AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Why don’t you take your daughter and a friend or family members instead of your husband if you think you’re heading for divorce?

This. Voted not unreasonable by mistake and can't seem to change

I don't see why toddler has to miss out on holidays if Mum earns a good wage but Dad doesn't and he has other children. Toddler has one parent who is decent but SC doesn't have any. Not the OPs problem.

So OP who works 60 hours a week and who actually entered and won the competition doesn't get to go on the holiday with her child, but her DH who only does a couple of delivery shifts a week gets to go with his three kids?

I bet OP would be absolutely delighted with that suggestion! You must be deluded if you think that she would agree to that.

If the SC would be into a beach holiday I'd say you were being unreasonable but as it's not their thing ty will hate it and so will you. That makes no sense

Did you miss the part where the OP said she pays the rent herself on the house the children live in when they are with their Dad and every other expense too?? Their Dad’s contributes absolutely nothing. He works a few hours up cover maintenance payments to his ex wife and to pay his phone bill.

YANBU to say it’s unaffordable to pay for two DC.

If your relationship is troubled with your H but you think there’s still hope an option could be to go as a couple for a shorter time, if you have someone you can leave DD with.

Toddlers on beach holidays can be shit and exhausting. That won’t help your relationship.

If the relationship is fucked leave DD with her father and go with a friend

If you take them, you’ll be full of resentment and it sounds like your marriage will be over.

If you don’t, he will be full of resentment and it sounds like your marriage will be over.

You can’t win either way, but I don’t think there’s much left to salvage here. I’d take a friend or two, enjoy your break and deal with the inevitable when you get home.

🐂💩

The dad has arrived.

A few people have said they think SC would enjoy the holiday. They genuinely wouldn’t unless we spent a lot more money, which we don’t have. They’re not swim in the sea / read a book / go on a walk kind of children. They want constant entertainment or they’re bored and fighting or complaining.

Maybe DD wouldn’t like it, but who knows as I haven’t been on any holidays like this with her. I would enjoy being there with her.

I have a teen and a toddler with DH. Both are ours and I am not going abroad this year due to it not being a holiday as both have such different needs. So I agree you should not go with the older children.

Have you ever had a good read of any other step parenting threads on here? The amount of posters who suggest almost total disengagement from the stepchildren is what’s ridiculous. I’d treat my neighbours kids better than how many on MN suggest treating step kids. Obviously I have no idea if the OP falls into this category, but the step parenting advice on here is often completely batshit was my point.

I can’t believe the flaming you’re getting OP.

Absolutely fuck that to taking his DC, you’ve propped them up enough financially as it is. Not that it is the fault of the SDC, but surely to god their 2 useless parents have enough brains to realise that it is not up to you to fund holidays abroad for them? It’s your prize, and you deserve to enjoy it as you choose to.

Stick to your guns. I honestly can’t see what the benefit of being in this relationship is for you.

Have you got a close mum friend with similar age toddler you could invite?

@MeanOrJustified you’re at the end of your tether, and understandably so, but if you want some actual advice about how to manage this situation / what’s reasonable

1. spending money you don’t have - totally reasonable to refuse to do that
2. Treating the children differently - a bit unreasonable, and is why so many posters are having a go at you

The obvious solution that meets everyone’s needs is to just go you and your husband. I get that you want the toddler to come but it would be a compromise - gives you the break you need and avoids the fundamentally different treatment for the children. Also gives you space to have the hard conversations about your relationship & see if your husband is able to work on things.

maybe your marriage will end after careful consideration, but don’t let it be in a fit of pique over something like this because you’re at the end of your tether with him.

Hello dad.
Of course the OP should forfeit her prize holiday so that husband, who needs to get himself a proper job and stop sponging, and his kids can benefit. What a selfish idea.

OP I feel for you. I really do. This isn’t about the holiday really. It’s about having so many people relying on you, who want a piece of you, and so little control. The goalposts have moved but you are still expected to play the same game.
You need to decide if you want to be with your DH anymore. If you don’t, you need to make decisions based on that. If you divorce, his children are not your responsibility. They have two parents. They might not be two great parents but that isn’t your problem either. You didn’t make them.
Look after yourself

@MeanOrJustified

For what it's worth, I completely get where you're coming from & don't think you deserve all the 'wicked stepmother' shite you're getting on here!

Is it appropriate for all of you to share one bedroom even if it is a family room ?
you and your ' d ' h will have no privacy at all !

and I suspect you would be charged for more than he realises - all to be stuck together in one room - 6 of you !!!
I think he is taking the piss suggesting his other children come, as he can't afford it.

You know what, if you’re going to constantly judge stepmothers for failing to ‘put the children first in all circumstances’ then yes you have to blame the parents for divorcing in the first place. Especially as in this case where the bio mum had an affair where presumably getting her end away was more important than the children OP now has to prioritise.

What a raw deal these SC have had from their own parents.
Nothing to do with OP at all, nothing for her to feel guilty about. She’s doing her best to create a home for them.
Sounds like both parents use her as a provider.
Imagine not working your wife works 60 hours a week and you want to put extra credit card debt on her?
Its OP’s life but I don’t think there is any future with this man.
Maybe on his own he’d get his act together.
Maybe…

Then it was even more batshit of you to make the neighbours kid claim. Which is what we're talking about here, in this thread. With an OP who's done vast amounts.

By all means start a thread yourself about all the other threads apparently are neighbours kids esque.

If you and your dh were getting along, I'd say leave the step kids and just take toddler. I have older kids and a toddler. We've taken toddler for long weekends to toddler places and left the teens. We've taken teens for a holiday and left the toddler. I don't see an issue with that side of things.

But, as you are not getting on and want a divorce, why waste a holiday on your dh? Go with your dc, with or without a friend or family member. Enjoy and decompress.

As an aside, don't long this relationship out, leave while it's still classed as a short marriage!

I'm not sure why you're getting such a hard time op!

I completely get where you are coming from, this was not the future your dh sold to you and you've reached your limit.

Having a partner but still having to pay from everything including his kids maintenance would totally enrage me and it sounds like you have lost all respect for him.

Go on the holiday with your daughter, just the 2 of you. It will give you space from everything else and you'll be able to think clearly about what you want your future to look like.

Hopefully when you get back, you'll decide to leave.