AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

This holiday is the least of your concerns. Go with your mum / a friend, take your toddler with you and then start working on a divorce when you get home.

You sound extremely unhappy.

Purely from a practical financial perspective, it's probably not practical to take the SC. The OP isn't just asking you to upgrade the room to one with extra beds. It's an all-inclusive holiday, so adding three kids will not be cheap.

Just focus on that - the DH can't afford to take the SCs. That's not the OPs fault.

So looking at this from SC’s POV, they will have two sets of parents who go overseas with the “new” children. They won’t understand the adult intricacies—they will only see it from their POV, which is understandably very hurtful. Childhood memories are being made.

They will be unaware that you’re keeping their father afloat.

If he wants to take dc then he should be paying for them not making you split the costs. Why the hell are you paying off his debts? He sounds a catch 😫
I would take your mum along instead or perhaps a friend with their child.

I'm always on the step kids side, but I think you are being perfectly reasonable here as a one off with special circumstances.

Your DH is the problem here, he is responsible for financially providing for HIS children, and he isn't able to do that right now, he can't afford to add them to this holiday so the answer is no it's not going to happen.

Honestly OP I would go on this holiday just you and toddler, have a nice quiet time and re-evaluate your whole relationship with him, everything happens for a reason and there may be a reason you have won this holiday.

You might not even be able to change it, sometimes these competitions say you can’t amend the prize at all.

In the circumstances I would not take the SC. You should for normal holidays though.

My initial response was:
Your contempt for your sc really shows. The fact they are difficult is neither here nor there - they are your dh's children and therefore should be treated as part of the family. Kids are difficult full stop.

Take them or don't but I really hope the children don't pick up on your dislike of them.

I don't understand why people like you have children with men who already have a family.

Bit after reading your updates I've changed that to:
You have a DH problem. This isn't really about the sc at all. He sounds crap and I'm not surprised you're pissed off.

Oh look, step children being treated as an inconvenience once someone's 'real' children come along. What a suprise.

YANBU Take yourself and your child. You need time away from him.

You said earlier that you’re subsidising his mortgage payment to enable him to pay that previous child maintenance figure. Why?

@Cakeandcardio picking her favourite child? Doesn't the Op only have one child? Am I missing something?

Don’t see a problem in you going with husband and toddler. It’s not as if the stepchildren live with you and since their Mum does it they won’t be upset if you do since they’ll see it as the norm especially since you have done holidays with them and left the toddler. The reality is that some holidays suit different age groups and this one sounds better for the toddler and may help your marriage. Madness to max out your credit card when you are trying to clear debts

Is he trying to play the big man with your money? Maintenance not changed and now wanting to run up your credit card debt whilst you work your fingers to the bone to pay off his debts. I think after 18 months I’d also be throwing in the towel with him. And so what if he lies about the reason for splitting if that’s what you decide to do. The only person’s behaviour you can control is your own.

Op I would take DC alone or with a different adult, not your "d"h.

I think OP is getting a really tough time here- reading through the posts I can almost see why she doesn’t want to put herself in debt to take the children away, especially as she is already paying for everything, would be a different story if the kids were included and you just didn’t want to take them. What would your husband do if you weren’t picking up the slack, it’s also not your fault their mum doesn’t take them away or their dad tbh, you sound like you want a divorce op and I absolutely don’t blame you. I would do as others have said take a friend and their child or your mum and have a lovely break without your dh x

You really sound like you have reached your limit. Perhaps some space going on holiday with a friend would be better to give you the time and clarity you need.
I don’t think you are unreasonable going without your step children, but that seems a small part of the issue here anyway. It seems your husband is willing to sacrifice you for himself and his children in all aspects of life. Just because he has other children does not mean his opinion matters more. Stop carrying him/them. That’s his job

According to some on here, their mum must hate them too for going on holiday without them!

@Whatsitreallylike Look, you’ve asked if it’s unreasonable to exclude SC from a family holiday. In my opinion, it is. Would you leave your now toddler at home to take your second family on holiday? Probably not. The SC mother does it apparently, but I think it’s pretty shitty.

She has done exactly that. She has taken her SC away and left her own child her parents. She's not some heartless troll. She is just also looking after her own wellbeing.

This, I wouldn't ever take on someone else's kids. Look at what issues you have to deal with. I don't think any man is worth that much if it means his kids. That being said I wouldn't want a once in a lifetime trip to be spoiled by bratty kids. They will still get a holiday so no I wouldn't take them.

If I were you I would stick to my guns. Tell him you would love him to come with you and the toddler but if he decides not to then that's fine. It's his decision.
You cannot afford to take the stepchildren. If you are financially struggling there is no way on earth you should get in further debt for a holiday. Especially one that sounds like a nightmare (teenagers sharing a room with parents - just shouldn't happen)
For all those preaching about evil stepmothers deliberately excluding stepchildren, do you not understand that the holiday wasn't planned or affordable? It's a lovely prize. The OP has already booked a (and paid for) a holiday for the whole family. There was no deliberate exclusion.
The OP has won an amazing prize. It sounds like it has come at the right time. A rest and time to think will enable her to see her future more clearly.

Was it the $100k job that made this man with 3 children seem like a good candidate to start a family with?

In your position, I’d just go with your toddler & enjoy a well earned break.

If you're taking all the kids away later in the year, I think it's fine to do this one just the three of you. I'm from a 'blended family' (oldest of five to various different parents) and didn't expect to be included on every single holiday. It was a bit galling that I was never included on any of the big trips to Africa or Australia, only the cheap close to home ones, but that's what's not happening here anyway.

So the SC are well aware that dynamics change - if mum goes on holiday with her new partner and their joint children then dad is just doing the same. It's not as though they don't get a holiday at all.

Could you just tell them that the circumstances of the holiday prize mean that no changes can be made and that it's either 1 SC goes or none and none is the fairest option.

Honestly OP, you sound (justifiably) at the end of your tether. You need this holiday and of course you want your toddler with you. Tell DH it's either the 3 of you or just you and toddler (and a friend if you wish).

Women are often criticised for being martyrs and not putting on their own oxygen mask first etc. Your SC are part of your family but they have 2 full-parents whose responsibility is to look after them. Sometimes it's okay to put your needs first. Clearly your DH does not prioritise you in any way so you must take care of yourself. Enjoy your holiday and leave any guilt at home!

Fuck me, just get a divorce and you'll be rid of them.

Your contempt for them drips from every word. Poor kids.