AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Interesting. I get a different vibe. One of yet another woman bending over backwards to try and juggle everything and please everyone, resulting in a working mum at the end of her tether.

What the. OP won this holiday and kindly wants to take DH. She can’t exactly leave her toddler behind and they can’t afford to get into debt to take the stepchildren. They can’t afford easily go during their time at their mum’s so it’s a non issue to me. They just have to explain it kindly. I think she should take someone else though TBH.

If you are a lawyer working a 60 hour week with a toddler in nursery and a relationship on the rocks you need a break and to spend a bit of quality time with your toddler.

If you don't get a break then you risk work and relationship burn out and that will be a disaster for everyone.

I think paying on your credit card to take the step children will just add to your high stress levels and to your resentment about what DH hasn't done since he lost his job.

I would either use the holiday as time out to think about your relationship and catch up on sleep or go with your DH to see if you can use the time to reset the relationship - that is in the interests of your SC as your posts come across as someone who is exhausted and has reached the end of their tether rather than a step-parent who is prioritising their child over their SC.

Coming back less tired and relaxed may help with your job and enable you to both take advantage of the marriage counselling you mentioned.

@MeanOrJustified I think you are justified, not mean. But also get the feeling your marriage is over. Are you sure you want to go on a holiday with him? Do you think a week in the sun will make any major changes to your relationship? Even if you have a good time your life back home won't change. You are working too hard for too many people. Wouldn't you be better off with dd in your appartment? What does your dh bring to the table besides shitty parenting and debts?

Seriously?!

Don't be silly.

You desperately need a break with your husband and taking the toddler is low key and easy. The SC go on holidays and can still go camping - it's not like they're missing out. Children in combined families like this can't go on every holiday.

The issue of course is your DH feels very differently

You can’t afford to take them. End of discussion imo. Either you go the three of you or you go with a friend.

What is the Dh having a holiday from exactly? Doesn’t sound like he particularly exerts himself in his everyday life.

youve had a baby with a man who’s children you find difficult.
you really need to go with a friend.

I think you should go on holiday with your daughter and a friend/ sister. Make use of the child’s club for a few hours a day for some childfree time, relax and recuperate.

It sounds like your marriage is well and truly over so time to sort that out too.

My sisters ExH takes his new family on holiday and not his other children and they are so heartbroken each time. Please don't leave them out

No, but I do all those things for my stepdaughter who is part of my family. Minus the debt as her father isn’t an idiot. What her Mum chooses to do is irrelevant here. Two wrongs don’t make a right. The OP has definite problems with her DH but the way she talks about never seeing those kids again like it’s a non-event breaks my heart for them.

You say you feel like you barely get any couple time and just want a bit of focus on yourselves for a bit - kindly OP, this is also just what happens when you have young children. It’s got nothing to do with having stepchildren.

In all honesty I think you’re being naive about how “couply” this holiday will be with your toddler in tow, regardless of who else does or doesn’t come along.

Why though? They already have two parents. Surely the step parents role is that of a kindly aunt. They are not your children.

The wrong we're talking about here is your absolutely batshit treating them like the neighbours kids line. Truly ridiculous.

You have won a holiday. You can not afford to take 3 SC. So your choices are:-

1. You go with DH (with or without DD)
2. You go with friend (with or without DD)
3. You don't go

Whichever option you choose your SC and DD will get over it or may not be that bothered. It sounds like you need a break, so I hope you choose 1or 2.

I voted YANBU in the first place. Then reading your updates about how you've been doing all of the financing and parenting, and that the SDCs go on holiday without your toddler, you're definitely not being unreasonable. Children can absolutely understand "we need to spend some time together to fix some issues, and toddler naps/sleeps early giving us that time". And it's good modelling for them too.

Op don't take the sc. I honestly wouldn't take half my kids given the chance, pre teens constantly fighting bickering arguing moaning, no thanks. They drive me insane at home with their constant fighting
You deserve a break and you deserve to go without them, if their own mum can then why on earth can't you!

If I were him, I wouldn't go on this holiday if I cannot take the rest of my children.

Genuine question, who do you think should be paying the thousands extra it will cost to take the other 3 children with them?

you are right OP - i am 100% on your side on this

you need to set some harsh ground rules to your DH really.

No to SC going on holiday and getting into MORE debt

Your DH really needs to go on the holiday with you and your child, and also get a proper job

If he does not like the above, I would tell him it is over. Go on the holiday with your mum/friend and child

best of luck!!

This. You are asking for trouble down the line if you treat his other kids as though they are not part of your family. I have kids who have been made to feel like second class citizens by their step mum, it has caused irreparable damage to their relationship with their Dad.

I think this is simple (though not easy). You can't afford to pay for SC to go so they can't go. You (as a couple) already have debts and insufficient income. So it is patently unreasonable to take the step kids. But the question then is do you two go alone or take toddler? Personally I'd take the toddler and explain the situation to SC - we'd have loved to bring you but can't afford it right now, once Dad gets a new job we can organise another trip. Clearly you and he need a chance for a deeper conversation though so if you are this close to divorce already might be better to have someone take a toddler overnight, lay out your boundaries and see if he can change, then if it doesn't look hopeful take a friend on the trip instead.

Their own mum takes the children that she has with her current partner and leaves the three older children with their dad and OP while she is on holiday.

I think my SCs Mum would stab me if I started acting like a Mum. I'm more of a kindly Aunt.