AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Then bloody well do it and stop whining about that fact that strangers care more about your step-children, who are children, than you, who is an adult.

its your holiday prize - and I don’t think a prize should end up putting you in debt - defeats purpose ! Take your child and bring a friend with a child or bring your mum or do you have a close sibling or something you could invite ? Then husband might feel less guilty if he doesn’t go 🤷‍♀️

The step children in this cause could go on holiday if their dad could be bothered to get a job and pay it but he can't. But hey let's blame the step mum for the kids missing out. Easy target

See this all the time on mumsnet and IRL!

makes my blood boil

I'll put my hands up @MeanOrJustified and say I'm not a step parent, or indeed a parent at all but your problem is much deeper than whether you should take your DSC on holiday. Your marriage sounds like it's on its last legs, you started off pretty equal and now you're carrying all the financial load, that would be OK if your DH was trying to get another decent job but he sounds like he's not really trying and is happy for you to carry everything.
Forget about the holiday for now, take a long hard look at your marriage instead. I think you're focusing all your hopes on this holiday but two weeks away won't make everything better.
My apologies to anyone who doesn't like non SP posting here

She needs to go with other people eg friends or her mum or something.

of course I blame the stepmum, her awful feelings towards her stepchildren are hideous. She clearly shouldn’t have got with a man who already had 3 children!

Oh my , have you read the thread? I

This is one of the most sensible posts I have ever read on Mumsnet.

Of course most women- especially mums- are more concerned about children who have no say in who their parents shack up with than the adults who have actively chosen to be involved in those children's lives.

I think he'd be a bad dad if he went on this holiday without three of his children. It would only be fair if he also took his older children away at a different time but it doesn't sound like you can afford another holiday abroad?

you want to go with just your child, take a friend/your mum or go alone.

If she’s angry at her husband for the financial situation that’s a separate thing to the way she views her SC

This sounds like a relationship at breaking point. @MeanOrJustified Your DH is living in cloud cuckoo land and it sounds as though you have given him enough chances. But now he is encouraging you to get into debt in order for him to play a Disney dad role and that is a big no

Go on the holiday with your toddle and take a friend. You will have a lovely time.

Go back to your flat and start divorce proceedings ASAP. You will be far happier when you can concentrate on yourself and your little one.

OP, do you think you could be depressed? You sound v drained and deflated by it all.

If I were you, I would go alone with my toddler and think about my options.

If you had read the thread , which I'm assuming you didn't, you would see why the op doesn't want to take her sc on holiday. . Their behaviour and moods, from lack of parenting from both bm and bf . She would need to put it on her credit card and then pay it off. She's already working 60 odd hours a week to pay for everything. The situation she is on now is totally totally different than the one she signed up to when she's got married.Some people are so uncaring. Just cause you are the step mum you are automatically the bad guy. Op had plenty good reasons not to take the sc and I hope she goes and enjoys her well deserved break

I am stunned at most of the responses I've read on this (no way near the full thread!) I am 100% team @MeanOrJustified . You poor love. The way your DH has changed over the last 3 years is horrific. You expected better. He has relaxed because you are so awesome and have provided all the solutions thus far. I suspect you won't buck up while he has you to rely on which is such a shame because he's just not going to be a good husband for you. He is taking and not giving and he thinks it is OK for you to give until it breaks you. You have a good head on your shoulders. You will get through this. I suspect you will go on this holiday with your toddler and perhaps a friend or your mum and that this will hasten the end of your marriage. Weird that this supposed bit of luck in winning a holiday has lead to this. In a few short months you will be back home with your divorce underway. I wish you all the best.

OP, this isn’t about a holiday, is it? It’s about you feeling out of control of your own life, in which you face burnout at the hands of a demanding job and a husband who takes your contribution for granted.

None of this is ideal for your SC, but you are not responsible for parenting them, your DH and his ex are capable of, and should be, doing that.

Easy for me to say, I know, bit I would be taking a trusted friend and my toddler on the holiday and using it as time to think about my marriage and future. Taking your DH and your toddler, even without the SC, will only allow you to paper over the cracks in your marriage.

there’s a reason why step mothers get a hard time on MN.

Imagine the following:

DH has won a holiday and he’s said that he’d rather not take my DC because he feels they’re too badly behaved.”

We all know what the answer would be, and it wouldn’t be that DH was in the right.

It amazes me that all stepchildren on here are apparently so badly behaved that the stepmothers can’t bear to be around them.

It’s never the step parent’s fault. there’s always an arsehole of an ex or badly behaved children who they can’t bear to be around.

Maybe they’re not badly behaved, maybe they don’t feel the need to behave for a woman who is so clearly contemptuous of them.

Oh, and be careful what you wish for. Your angelic toddler will be a teenager one day…..

But its not HIS holiday... he is simply OP's free guest on HER holiday with HER child.

SC don't get less unless their parent is a deadbeat, they get MORE. I guarantee if SC go on holiday with their mam OP's child won't be taken along to make it fair.

I bet if the boys invited him to Amsterdam for a stag do and the groom even offered to pay his costs he wouldn't say 'nah, I can't go abroad without my kids'.

There is over a decade between me and my brother, I left home when he was a toddler, I don't think I have had a family holiday with him since he was TWO. Of course my mam still took him away throughout his childhood without me. We are siblings but live different lives, not everything can be balanced because then the younger kids get nothing (the older kids already got past experiences).

Have you read any of the OP's posts ?? Her DH can't afford to take his children anywhere - he works very part time hours - just enough to pay his own phone bill and maintenance to his ex wife.
He can't afford to take his children anywhere as his wife's pays for her SC to have a roof over their heads every weekend, their foods etc etc. The OP is working 60 hours a week to keep the show on the road.

i don’t think many people, if they’re being truly honest, would want to take 3 children (who aren’t their own) on holiday? I’d try to lose them at the airport!

It sounds like their dad is keen to involve them. But the situation here is that they can't afford a holiday at all. This holiday has been won and the only way to include them would be for OP to get into debt, when she is already providing everything financially for her household. He's not paying for anything for any of his children.

If it’s his responsibility then isn’t it also their mums?

He's previously taken them away without OP's DC.

Probably if the OP wasn't working 60 hours a week to pay the entire rent on a house that is big enough for their needs, pay for food and living costs for everyone, etc etc - while her DH contributes nothing but expects HER to take out a loan to pay for his children's flights, she might be more open to them coming. In all honesty, who would want to go on a holiday where two adults, a toddler and three children under the age of 12 ???

Holiday aside, your life sounds hard - working FT to support another adult and 4 kids, and not getting enough time with your DC, who will only be little once. I think you need to do what’s good for you and toddler.

tbh you do sound a bit cold towards your SC but I can imagine this is because you’re tired and resentful about the whole situation rather than actually disliking or meaning them ill.

This isn’t about your SC. They are just being kids and need the adults in their life to step up for them - that should be their mum and dad first of all.

So if you want out, just go. Make a nice life for you and your daughter and stop carrying this man through life.

Oh and have a lovely holiday!

Especially when it would mean two adults, a toddler and three children under the age of 12 would be sharing the one hotel room.