AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Yes totally agree

It's quite simple - the OP has personally won a holiday for two adults and two children.

She is bringing her DD and has invited her DH along. He can accept or refuse. He can only request his three children to come along if he can afford it - but he can't. He can't afford to feed or house any of his children but expects his wife to pay for all.

If I were her, I'd run a mile.

Some of my nicest holidays ever were beach holidays in Italy with my SC's at that age and my own DC's as baby/toddler. Yes, the SC's were more work in some ways, but they also played with my DC's and it was a pleasure to see the world through their eyes. Now 20 years later and long divorced from their father, I still have an amazingly close relationship with my SCs AND my DC's do too and all our lives are the better for it.

I mean - honestly OP - you have checked out of this marriage. I actually initially thought YABU - you bought into the husband who already had kids, then it became very, very apparent that you just dont want to be married anymore - you have an exit strategy, a flat you can move into, and holidays that you can take without having the 'burden' of your SC - which is what you want, and certainly, you dont sound fond of your husband anymore, i mean you've said hes basically unemployed and have described him as a bit of a loser - if i were you OP - leave him - the SC dont deserve this, they need stability, and honestly you are 90% checked out, all you need is the tenants to move out and you have a home for you and your daughter. I guess when the time comes, you'll have to also split your daughter's custody 50/50 with him. Good luck whatever you do.

Would take them. I think anything else will cause more trouble. And it wouldn't be relaxing anyway holidays with toddlers never are.

How long have you been married?

Did you ringfence the flat when you married?

It amazes me that all stepchildren on here are apparently so badly behaved that the stepmothers can’t bear to be around them

Interestingly, when I worked in a school you could always tell when kids had been with their fathers as their behaviour deteriorated. We asked ‘did you stay at dads last night?’ It was always a yes. Then there were the kids who knew dad was picking them up and they didn’t want to go, so behaved badly during the day.

Dont tell me kids don’t know how to behave - they do, and they get away with poor behaviour when they aren’t parented, which is clear from OPs posts.

So the holiday is the canary in the coalmine of the relationship now?

I can see why you are totally fed up. The financial side of things alone must be a huge strain.

Has DH done anything to improve/resolve his mental health issues? That would be a big factor for me if his depression is causing him to fail in every other area of his life.

On the holiday issue, you would effectively be on separate trips if SC came. Because he'd be with them all the time and you'd be with your toddler.

This is a tough one. Because while I think you're absolutely right not to want to take out debt to take the SC on a holiday they won't enjoy, I wouldn't think much of your DH if he agreed to go without them. No decent father would want to treat three children differently from a fourth. Especially when they already have him part time and the youngest had him all the time. You should go with a friend imo.

In all honesty the holiday is the least of your worries at this point. Your DH is living off your earnings, you’re already subsidising him and his kids, and you’re killing yourself to do it. I wouldn’t be taking the SC on holiday, your DH can’t afford it. I also wouldn’t be taking the DH, he can’t afford to not be working. I would be going on my own, possibly with a good friend and planning my exit from this shit show.

Yep. And then their feckless father can struggle to see them at all as god knows where he'll be living

I’m reading it as a) resentment of her dh, who right now thinks he should continue to give his ex money that op earns and b) needing a break from working 60 hours a week.

OP you’ve got an absolute skating on here but YANBU at ALL. I’m a mum (DC from ex), step mum and mum of a ‘second family’ so I have no skin in the game as can see it from all sides. And IMO step mums are held to a ridiculous standard and children are spoilt and raised to think the world revolves around them and it’s ridiculous.

SC have two parents whose job it is to give them all their opportunities, life experiences, etc. You do that for your child.
I think it’s fair if DH doesn’t want to go but in that case you should go on your own with little one. I’m taking my kids on holiday this year; we wanted to take all of them but SC’s mum refused to let us take SC. So I’m taking just mine, because they have one childhood and I already compromise it significantly for the sake of SC. OH isn’t coming because he doesn’t want to go without SC, which is fair enough. If he wants to take SC another time, I’d have no problem and I’d fully expect my DC to understand why they weren’t going. And if, when my DC are at their dad’s and SC are at their other parent’s, I wanted to go away with OH and shared DC, that would also be fine.

If all the kids were yours people would be positively encouraging you to have a break but for some reason step mums are expected to be total martyrs and it’s not fair.

Same.

Not much of a holiday!

Your H is just taking the piss OP.
He's banking on you feeling some guilt about the wellbeing of his children if you end things and that's part of what makes him feel able to get away with it. He know's that you have no options that dont also cause you some pain.

Parents in these cases have at the very least failed at the first hurdle: Giving children an in-tact family. The parents have failed there.

So all people who are separated/ divorced are bad parents/ have failed their children. Right. 🙄

That's nice and that's what op had planned for the camping holiday she's paying for

She's not willing to get only herself into more debt to tag them into this trip though

@katbum I can see why she left him tbh

So you think stepparents influence behaviour more than parents?

No. I think you misunderstood my point- which was that perhaps the whole problem wasn’t the step children’s behaviour, but the step parents’ attitude towards the children. No doubt some step children are awful; most are probably just like any other child- decent people but immature, challenging and annoying at times , which is especially annoying when they aren’t your own

This is such a strange thread. All this martyring of yourself! Why are you asking if you should be taking your step kids? You really should be asking if you should be taking your husband. The answer is no - you clearly hate him. Just get divorced and go on the holiday with your kid alone or with a mate.

If you DO go away with the husband then yes you should take the kids because you’ve chosen to be a family and should work at it, regardless of how annoying everyone is. That’s what being part of a family is.

If you do get divorced and stop seeing them, who gives a fuck what some kids you won’t see again think?

I disagree. If it was 'my DH who is funding me and my kids that I don't live with refuses to take on more credit card debt to take my big kids that don't behave well when they see him while I continue to not bother working' the woman would get flamed

It would be crazy to add to your already mounting debt to include your SC in a bonus holiday that you have one.

It's easy words for your DH to rashly say just put their flights and the difference in an upgrade of the accommodation on a credit card when he will not be the one actually having to pay the bill when you return.

I'm afraid he needs to look at himself in all of this and realise this situation is just not sustainable. Yes he may be depressed about his not earning the income that he did previously but in eighteen months he should really have picked something more suitable up than doing a few delivery shifts if he was earning £100k prior to this. Out of interest how old is he?

You see it on here time and time again.
We are heading for one fucked up 'blended family' generation

Honestly, reading through all your posts I think to separate is the best option. Sounds like you are keeping the ship afloat, at the expense of your mental health quite frankly.

you sound wrung out emotionally and bitter (and I don’t blame you one bit) I don’t think think the relationship is sustainable in the long run and this holiday has just brought all the problems to a head.
Only you know in your heart what you want in the long run, but I think reading your posts you are done,
Escape now with your toddler whilst they are little and make a better life for yourself❤️
Things happen for a reason in life