AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

I think at this stage you should probably just go away with DH and your toddler as I’m not sure if you’re genuinely looking for advice? There are so many other things at play but if you want to fixate on this holiday then you might as well do what you want to do.

Go and enjoy it with her. With or without him. If it’s about fairness you said they had holidays like that with him and you pre children and his job loss. This is a lovely opportunity to have a toddler focussed holiday and some evening adult time.

I don’t think I’d want to go with anyone else because I’m so exhausted that I don’t want to have to keep up conversations or talk about divorcing. I’d rather share the bed with DD and get as much sleep as possible.

My friends are in couples with kids (and I don’t particularly want to share a hotel room with anyone else’s kid) or single and childless (and don’t particularly want to share a room with my kid) anyway.

I am usually the first to say that if you choose to marry a man with children, you will never be able to play happy families 'just you'. But here people are missing the point. OP does not wish to move heaven and Earth to make sure the SC come on the holiday because frankly, their behaviour is appalling. They are spoilt, sulky, rude and this is not inductive to a happy and relaxing holiday. That is their parents' fault. If they were nice, well mannered kids, maybe it would be worth the debt they would rack up to add them. But they are not.

I think you're in such a difficult situation with the weight of the world on your shoulders and now being asked to pay to fix a problem you don't even want. I don't think that's anything wrong with enjoying a windfall holiday with just your child and husband without his other children coming along.

Your step children's mother takes holidays with her partner and their children without your step children, why can't you do the same? I'm assuming she has booked her holidays knowing your step children would be safely looked after by their dad and you were she was away. You should have the same opportunities, knowing they'll be looked after by their mother. You have a family camping holiday booked with all of them too, so you still get to spend holiday time away time as a family. It would be cruel to only go on holiday with your husband and daughter, but that doesn't sound like what is happening here.

Your justifiable resentment of having to shoulder the financial burden is very clear though, and that is poison to a relationship. I'd worry that your husband had become comfortable with you supporting him and his responsibilities, what would happen if you drew a line and said you will no longer be paying his portion of the rent or bills? I'm all for supporting each other in times of stress and need, but two years not working and expecting you to cover the shortfall is wildly selfish and irresponsible. I hope he realises this before it's too late.

Wah yo go and make the older child feel like he isn't important at all

Go you

No wonder step parents get a bad rep

Your situation sounds shit, I fully understand your frustration.
Go with the toddler on your own, dump the waste of space husband. He is bringing nothing to the table but stress and bullshit, he's taking the piss.

A family room with 3 teens and a toddler? No thank you. That would be a nightmare, even if they were yours and perfectly behaved! That would not be a holiday for you.
Tell DH you’ve won it, it’s your holiday and you’d like to chill. So can he look after the DC while you go with a friend . Alternatively, he can come with you , with or without the toddler ( if you have anyone to leave the toddler with) but you are not taking squabbling teens with you.
If he’d won the holiday, and it included space for all the dc, that would be different, but why should you give up your prize so that he doesn’t feel guilty?

This holiday prize is the canary in the mine of your marriage.

You are sick of subsidising him. You've lost respect for him. He keeps taking.

It sounds like you're done. Take your toddler away by yourself and start thinking about your future.

Ha! You didn’t even read the OP’s first post properly. There are three SC’s and not one.

These SC’s that obviously the OP does care about, given it’s exclusively her that pays the rent on the house that her SC live in when they visit their Dad, along with all other costs.

From your update I would just go on your own with your daughter.

Are you ok? 🙈 You seem very disproportionately invested in a comment you don’t agree with/don’t feel is relevant. We are all here for a discussion and I felt my thoughts were relevant as I feel the OPs comments (despite having invested financially in her DH and stepchildren) sound as though they are vague acquaintances who it wouldn’t matter if she never saw again post-divorce. This is in keeping with what I see on other MN threads around step parenting. If you don’t agree or you feel my thoughts are irrelevant to the thread then I respect that but see no point in continuing to discuss it.

God what a nightmare.

I agree with your last post, go by yourself with DD. Enjoy your time together and the lovely weather. Don't throw any more money at this man.

I am sympathetic to his mental health issues, being unemployed dents your pride etc etc but the way out of that hole is not putting your partner in debt to support a lifestyle beyond your means!

Yes the SC are/will suffer but ultimately I think we'd all put our own children's needs first.

OP, go on the holiday with your toddler, get some sleep and relaxation and don't be guilted by the man baby and his ex. Sick of these threads where step mothers are supposed to step up and make up for the inadequate - frankly shitty - behaviour and circumstances of the biological parents. Step parents are meant to compliment the biological parents, resulting in a situation where the SC benefit from having a third, committed parent. Here, there's only one responsible parent, and that's OP, the step mother. The cheating, jobless biological mother who leaves her eldest children behind while she plays happy families with her new kids and partner, and her jobless, hopeless ex who won't financially support his youngest child and his household, resulting in a massive strain on his new marriage, are the ones letting the OP's SC down, not the OP.

Looking at all of your responses OP I would say you're not being unreasonable at all. You're already financing your husband and his kids why should you put yourself in more debt for them when he clearly brings nothing to the table. You've won a holiday for a certain amount of people to go on it's unreasonable of him to ask you to upgrade it when he's contributing nothing financially for his own kids or your household let alone paying for holidays. Does he have these conversations with his ex when she pisses off on holidays with her new kids and leaves his at yours?I bet he doesn't. I'd tell him if he's that bothered he can stay home and you take this holiday with your little one and maybe a friend with a child the same age as yours so the kids can play together and you'll have some adult company for yourself once the kids are sleeping in the evenings

I feel sorry for you in this situation. It sounds incredibly stressful. I don’t know what to advise except that I think that avoiding debt wherever possible is sensible. I really wouldn’t be putting extra on a credit card - to me, that practical consideration makes the decision in that not all the children can go. Whether that means that one goes, or none, or you go with your toddler and a friend, I don’t know. In practical terms, you simply cannot afford it. I don’t buy the bad step-mum narrative either, given how you are supporting the family. For others on the thread who always managed to include step-children, well done them, but don’t judge another until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Maybe their circumstances were different to yours or maybe some simply sacrificed their own welfare. This isn’t a simple decision where all children can easily be involved. Obviously ideally all children would be included but this situation has multiple factors which mean it is far from ideal. Given the strain you are under, maybe give yourself, your toddler and a friend the break. It will at least give you some headspace.

I think it's fine to say no to sdc coming especially given it's your cc it would go on. If your dh doesn't want to go you could either go alone with your dd or take a friend or family member

I am sorry that with everything you are already doing, and appearing to be at the end of your tether, you are getting such a hard time from some posters.

The voting is currently showing 76% think YANBE, so please keep that in mind.

It does sound like just you and your DC should holiday together. It’s a shame that you can’t have adult time with your DH, but there is no reason for your DC to miss out by you just going with DH, which has also been suggested. Going just with DH seems to be the worse compromise as all the children will miss out then.

YANBU YANBU YANBU

This wasn't a planned holiday with the intention of leaving SC out. It was a bonus surprise. And you get to choose who is part of it. I think SC are old enough to understand it's your prize and they can't all go as there's not enough space. Rather than choose between them, you'll sadly have to say no to all.

It seems quite unfair the mum goes on holiday without the DC from her first marriage but you don't.

What??????

YANBU YANBU YANBU

if he digs his heels in, take a friend and your toddler and have a lovely time!

I've just read all your posts as I could only scan through earlier.

Best option is to go on your own with your DD, maybe invite your mum if things are good there and you can actually relax around her, if not, just you and DD is fine.

Your DH is really taking the piss here and I think you know, deep down, where you're heading with him.

Give the notice on the rented house, give your flat tenants notice that their contract won't be renewed and get back there and make it a lovely peaceful home for you and DD. It will be difficult on your own at first, but in the long run, it will be better for you and DD.

I really do hope this year gets better for you.

Oh and enjoy the well deserved holiday that you won!!

This

YANBU OP. You have worked so hard to make a lovely family home and provide for everyone. Sadly your DH is not keeping on top of his responsibilities and it's all falling to you, including providing for his kids. I can only imagine how resentful you feel that you have had some luck and won a holiday, and thinks it's his right to ask for more - to expect you to pay extra for his kids to come.

I'm sure things would be different if he parented more successfully, and if he had made more effort to contribute financially. But he hasn't, so in your situation I would feel the same.

You deserve a holiday with your DD. If DH doesn't want to come, it is his loss. I don't blame you at all for checking out of the marriage.