AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Thank you!

I have been in SC’s lives for a long time, we are all close, but a holiday with them is not relaxing in the slightest.

SD is in the full throes of hormones, gets up at midday and goes to bed past midnight, and spends her waking hours on her phone.

SSs are very boisterous boys who spend a lot of time at their mum’s beating each other up, and disagree on everything from what film to watch to what colour the sky is.

If they were my kids, I’d have screen time limits, set bedtimes, and better discipline around not whacking each other. But they’re not. And whilst I used to have more say, over the past two years I have had my hands quite full with DD, so it’s been left to DH, who frankly hasn’t bothered (attributed to his mental health).

Are they behaving in response to their environment? Yes. Does that make it pleasant to be around? Absolutely not.

This is so batshit. It is perfectly normal in blended families for the families to do things without some of the children. In fact, it's normal in any family. My parents took my siblings on some holidays I didn't go on and vice versa for loads of reasons. Even if I was sad, I got over it, because learning everything is not for you is part of life. What is not normal is indebting yourself in order to make a nice experience WORSE. The stepchildren are not part of this holiday and that's ok. OP is not their mum! Their own mum leaves them out. Whatever problems they have emotionally down the line, not being included on this particular trip will not be one of them.

Your real issue, like a lot of the threads on here about step kids, is with the useless man you’re with.

You finally have your ‘own little family’ you wish to holiday with, except he’s got his two other kids from his first marriage to also think about and understandably wants to include too.

The constant threats of divorce and the fact that this holiday, which you happened to win, can make or break your marriage, says it all.

How people don't understand that taking three school-aged children abroad is not a relaxing holiday is beyond me. It's bad enough taking your own kids away - step children are much harder and more work, because they are not your own childre

Everyone does understand it. It would be absolutely horrific. Which is why you don't get in to such a situation in the first place. Because once you're in, chosen by yourself, you have a responsibility to not make children feel like an inconvenience.

And if you can't do that, then you divorce.

OP's entitled to say what she wants. Your response to her distress is what's vile.

I don't think anyone who hasn't been a stepparent can fully understand the stress and frustration of having to parent while having none of the rights of a parent. It's insanity making and in fact often all you can do is think 'not my responsibility' - because it actually is not your responsibility. I too would make different and I think better choices about my SD's upbringing. But I don't get to because I'm not her mum, so I have to try and manage the choices other people make in a way that preserves my mental health, and my own child's wellbeing all while making sure the home I make is as pleasant as possible for my SD when she is in it.

When you marry someone with kids, it’s a package deal.
Going on holiday with kids can be stressful and certainly not as relaxing as a ‘couple’s’ holiday. But you are where you are. These kids are in your life through your marriage.
You either take them all, or leave your toddler behind too and go as a couple. Anything in between is just not right.

You sound ready to leave anyway, so why not just take a friend and your toddler? If your marriage is as dead as it sounds, don’t waste the holiday on people you want to leave behind.

The relationship ultimately does not sound salvageable. Quite reasonably, you're unwilling to keep carrying your DH whilst he treats your own DC less favourably than his elder ones.

People seem to be missing the fact that the step kids will still be stuck with 2 useless bio parents who, for whatever reason, can't or won't parent their own children properly. She would be passing in the wind to even try to make up for their failings and frankly it wouldn't work. They would just use her as a convenient whipping horse to blame for everything and anything. She's done her best so far, it's never going to be enough and the holiday win has thrown the whole pointless exercise of parenting with a lazy fuckwit into sharp focus.

OP should go on this holiday with a friend and her DC, leaving her DH at home with his older children.

Why on earth would OP sacrifice a luxury holiday that she has been lucky enough to win?

The SC's mother always goes on holiday without them and they are her own children and nobody seems to have an issue with this.

If we divorce, or at least separate, I have some hope that DH would hit rock bottom and get a job.

When we met, and indeed when we married three years ago, DH was solvent, hard-working, had a decent coparenting relationship with his ex even though she cheated, had a nice three bed rental in a good area, had a solid and lengthy career… Now he’s basically unemployed, in debt, lets the children do all kinds of things I don’t agree with, fights with his ex… I couldn’t have seen all this coming.

It’s a shame for SC if we separate as they’ve got used to our standard of living (which they didn’t have when their parents were together) and because they’ll lose another family unit, but my reserves, and wallet, are dry.

Well yes, agreed.

I’d originally assumed that she wanted to go with DH and leaving him behind would be a problem. But now I’ve caught up with all posts it sounds like she’s pretty much decided to divorce him anyway.

I’m amazed at how often on these threads the problem is the SDCs’ behaviour and the parents’ parenting. Meanwhile, ofc, the step parents would do things so much better if they only had the chance. What is the likelihood that there would be so many awful parents from “first families” (if that’s the conventional term) and so many superior step parents? Are people ever willing to look at themselves and wonder if they might be part of the problem? That there maybe two sides to this? That maybe they are less tolerant and patient- more quick to find fault and criticise their step children? Parenting is hard and messy always. No one is perfect. It’s easy to think you’d do a better job from the outside. It’s much easier to see the flaws in someone else’s children that you overlook in your own…

But “Daddy’s not working,” no?

Exactly. If OP leaves, they’ll realise she was the glue holding them all together, but that isn’t her issue. It’s easy to blame the SM when she’s around, they’ll all have to face facts when she isn’t.

So you think stepparents influence behaviour more than parents? Are you the type to blame the school too?

I fully appreciate it’s easy to criticise parenting as a stepparent - we have a front row seat. That’s why it’s imperative to be on the same page as the parent you live with, at least. We used to do this very well until my time was taken up with DD and I had to increase my hours so much at work.

Honestly, I doubt that. They’re not aware of the financial issues we’ve had for the last two years but they will be very aware of it if I leave, so they’ll link it to me leaving, not DH not working.

I admit, I did think you were unreasonable but yikes.

I don't think there's anything worth saving. He promised you a good standard of living, and is now just being an active drain on finances and a mental waste of space. If he was running about keeping on top of the house, childcare and looking for a better job, then I'd think he was doing enough. But he's happy to watch you struggle isn't he? While he mopes about.

Take a friend with you, not him. Or his kids.

So I was right a few pages ago when I suggested that the real issue here is that your DH hasn't kept up his side of the deal? If he was still earning what he was 3 years ago you wouldn't be so resentful because you wouldn't be subsidising him and his DC, so actually that is the problem rather than his children per se?

Totally get that. Redundancy sucks, but using it as an excuse for not working some 18 months or more later is pathetic.

Parents in these cases have at the very least failed at the first hurdle: Giving children an in-tact family. The parents have failed there. Usually one of them is squarely to blame, in this instance the cheating mother. So we know there is a selfish, cheating mum in the picture. We know the dad is a loser who won't work to support his current family and expects OP to pick up the pieces. So yes, I would expect OP can do a better job than that. In my own case, my SD has zero consistency or boundaries, she is not taken to the dentist, she regularly has fleas. Yes I would do a better job than her mother is currently doing in that I would meet her basic needs for healthcare and hygiene. No my own child is not perfect and of course I make mistakes. But I am not expecting someone else to take on any responsibility for my child - I'm sure another woman would find her annoying if I ended it with my DH and he found someone else. But I'd consider it my responsibility to make sure my child had what was needed and not expect it was the new woman's role to do anything other than be kind in her presence.

I think the main deciding factor is that the OP is under financial strain and her husband cannot financially support his family. It is silly for him to be putting money on the credit. I think his priority needs to sort out his financial situation.

"Totally get that. Redundancy sucks, but using it as an excuse for not working some 18 months or more later is pathetic."

My sister-in-law was made redundant after her maternity leave. She didn't work again for 14 years.

Since divorce is on your mind I would go without any of the children.
I understand this is a prize you've won so you want to 'enjoy' it, but the reality is you won't be able to focus on the issues and communication while you have any of the children with you.

Both make the compromise to put the relationship above the 'family' this time and go as a couple.
If you really want to take your baby because you want to have fun and focus on enjoying yourself, then take a friend instead and leave your husband at home.

I think it's a myth, parents can & absolutely do go on holiday without their children. I think people are laying into you like a blood sport.
The H is not pulling his weight. either he wants to go on holiday with OP (like his EX wife does with her new H & kids) or he can stay at home.
If the SC aren't happy then Daddy will have to explain that its' YOUR holiday & he can't take everyone as he is skint & so has chosen to stay & spend time with them.
Its not about not wanting to be involved with SC, its about having time to regenerate without the fighting, extra cost, which their father isn't able to cover.
& NO OP do not put it on your credit card.

I'm surprised at how many posters expect them to take all the kids. They can't afford it. H is in debt, unemployed, and won't be able to pay child support if they break up. All that comes before an exhausting vacation and is financially very stupid.