AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

you are family. don’t get in the habit of justifying leaving some kids out. it will feel shit to them.

Are you certain he isn't entitled to, or won't expect, a share of the flat you purchased prior to marriage?

@Tandora
You want Step mums to include the kids in everything but have no say in anything regards behaviour etc, basically be a silent yes woman.

No it's not their marital home, and she only owns the one home - if she had two flats he might be able to argue he 'needs' one of them but she doenst

Really? Even though her husband has no money or job so actually the OP would be putting the costs for the SC on her credit card, even though she's currently paying all the costs for BOTH families as neither parent is working?

Honestly can't see how she's BU in the slightest. I'd say she's been a bloody saint actually. Time she prioritised herself and her own DC.

If it was just about the holiday - I'd say its not the end of the world to go without them though my stepmother regularly did this to us and it was a really shitty way of making us feel terrible. However, from the rest of your posts its clear you resent the SC and your partner deeply so end the relationship - you will be happier, and, despite the monetary impact they will almost certainly be better off without you in their lives as its horrible having a step parent who feels the way you seem to.

Exactly.

@TheSandgroper I'm just adding my perspective like everybody else is.

I'm not saying the OP should physically go and do that (put the costs on a credit card), I'm saying in a united family unit, blended or otherwise, you wouldn't leave some kids behind. The OP's willingness to do so when her husband doesn't want to do that is something I would consider a problem in my relationship, from my perspective. Putting myself in the husband's shoes.

The OP's literal question is, is it justifiable for her to want to holiday with only her child, while her DH wants to take all of the children in the family.

Go on the holiday with your child and enjoy the break if there is someone you would like to go with you invite if not enjoy the time with your daughter.Relax on the holiday and then divorce.It sounds as if you have reached the end of the road.I find it impossible that in 18 months a high earner couldn’t find a decent job and support his family.He sounds really lazy and probably wants out,you have tried hard to make this work with counselling and paying all the bills.Move back to your flat and enjoy your life.Sad but that is how it is.

In a relationship no I wouldn't consider it okay to hold the fact that you are the earning parent over a non working parent.

I think this is just what I don't get sometimes, is sometimes people are so adversarial on here, both to other posters and to their own IRL people.

Obviously if the OP is in a situation where she feels her husband adds nothing to their lives, doesn't contribute financially or otherwise, and this isn't just a temporary issue because of poor mental health or whatever, then it sounds like an unhappy relationship and she should probably leave. Which is also what I have said.

Because by saying that the children are "someone else's children" that poster is inferring that it isn't OPs responsibility to financially provide expensive luxury holidays for them, it's nothing to do with minimising the proximity of OPs relationship with them and everything to do with highlighting that they have two parents who job it is to financially provide luxuries for their children.

If they can't afford it they can't afford it, that's fine, OP should not be held responsible for going in to debt when they have two people with parental responsibility who's job it is to provide these things

OP's only responsibility is to jointly provide a stable, loving home and anything that comes along with that, luxuries are above and beyond and if the actual parent (and them as a family unit) can't afford those luxuries then there isn't much to be done about it.

I would be tempted to go with a good friend - or your DM if she's available - and DD and leave the others at home. You can sort stuff out with DH later. Giving DD a nice beach holiday and saving a marriage at the same time sounds like too much plate-spinning. Some distance from stresses, time to think, and supportive company to help look after DD and be a listening ear to you is what is required here.

Despite the fact it sounds like she has funded these poor kids to a greater degree in recent years than either of their useless bio parents, they are not her family as will be evidenced once she divorces their useless father. At that point, we can safely assume she will barely see them ever again and they will, sad to say, come to have an inkling of just how much she did for them.

From the initial post it sounded like YABU but the updates make it clearer that there is more going on. I would check the terms and conditions of the holiday as although DH has noticed there are bigger rooms available, often competitions specify that the holiday occurs in term time. This would mean the cost of taking his children would be even higher when you add in fines for being out of school (if there mum even agreed on them going and missing school) so I think he jumped the gun by not asking about this.

However as others have said, I don't think your marriage is happy and even going with just him and your toddler isn't going to fix what is wrong. You sound resentful that you are working and providing for you all, whereas he is now barely contributing. A holiday is not going to change that or make him more inclined to work harder either.

I think you do need to look at separating (as you have another property this can be easily sorted) as it seems like you don't even like him (your comments about he would move away and you wouldn't see him/SC wouldn't see their half sibling and it wouldn't matter makes it seem like you aren't fussed and you are doing him a favour at the moment, which isn't helping anyone).

The OP isn't pretending she has no stepchildren is she? She wants to go on one holiday, which is an unexpected prize she as won, and for it not to be a family holiday. I can't see how that would be a problem even if the older children were her own DCs.

I’ve read all of your posts.

I would be inclined to take a friend and her child. This will give you thinking time. It sounds to me as if you’re at the end of your rope and he’s been a disappointment. I think you might benefit from time away without him to gather your thoughts.

Huh?

I can't be the only person in this world who regularly had separate holidays? And I wasn't a stepchild. There were our bio-parents and us, two siblings. Sometimes we went all together, sometimes they took just my sibling, sometimes just me, or I went away with just my mum or my dad and vice versa. Depending on each others wishes, preferences, timings, etc.

Someone said children who hate beaches don't exist. Oh but they do. I was one (and still am). I hate sun, sand and the sea. Hot, stuffy, sweaty, sand everywhere, and BORING like hell. I always chose to stay with my grandparents who were ace, rather than go on a beach holiday. My brother went instead. My DD is the same, can't stand 'sun hols' just like me, so we do different ones instead.

Anyway, none of that 'traumatized' my brother or me.

YANBU, OP, obviously. If your feckless husband (together with his equally feckless ex) wants his precious kids treated 'the same way' - he should find a job, earn money and pay for it himself. Highest form of taking the piss: foisting his kids on a woman who is not related to them in any way, who needs a break desperately AND expecting her to foot the bill!

I think you have the right idea anyway - divorce him.

To be honest I doubt I’d see SC again if we divorced, unless at DD’s wedding or something.

Their mum has never liked me except when I’m paying for things, and I expect the narrative would be “you can’t do that anymore because she’s taken all Daddy’s money.” Which really sucks to think about because I’ve spent a lot of effort trying to make us feel like family.

TBH I think that most people would resent OP's partner's failure to contribute any money to the household where he lives with OP and their todder. OP has said that;

'He’s gone from a 100k a year job to doing a few delivery shifts a week whilst he “looks for something better.” He’s barely working. It covers his previously agreed maintenance and his phone bill and little else.'

Why isn't he working more shifts when OP is working 60 hours per week and paying for everything? It's probably unfair that OP's resentment of her DH's lack of financial contribution is also affecting her feelings for her step-children, but her DH's attitude to his second family is the reason she feels this way.

If he wants to take his DC on holiday he needs to get a job.

Yes. The contempt you’ve shown for them all in this thread says you should divorce.

If my other half ever spoke about me the way have written about them, I would leave immediately - you may be frustrated at your current situation, but you’ve said some vile things here.

How people don't understand that taking three school-aged children abroad is not a relaxing holiday is beyond me. It's bad enough taking your own kids away - step children are much harder and more work, because they are not your own children, and all the difficulties that this entails (someone else's rules and genetics and a broken home all converging to produce kids you find hard to manage, the resentments within blended families, the emotional damage/behavioural difficulties that often manifest in kids from broken homes etc) are magnified when you are away from home as with any child.

Of course when you marry someone with children you have to accept to an extent that this is what you signed up for. You had a choice, the children did not. The children deserve to have normal childhood experiences like holidays, and kindness. However, you can also make choices that don't centre the stepchildren in some situations, such as win you win a prize and want to make the most of it, without driving the family into further debt.

OP has done a lot for her SC. In fact she has pretty much shielded their bio parents from being perceived as the useless fuckwits they really are. I hope she does leave: her life will be infinitely less stressful and she will no longer be required to support children whose own bio parents can't step up to properly support. Yes, it's sad for the kids who didn't ask for any of this shit but that is the sole responsibility of their bio parents. The misogyny on this thread is disgusting.

Honestly then, I think this is what you should do, and it will ultimately bring you more happiness.

Just imagine it. Your step children see you and their dad and their sibling going abroad without them (doesn’t matter if you think they wouldn’t enjoy it - they will imagine that they would have loved it). They will feel left out. They will wonder why. They may come to the (correct) conclusion that you don’t want them around. Just as they are about to enter the stormy teen years. Do you REALLY want to give them any reasons for bitterness and resentment? Regardless of any well-reasoned defence, these kids will hold it against you.

I really don’t think a trip without them will be without consequence OP. I would seriously reconsider. Give the trip to a friend.

Then just be honest and say:

she’s not financially responsible for providing holidays for her partners children/ her step children.
The use of “someone else’s” children was a rhetorical device designed to deny/ mislead as to the precise nature/ proximity of the relationship , to make the argument appear more reasonable.

This marriage sounds over OP. I would take the toddler and maybe your mum or a friend or just go alone with your child and while you’re away work out how you get away from the relationship. You’re not happy. You’re stressed and working too much. You need some time to work out what life looks like going it alone. Are these shared debts for example? How will you separate finances? If he takes half the equity in the house can you afford to buy him out?

it’s okay not to like the step children much. You can end of the relationship and he can go back to parenting his own children. It will be a welcome break im sure.