AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

I disagree, our holidays with the kids are lovely and relaxing and step children are not harder and more work, it depends on personalities and relationships

If the roles were reversed would you want your children left out? I’d take a friend/relative and child if possible.

Saying you're so close to divorce won't change peoples opinions that your attitude to your SC is horrendous.
If and when you do - your DD will be a stepchild in your next relationship. I wonder how you will react if their stepdad insists he doesn't want her on holiday and is unpleasant to be around?

@buzzheath

But that's my point. If you're not willing to treat them equally, and consider them as your own (i.e. not considering leaving them behind for a holiday, as you wouldn't for your biological children), then just don't marry the partner with the extra kids. That's all.
And what about the rather enormous point that she won the trip and they can not afford to extend the scope of the holiday. They haven't got the money. They would have to go into debt. A debt that the OP would singularly have to try to repay from her already stretched 60 hours a week work. That's not a viable option.

Some of your comments, OP, are also a bit odd. About your SC - "they like their little sister but aren't fussed about her really." They're young kids. They're not going to demonstrate great fuss or articulate deep sibling love at this age, but if your toddler has been in their lives for a number of years, there will be love and affection there. Odd that you cannot, or perhaps will not, see that - you are almost dehumanising them? You say you love your SC, but you don't seem at all bothered - in fact, you seem almost relieved - at the fact of never having to see them again if you and your DH divorce. Very strange if you do actually love them as you claim you do.

Again, nothing particularly wrong with feeling that way - but in that case, like I have said further up thread, you should not have married your partner, unless you were willing to treat - in both affection and practicalities - the pre-existing SC as your own family.

Nah OP, sod him and definitely don't go sticking debt on to cards.
Take a friend or two, go enjoy your holiday, and consider whether or not you really want to be with this man.

You haven’t answered either question, which is telling in itself.

You do realise, just because they won a holiday, it's not compulsory to actually go....

Not being able to afford for the entire family to go is an entirely reasonable justification for not going at all.

They're going on holiday not relocating to Australia.

"before I became the maid and workhorse for DH, his ex and his children."

"He is drowning in debt which I am paying off for him. I am paying for almost all of our household costs including couples counselling which is going nowhere. He’s been too down and depressed to get a proper job for eighteen months. I had to cut my maternity leave short to compensate and use up my savings. He now wants to put a holiday for SC on MY credit card instead of letting me have my free break."

He can take his other kids on holiday when he's working and can pay for it himself. He's sucked you dry and it sounds like you are beyond done with filling in for his uselessness.

Honestly, it's time to call it.

Just stick to your guns re not using your credit card OP, I think you're already carrying too much of the financial burden without adding to it.
I'm sorry your lovely prize has highlighted the problems in your marriage and resulted in you getting a bashing from strangers 💐

I would absolutely struggle to spend 24 hours staying in one room (as described by the OP) with 4 children of varying ages let alone a whole holiday. I would probably pay not to.

@MeanOrJustified did something happen to your DH that led to his job loss and seemingly complete personality transplant? And has he done anything to address his MH?

What do you actually want to happen to your marriage? You sound ready to walk and the holiday is perhaps a catalyst is realising that.

Perhaps you could knit the OP a hair shirt to wear if she ends up going?

Um, what's a hair shirt?

Religious torment garment.

Itchy

That was in response to a poster saying I needed to make sure they’re all treated like full siblings at my husband’s house after we’d divorced… Quite how I’m supposed to monitor and improve his parenting from afar when I can’t do it in my own home is beyond me.

And yep, right now, after two years of stress and worry and being the only person making money, the idea of a clean and peaceful home without bickering kids who I have no say over, sounds hugely relieving.

So, imagine this. Your husband has an affair and leaves you tomorrow. He files for 50/50. Your children’s new stepmum also has children and raises them differently.

Your children now follow a vegan diet for 50% of the time, do two hours of homework a night, watch horror films and go to bed at 10pm, because that’s what her kids do.

Is that right? She’s treating them like her own, after all. Or should this be up to your kids’ parents?

They are not “their own” though are they however much magical thinking you may want do. There are no rules as to how a step parent should behave. If a couple split there is no legal right for the step parent with regard to those children. Here it sounds as if the op is actually subsidising the useless Dh and his 3 kids anyway. How much more is she expected to give?

But the family unit includes the stepchildren. That's the point.

No one's saying you can't do things on your own, or with only part of your family unit. That's normal. But you would avoid any situation that made part of the family unit feel excluded, unwanted or not the favourite.

(To be clear I have not said the OP must take her SC on this holiday - that doesn't sound sensible at all. But she can't expect her husband to join her with only one of his kids.)

People are getting all bent out shape here.

The facts are
You can't afford this holiday, you won it so it's not as if you're choosing to leave them out.
You have been away with the step kids before and left your own child out.
You can't actually afford to add the children to the holiday if you need to put it on the credit card.
You definitely need a break due your circumstances and looking after 4 kids is not a break.
And why are you getting a rough ride here when mummy dearest doesn't take her own kids away?

So the choice is you go as a 3 or you go with a friend.

And the T&Cs may not actually allow you to book during the school holidays when the other 3 kids would be available even with offering to pay more, have you even checked? Otherwise this is all moot.

How exactly is her attitude to her step children horrendous?

@buzzheath

You do realise, just because they won a holiday, it's not compulsory to actually go....

Not being able to afford for the entire family to go is an entirely reasonable justification for not going at all.
Oh great idea. OP who can't afford a break from working 60hours a week to fund her DH and through subsidising him fund his DC now is expected to give up the chance of a holiday because she can't afford to pay for all her SC.

This is top MN

I think you know that the comments suggesting you "treat them equally" are referring to the general affection you show them and sense of belonging you create for them i.e. treating them as just as much a part of the family as your biological children.

Then this is what you hang it on, especially since you're currently paying the bulk of everything so he can keep supporting his own children.

REmind him he has holidays with just his DSCs, and you've never fussed about it. It makes perfect sense at times with the age gap, etc And with that in mind you're going to do the same. Tell him you're having a holiday with your toddler a either he comes so it's just the 3 of you, OR you're inviting ADULT and CHILD (perhaps your mum and a cousin? Perhaps a SIl and and a niece/nephew around the same age? Friend and child around the same age?)

Did you miss the part where the op says the sdc are at their dad’s every weekend and holidays?

The best idea is leave DH and take your toddler. With a friend if you have someone who wants to go.

Then SC won't be left out as mums are allowed holidays without the whole family. Even on MN.

Or leave toddler with DH and go with a mate.