

Sounds like a DH problem. If he wants to take the SC so badly, why is he not working 60 hour weeks to fund it?

I've got 3 kids and would leave the eldest 2 at home for a lovely relaxing holiday if possible.

Holiday with 4 children crammed in one room sounds horrid- I'd rather stay at home on my own.

You've won a lovely holiday but DH is trying to turn it into a family obligation. And he can't even afford it anyway.

Don't miss out or not give your own child the experience just because you feel obligated to take them. Take a friend, and reconsider this relationship. Is it really worth all this being with him.?

Am I on the same thread here?
I am reading posts from a woman who sounds completely burned out and overwhelmed with everything landing on her shoulders. Who desperately needs a break and wants to try to put her marriage back on track. A week in a family room with 4 kids, three of whom aren't hers and two of those are at the puberty/preteen hell stage sounds grim under the best of circumstances, let alone when you are exhausted.

It makes zero sense when the household is struggling to add to their problems by running up credit card debt.

Take the toddler, tell him he is welcome to join you if he wants but you will not be paying for his children on this occasion. Maybe in future, if you can sort your marriage out, and be sorts his financial problems out, it will be an option. Get him to start realising that this is not about the holiday, this is about something far bigger.

So their Mum has new kids, and takes them away and leaves them behind, and now you and your Husband have a new kid, and you ALSO want to go away and leave them behind?!!

That is fucking appalling. My heart breaks for them.

She married a man with three kids, this is what she signed up for!!

I feel for you OP.

You need a break.

Either DH accepts that you go on this holiday with him and your shared DC (gracefully, without bitching and moaning that your DSC can't come this time) or you walk away. It sounds like he isn't pulling his weight at all and then being unrealistic and ungrateful to boot.

If the only thing preventing you from divorcing is this holiday then you’ve got bigger problems.
I’m reading this that you’re very resentful of DH because you don’t feel he’s pulling his weight financially and that all the pressure is on you. That may well be correct, but it’s a problem you have with him, his children aren’t to blame. I think some straight talking needs to be done before you go on holiday, because all this will be waiting for you when you get back.

Oh look someone hasn't read the full thread . If you had you would see how much the op does for her step children and how under appreciated she is. She's deserves a holiday without referring someone else's children

This seems to be one of those posts where the op only wants to be told they are right.

@ThatsCute I have only read your posts, go on the holiday with or without your DH, the SC don’t need to go but you do. It sounds like you are at breaking point and you need to relax and think about how you want to go forward.

Having just written the above, why not go with a friend and have some space to reflect and think.
You are carrying a lot, none of us are in your shoes and it is very easy to judge from the outside (my God, mumsnet is one of the most judgmental places on the internet).

No they are not, they are her step children

I've read the full thread, her contempt for her step children is revolting no matter what the circumstances. If the OP thinks a holiday is going to save her marriage she's deluded. Perhaps women should start using their brains before committing to men who already have children.

It's your choice because you won but if you're not going to include your husband's children you should take a friend instead. It would be quite hurtful to your step children for their dad to leave them out.
You wouldn't like it if your own child had a step mother who didn't want to include them - all young children sulk and fight, yours will too one day.

OP this is a classic situation of putting your own oxygen mask on first.

There is no way you should be taking more debt on to take the SC

I'm all up for equity across houses.

Judging by the background you have shared you are executing on that by doing exactly what your DH ex does.

Honestly some of the answers on here are batshit.

Tell him it's you 3 going in your own or he isn't going at all and you are taking a friend.

End of.

I mostly feel sorry for the SC who are being given the message that they're not wanted from all directions, except their father.

I don't think the OP going on this holiday with her husband will repair their marriage. It seems broken beyond repair anyway, given the contempt for him in her posts (now that he's not earning 100k a year), and if he leaves his kids behind it'll just be yet another bone of contention. Divorce already and stop dragging out the toxicity.

I fully understand not wanting to be a stepmum or have responsibility towards someone else's kids. I wouldn't want to do it myself. It was pretty easy to avoid though - by not getting into relationships with men who had kids.

Nah, she's intitled to feel how she wants

Yes in a way, as he could easily afford to cover all his and his children’s costs and afford another. I earn similar. I would not have had a child with someone who couldn’t afford it.

Since having our child he’s stopped paying for any of his children, except for maintenance. So him wanting me to go into debt to finance a holiday for his kids that I won’t enjoy, when he’s not even paying for their basic needs, is absolutely absurd and I’m not doing it.

Sometimes adults have to put their own feelings aside when it comes to children, that's part of being an adult.