AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

It isn't really about the holiday. It's the relationship with the DH. He's been taking the piss for a long time and it's bred resentment.

Tbh you're better off divorcing him. But you could tell him very clearly you're already subbing his child maintenance payments and everything else, you won't be getting into debt to take his kids on holiday. They can come if HE gets a job, contributes to household finances as an equal partner and can fund their part himself. It's his fault they can't come because he isn't providing for his own kids. OP is.

You should go with your toddler and enjoy some peace.

100% THIS!

OP - you are going above and beyond - how is it OK for the SC's Mum to go on holiday for a break leaving the SC and her second lot of children - but not OK for just you and your toddler to go? DH can hardly parent SC let alone look after the toddler so toddler needs to go anyway.

Why is it your problem to provide for SC when their biological parents are jobless wasters? I do not hear of desperate efforts by DH in your post to get a job. He is happy to leave it all to you. You cut your maternity leave short to pay for the SC - their parents should have stepped up. You lost precious mat leave time with your DD for what? I do not say this to upset you but to galvanise you to not lose out on what is best for you and DD in future- like this holiday!! You and DD go. PUT YOURSELF FIRST FOR ONCE. Your DH and his Ex wife do! Take a leaf from their book.

Right now you are suffering, your DD will suffer when she is older and realises Mum is stressed, tired and working long hours to pay for 3 other children whose own parents cannot be arsed to provide for them! You as SM are a complement to the Mum and Dad - who should be doing the heavy lifting.

Set yourself free and enjoy a proper life with your DD. So what if SC, their Mum and Dad blame you for leaving - maybe it will be the impetus for their parents to get jobs instead of watching you run yourself into the ground paying for their children.

Just nuts that your DH is not desperate to get a job and contribute or even at least take on all the mental load and parent properly the 4 children whilst you work. So you are paying for 6 of you - instead of just the 2 of you (you and DD).

100% with you OP - no need to justify yourself on this thread to the haters - it is an emotive topic and no doubt triggering for some PPs due to their personal circumstances/ experiences of the topic. Which are PPs problem and not yours.

It’s threads like this that remind me to put my marriage first, and fight to keep my family together if necessary. Because if my kids ended up with a stepmum like this, I’d be gutted. Seriously, the ‘othering’ of the step-children is vile. They’re children. They’ve got a sh!t deal anyway with separated parents. No, the parents’ choices aren’t your responsibility. But you clearly don’t like them much, let alone care for them like children of your family. You wouldn’t even consider leaving g your bio child behind. And call me old fashioned, but me and my husband share everything and build our life together - if one of us wins a holiday, WE win a holiday. Hotels like the one you’ve described have tonnes of free activities for older children. They’ll want to have fun in the pool with you and your husband. If anything, your toddler will be the hardest work. You’re just looking for a get out.
I was a step kid, and believe me, we know when our step-parents aren’t keen on us. It has a lasting impact. If you’re not prepared to treat all the children the same, then please leave your husband and set them all free. Children don’t need stuff. They need the parent figures in their lives to love them and treat them the same as their half-sibling.

What a horrible situation. You should definitely put your own daughter first. If you do decide to go on holiday without DH then make sure you lock away all your valuables/paperwork whilst you are gone.
It's not up to you to subsidise your step family.

I would go alone with my daughter in your position. I wouldn't care about anyone else as nobody seems to consider you. Your girl won't be little for long and it sounds like you've had to sacrifice time with her for the sake of the family.

I would struggle with the idea that the useless husband and his (three!) dependents were draining my hard earned resources that would otherwise go to my child’s future. It’s a tough world out there now and any financial uplift for house deposit etc will be of amazing benefit to your child. But you’re subsidising other people’s kids instead.

Let’s be honest, this holiday is going to suck no matter whether it’s just DH or the whole gang. Should you have to pay for them all to come, no I don’t think so. If they go it’s also no break at all for you, and you will resent it the whole time. If they don’t go, your DH will be stressed and resentful over that. Whatever the case, it doesn’t sound to me like a holiday can help much with the issues in your marriage. It might just turn up the pressure to be ‘make or break’ and end up highlighting your problems.

I think if were you I would either not go, or just go with your DD and maybe a relative or friend. Then deal with the marriage situation separately.

Set them all free? What rubbish! It's the OP who is trapped, not them. They are all freeloading off her and giving her nothing back, be that love, support or basic decent behaviour. The people letting those children down is their biological parents. The biological mother doesn't even treat all her children the same, taking her younger children with her new partner abroad and leaving the older ones behind. And won't get a job to give her eldest those experiences. And neither does the biological father, who works the bare minimum to pay for his 3 eldest children, but pays nothing towards his youngest child or the roof over all their heads. That's all on the OP. Why are you holding her to a far higher standard wrt her SC than the biological parents of those children?

Children don’t “freeload”. And they’re not supposed to “give anything back”. I don’t care if that’s what her husband is doing - I’m sticking up for the kids here. Nowhere did I say the bio parents are doing a good job and I haven’t held OP to any standard, other than decency. But I’ll clarify - bio mum sounds like a crap mum, leaving her kids to go on holiday. Dad sounds depressed and struggling. All that aside, OP is ‘othering’ her step-children and treating them differently to her bio child, who she wouldn’t consider leaving home, but expects her husband to heave his other 3 children home. Double standards.

If the dad won’t do what is right by his kids and get a job to support them I really don’t know why you are expected to do it all and are getting such a hard time here. I would tell your husband the relationship is over and go on the holiday with your DD to get a break while he works out what he wants to do next. Make the arrangements to go back to your place as soon as you can and let DH and his ex work out the best thing for THEIR children in his new circumstances.

This could be all being debated for no reason as they may not even allow this. Most competitions have t&as which outline options and a lot dont really allow for amendments. So before you even worry, I would look as its likely not even an option.

How is your DH going to pay for the larger family room, the additional all-inclusive costs, and presumably their flights? Bottom line is that he can't unless he puts it all on a credit card that you'll have to pay off. In addition to you subsidizing his CMS payments, paying all the household bills and helping him with his debts.

It's not a case of leaving them out, you simply don't have the money. If you'd won an all-inclusive holiday for six, great, but you didn't. I don't see a way around this.

@BalaconBalonz "You cut your maternity leave short to pay for the SC - their parents should have stepped up. You lost precious mat leave time with your DD for what? "

Yes - this was what shocked and upset me.

⬆️ this. You should treat them all the same. Why wouldn’t they like a beach holiday? Presumably there’ll be a pool and the sea, it should be fun for them. You’re just making excuses for them not to go.

for those asking why the Op doesn't take the step children, I hope you all noticed that the mother doesn't take them either !!! and they are not step children to the mother...

On the basis of everything you’ve said, I think you are justified. Family rooms are not designed for 4 dc, they you will be on top of each other. The problem is you want to go away to repair your marriage however this issue is causing further conflict. We take out step dc away and I only do it as we go away a few times a year without them. I don’t usually class it as a holiday as the the whole time is based around them and my dp does everything to please them ( which is ok as he doesn’t have them all the time).

The kids are old enough to be expected to give back, sorry, but this attitude is the reason so many children are nightmares. Giving back respect and good behaviour and not whining and fighting when they are taken out is the bare minimum children of the ages of the SC should be expected to give back.

The father is a freeloader. The mother is a freeloader. The OP is propping up all their life's choices.

Did you read the OPs posts? She has left her child behind at home, when she took the SC camping. The father has left the youngest child at some to take the SC away on treat days. Is he othering his biological child? What about the mother, leaving her eldest to go away with the children of her affair partner. Is she "othering" her own children? Why are the husband and the ex allowed to "other" their own biological children; but the OP isn't allowed to have a break away with her child and away from step children who have 2 other parents (plus a step father) to look after them?

The OP's holiday is a prize. Which will not accommodate the SC unless someone pays for an upgrade (if that's even possible) and pays for them to have some activities so they don't whine and spoil the whole thing. Why should the OP, and not the biological parents, pay for them to come on her prize holiday? They have 10 days' camping planned which is going ahead regardless. She's hardly depriving them of a holiday, is she - unlike their own mother.

The OP wants to try to salvage her marriage through this holiday, which she can't with the SC there because there will be no breathing space. She's the one who keeps a rented roof over the heads of the husband and SC and paying for their current standard of living both directly and indirectly. How exactly is it better for the SC if she decides to divorce him and goes back to her flat, leaving him to deal with that financial burden on his own? Isn't it better for the SC if the OP has this holiday and is able to keep her marriage afloat off the back of it?

I do feel sorry for the step children though, their bio mum sounds awful tbh.

YANBU - It makes no sense to get into debt to go on holiday. Go with your baby have a great time and don't give any headspace to your DH or DSCs. It seems like you need the break.

Some on MN expect all step families to fit a narrow mold where the gold standard is women prostrating themselves for their step children.

They come as a package blah, blah, blah. The partner may come as a package but it doesn't meant the relationship with the children will be close and/or enduring. It's just a bonus if it is.

To tell you the truth, I think you're just done with the marriage and that the holiday issue is just a red herring. And that's not a 'slam'. A person can leave any relationship at any time for any reason, or no reason at all.

I don't blame you for thinking of divorce considering what's been happening in your marriage and your life for the last few years. He's not 'sharing the load' as a true partner in your marriage, at this point he's more of a millstone round your neck.

My opinion is, take DD and either go alone or go with a trusted friend or family member. Spend some of the time away thinking through what YOU really want. You don't have to be endlessly discussing it, just some quiet moments picturing the way your life might be if you divorced and how much you really want that as opposed to 'where you are now'.

IMHO going with your DH isn't going to 'save' your marriage, you have one foot out the door already. And if it isn't going to be the holiday 'issue' that's the straw that breaks your back, it will soon be something else.

Have you read the OP’s posts ?? When/if she leaves her husband, he won’t be able to afford a home in the area they live in and so won’t be able to have his children to stay and he won’t be able to pay some amount of maintenance to his ex. It won’t be her DH or SC that will be set free!

Given the children’s own mother goes on holiday with her partner and children from her new relationship and leaves these three children at home, I’m not quite sure why you’re reserving your viciousness for the OP.

Yes @MeanOrJustified take your little one and have a calm peaceful and relaxing holiday. You deserve it.

I can't get my head around everybody thinking an 8, 11 and 12 year old would not enjoy a beach holiday. I'd take them, being left out is where resentment starts.

.Maybe their dad could fund the necessary upgrade. Only he won't. Because he's a cocklodger.