AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Why would someone show children who are not theirs the same amount of affection as her own child?? It's like your own daughter and your niece, yes you care for and love them both but it's not the same. Nor should it be.

@buzzheath
So DH can holiday with just his oldest DC and leave toddler behind

Ex can go on holiday without her eldest DC and just take her new DC

It's just the STEPMUM who has to work 60 hours a week and take on debt to take EVERYONE

😐😑😐

Have your holiday on your terms. All the best OP.

🌸

I think you won the holiday for 4. You haven't got spare money to take the other children so unless DH can afford to subsidise this he either accepts this as a nice additional break for the 3 of you or you choose a friend to go with you. It doesn't make sense to take a free holiday and turn it into an expense you can't afford. You haven't won a holiday for 6 so unfortunately decisions are needed.

I agree with this. Most Mums would want Stepmum to treat her DC with love but not act like their other Mum.

Have you read any of the OP’s posts ?

How is her attitude to her SC horrendous? She pays the entire rent for the home her SC spend every weekend in, she pays for the food they eat, etc, etc. ? She is paying for their camping holiday later in the year. She works 60 hrs a week to afford to do this.

Meanwhile dear old Dad works very part-time hours, just enough to cover maintenance payments to his ex-wife and his phone contract.

She does not want to take her SC on a holiday where she, personally has to take out a loan to cover their flights and day to day costs. She does not want to have two adults, a toddler and three children sleeping in one room. How is that horrendous ?

If anyone is being horrendous, it’s dear old Dad who opts to work very part time hours and have his wife fund the lives of his children.

So I was originally going to post saying "You won a holiday for two adults and two children - you get to decide who goes." but my friend, who came from a broken home, said that as a child, he would have been really upset seeing his step brother/step sister going on holiday with his dad and spending time together without him. I think you have to think of the perspective of the children.

So maybe could you go with DH, just you two alone? I'm sure if you explain to the competition they might be ok with that based on logistics!

I enjoy holidays with my children, but there is childcare involved and it isn’t relaxing. Op has said the stepchildren are a handful.

I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't have a problem if her then ex's new wife won a holiday and couldn't afford to take the OPs child.

Especially if the DH is as useless as he is now and doesn't even pay for anything.

The OP is hardly being an awful stepmom. She pays for everything for the SC when they are with her and she subsidises their maintenance as their maintenance was based on his previous earning. He hasn't lowered the maintenance since he list his job as the OP is facilitating his ability to keep to the higher amount.

THIS IS WHY SHE CAN'T AFFORD TO TAKE THEM ON HOLIDAY.

Perhaps the dad should have his maintenance recalculated to take into account his now paltry earnings and therefore be able to contribute to his current family. They they would be able to save money and afford to take everyone on holiday 🙄

Why get involved with someone that already has children if you can't be arsed being a family?

I will not be doing that. Would rather stay single!

Dh is being unreasonable wanting to put a holiday on credit card (plus there will be extra costs apart from the room).

Step kids get holidays that their half sister misses out on.

Stepkids are still getting a family holiday, as planned.

This is a one-off that was won, not planned.

Vettrianofan what a load of rubbish have you actually read any of the posts. This is now being taken over by step mum bashing idiots who clearly haven't read the posts. Go on holiday OP with your DD and enjoy!

Two seperate issues here. The first being the change in your husbands financial situation and why he seems to be avoiding addressing it? Why is he letting you pay for everything? You obviously and understandably feel resentful op and it needs sorting out. DH needs to pull his finger out and get a job.
in terms of the holiday, that’s what my own step mother did, insisted that we, the step kids didn’t come. Which is why I would never and have never done that to my own step children. To be fair my spineless dick of a father should have stood up to her but he didn’t and our relationship never recovered.
I married a man with children but I would never have married a man who wasn’t totally invested and involved in his children’s lives.
Ultimately the children didn’t ask for any of this and I have always treated my step children accordingly, which is why we have a really good relationship now they are adults.

YANBU. To be fair a ‘holiday’ with 4 kids, even if all were my own, sounds like a complete nightmare. At least with the toddler you can each get a bit of a break while the other parent takes care of them.
you are , quite justifiably, at the end of your rope. Do what would make you happiest and help you make the most of the holiday.

@Whenim63 We went away a couple of times without my SC. We have a really good relationship now they are adults. They were treated as family and were with us a lot. Maybe we were lucky that they weren't jealous of their little Brother having a holiday as their Mum was able to take them on a lot more expensive holidays than we were going on.

I'm pretty sure the OP wouldn't have a problem if her then ex's new wife won a holiday and couldn't afford to take the OPs child.

Well no because presumably husband wouldn't be going either?

I thnk you should go alone/with a friend Op.

You’re getting a really hard time here OP and I don’t know why. Exceptional things happen all the time and circumstances adapt to that. You’ve won a holiday for four. You can’t take 5. Just tell the SC, reconfirm the trip in the summer and pack your bags.

My DH won a trip for two. We just told our DC they couldn’t go, and they understood. Later in life my DH won a trip for 2 that I couldn’t go on so he took one of our DC and not the other - it just suited the circumstances.

Your SC are not going to be scarred for life because they’re told no in a reasonable way. Not everyone can be winners in every situation and if you’re treating them fairly the rest of the year, they will understand there are two different families here.

Life is not equal and that’s an important lesson to learn. As is the necessity to be reasonable, see the wider picture and talk things through. Time for SC to get that lesson.

It's actually quite common for people to treat SC the same as their bio kids.

Several of my friends were stepkids and most of them have a healthy relationship with their step-parents as adults precisely because, when growing up, they felt treated in the same way. One of my best friends always talks about how amazing her stepdad was for raising her as if she was his own (unlike her deadbeat "real" dad).

On the other hand I have known a few people who felt very much excluded as soon as their step-parents had their "own" kids. Their therapy bills are eye-watering.

People always seem to assume that the SM enticed the husband away though, don't they? (Yup. I'm speaking from experience.)

Exactly. This gives me flashbacks of my divorced parents starting relationships with people who didn't want a child around and would clearly prefer me not to exist, and the absolute feeling of dread and helplessness that this person was now part of my life and I had no control over it.

The way OP talks about her SCs she should separate immediately and be done with it.

Ouch! Your resentment of your stepchildren is quite clear

But your husband did want to have a second family. So he had one.

You clearly didn't want step-kids, but you married a man with children, so this is all on you, I'm afraid.

I’m glad my parents always saw ALL their children as their children even after their divorce.

i can’t imagine how it would have felt to be 11 and be a second class child of my mum or dad

I think that you should you just go with your toddler and perhaps a close friend or relative, so that you are able to recharge your batteries a bit. Maybe the time apart will give your husband the opportunity to reflect on your marriage and his work situation, and the huge inequality of effort at the moment.

Asking you to put extra expenses on your credit card when you are paying almost all your household bills is outrageous, and most unfair to you. I think that your husband needs a big wake up call, I wish you the best of luck.

Asking you to put extra expenses on your credit card when you are paying almost all your household bills is outrageous, and most unfair to you.

AND paying off the 'D'H's debts.