AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Just as a counter to the overwhelming "all or nobody goes" response....

I have 3 boys, 2 close in age and then a gap before the youngest. In the past I have done beach holiday termtime with youngest, glamping and camping adventures with older 2, I just got back from London for a trip with youngest. Meals out and activities with one, two or all of them.

Generally, I will explain why I am taking who I am taking and they know that things even out. They also know that they are all very different people, they don't all enjoy the same things at the same times.

It sounds like OP's SC have been on plenty trips without toddler with OP's DH and with OP &DH. Why is the toddler the only one who doesn't get any time focused on their needs?

If the poster is who I think it is the stepchildren aren’t the problem- the DH is - he has sucked everything out here and still wants more

@MeanOrJustified hopefully this is the final push to leave him I think it is best for both of you

This, I was going to say you and your child go with a friend.
Adding debt is a bad idea.

OP, honestly, who thinks what about you is neither here nor there. You need to preserve yourself and your sanity for the sake of your DD as her father has shown himself to be seriously lacking as a father. I don't doubt he's found being out of work stressful but he simply hasn't stepped up, as he should have done. He's fathered 4 fucking kids for chrissakes and isn't able to fully support them. Leave the pair of them to it, no good will come of your continued efforts in their lives.

It sounds like he's also not parenting the 3 older ones as well as he did previously, which won't help.

What? You seriously think if you get married to someone who has children you are never allowed to do anything on your own or as a family unit? Your family has to be matryed on the altar of his past relationship? That is just not going to happen. You seem to think you have to priortise the stepchildren in every aspect of family life. Again, nobody is going to do this. But I also don't think that's how anyone treats their own children. I and my DH have been away without our shared child because we wanted a child free break. We've taken our shared child away without our stepchild and our stepchild has been away with my DH without me and DC. Stepchild goes away with her mum and stepdad and my child doesn't go. This is just the reality of life, it is not fair. Everyone doesn't get to do everything.

The other children will probably go away with their own mother anyway so either go with your partner and toddler or go with a friend and your toddler you simply cannot afford to take them all away. For those that say well his children are part of the family of course they are but they will also do stuff with their mother anyway.

YES

OP ignore the vipers on here. You are under no obligation to share your prize with your stepchildren.

Get rid of your husband and the whole lot of them. They are sucking you dry.

Your trip, so you decide. No point taking them if not their thing.
Plus it will make it expensive, no longer a prize.

You don't have to take the SC. You won the holiday and you should go and enjoy it. I would be tempted to take a friend and not the husband though.

Yes, this. I would NOT reward the lazy layabout with a holiday!

God these poor kids. Nobody wants them do they?

I'd much rather stay home than share one room with five other people on a 'holiday'.

The idea that you get into futher debt putting a holiday on a credit card when their own father isn't contributing is a joke.

Boy but he really thinks you are an awful mug.

Leave him behind.
Enjoy the holiday.
Get the hell out of this marriage where your sole use is to be a workhorse/atm.

You deserve better. Get out.

This

Fuck ME. These poor poor kids!

If I'd had won a holiday when my DC was a toddler and we couldn't have afforded to add on the SC I would have still gone. If DH didn't want to come that would have been up to him.

We did actually go away without them a few times but they had lots of nice holidays with their Mum as she had more money at the time.

Would you be prepared to leave your children from a previous relationship behind? Say you split with your DH and married someone new, and had another child with them - you'd genuinely feel ok about leaving your other kids behind? It is completely mindboggling to me how people who marry partners with pre-existing children aren't prepared to treat those children as their own. Probably why stepparents get such a bad rap.

Has he been doing anything to address his mental health? If he hasn’t, you need to give him an ultimatum if you still love him and actually want the relationship to work. It needs to be a case of him going to the Drs, getting medication, getting referred to the mental health team, with a clear pathway to him going back into full time work. If he’s not prepared to take these steps then obviously you need to look at exiting the marriage.

@buzzheath are you a step parent?

I’m interested as to what you consider “treating as your own” to look like, when talking about children for whom you do not hold PR.

a lot more relaxing than toddler and 3 more kids that fight for sure.

Just back to applaud OP’s boundaries. Sounds like she’s tried to make things nice for everyone else for too long and at her own literal and metaphorical expense.

Time she gave her and her DD’s lives some priority.

Good point, if roles were reversed how would op feel

But that's my point. If you're not willing to treat them equally, and consider them as your own (i.e. not considering leaving them behind for a holiday, as you wouldn't for your biological children), then just don't marry the partner with the extra kids. That's all.