AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

@SilverDoe Please, allow me to refresh your memory from page 1.

OP is currently working 60 hours per week to keep a roof over everyone’s head and food on their table.

In what universe does taking on credit card debt in this situation for someone else’s children make a holiday affordable? That’s a sum I can’t add up. It’s only good fortune that any of it is affordable for OP.

Who cares if his ex hates you you'll likely never see her again if your life. She can take a turn subsiding him.

I can see why you assume there'll be a next one, someone's got to pay for his lifestyle, but are we quite sure she'll get the opportunity to be inconvenienced? OP reckons he'll move several hours away to his parents house anyway, and he already thinks it's fine to do much less for this child than for the other three. Wouldn't make any bets on him putting in any effort if OP stops housing and funding him.

You’re 100% reasonable OP. You are not there to subsidise his children and the failed prior relationship.

You and your DC should enjoy the holiday, if he wants to come then great. But getting in more debt? Irresponsible and would make me even more angry at how stupid and short sighted he is. You’re really meant to do everything aren’t you OP?

mother, housekeeper, money horse, etc.

FUCK. THAT.

Good luck OP x

someone else’s children

Its phrasing like this that undermines the rest of your perspective.

But that’s exactly what they are.

They are someone else’s children though. If ops marriage breaks up she has minimal legal rights to ever see those kids again. She has no PR.

This is true.

If you were in a happy place where you could afford to top up the free holiday I think you would be unreasonable but you are on your knees, drowning in debt struggling to stay afloat. Put your oxygen mask on first.
Take the holiday with or without your husband. Use it as an opportunity to rest and recharge.

I'd probably try to find time for a day out with just your step kids and your husband within budget. It doesn't replicate the holiday but it would be a gesture

I'd be giving the husband a clear ultimatum to get his act together and start taking some of the load off you too. This is a situation heading for disaster if something doesn't change. You can't hold everyone else up without proper support indefinitely.

I'm from a blended family my elder sister has never been anything other than a sister and full member of the family but as we grew there were times when she didn't come with us on holiday. There's a 7 and 11 year age gaps and by the time she was in her teens she didn't want to come but there were many more times where we were treated as one family unit.

Nope.

exaclty who they are is her partner’s children, or her step children.
These , more accurate , precise descriptors weren’t used? Why?
Why- To create distance and to make it sound like these are just some/ any other children- children of “someone” else/ “anybody” else. it is to devalue and mislead as to the proximity of the relationship.

I think you should go on the trip with your child. There is no way you should into debt to bring two additional children along 🤦‍♀️ if he can’t be arsed to join you on a holiday you need then his priorities are way off. He already sounds like he can’t be relied on so it is great you have such good options for yourself.

@Tandora There is nothing wrong with my perspective.

OP is working for 60 hours per week to keep body and soul together and is being told she is mean for not saying “Oh, yes, more debt. Just the thing I need.”

@MeanOrJustified Have your holiday.

I was originally going to say that yabu but I'm not.

I think you need to take this holiday without your DH, take a friend or your Mum or someone and just have a break and a think about what you want going forwards.

This situation is untenable, it's not fair on your and it's not fair on your SC either. Your DH needs to step up and be a husband and a parent to all of his children.

I had an awful step mum, she never wanted a man with "baggage" and she made it clear, she went out of her way to make me feel unwelcome in their house, she would purposely pick fights with my dad when I was there to create an atmosphere so he would take me home, she would openly accuse him of favouring me if she thought he'd served me something at dinner that she deemed was better than hers, she would compare me to her children all the time in a negative way.

I was 10 when it all started and I honestly thought it was me that was doing something wrong to make her not like me, I never invited to holiday with them or go anywhere with them but to be honest I was glad for it, half the time I couldn't wait to leave and I'd sometimes go up to the bathroom and have a little cry, and I'd go home in silence, she was quite clever with it, a lot of it was done out of earshot of my dad.

I will always call out step parents who I think are being unfair or not considering their step children's thoughts and feelings and what OP describes isn't even on my radar, I would have killed for a step mum like her who made me feel welcome and included, who financially provided for me, and actually cared about me let alone take me on nice holidays and day trips or let my dad spend one on one time with me.

To all the people saying OP is a bad stepmother, you need to get a fucking grip on reality, she isn't victimising or excluding her step children by refusing to go into debt to shell out extra thousands of pounds to include them on a one off holiday which has been won.. while their dad sits on his arse and contributes nothing, it's a complete one off, not the norm, so not in a million years should it be used as something to beat her over the head with.

I didn’t say there necessarily was, I said your phraseology there undermined the rest of what you had to say as it exposed your bias.

It’s not acceptable for the mum to do this but it’s not a race to the bottom. Just because their mum rejects them doesn’t mean their dad/Step mum should do the same

I'm one of those who thinks the DSCs feelings should always be taken into account, but in this specific situation I think it's perfectly okay (in fact sensible) to go without them. They will get their family holiday later.

Why do you come on any thread mentioning DSC to fight on behalf of them? Do you feel duty bound to fight for every single stepchild in the world?

Step-parent means you married someone who already had children, nothing more. Any responsibilities are worked out by the individual families as they see fit, but there are no automatic responsibilities conferred. And there are no rights at all, as PP said.

The impression I get is that the OP is resentful not so much of her SC but of her DH for no longer being able to hold up his end financially. Is that fair @MeanOrJustified?

If so, I totally get that. My DH has been made redundant 7 times over the course of his working life (nature of the business, sadly, lots of small firms that live hand to mouth). Each time he has simply shrugged and got straight on with looking for something else, often very dull, to tide him over until he could get back to something better. If he had moped about for 18 months, particularly in the days when we had small DCs, I think I would have struggled to retain my respect for him. It's self-indulgent when others are depending on you. Is that what's happened here maybe?

Why do you come on any thread mentioning DSC to fight on behalf of them? Do you feel duty bound to fight for every single stepchild in the world?

Are you seeking to make this personal? Why are you here?

Step-parent means you married someone who already had children.

Yes. And those children are your partner’s children (not any old “somebody” - your partner) and you are their step parent- they are not just any other children, they are your step children. This is accurate.

As for the rest of your post- legally a step parent has no particular rights or responsibilities to their step children, nobody disputes this. . That doesn’t mean it’s ok to marry someone with children and then expect your partner to behave as they didn’t have any . Is it illegal? No. Is it unreasonable? Yes. This is AIBU, not a legal advice board.

It doesn't sound like you can actually afford to take the step DC, so I don't see an issue with not taking them. Enjoy the holiday, whether that is with your DH, or a friend. It sounds like you really need the break!

I’m with you op. The misogyny on this thread is unbelievable, expecting you to keep carrying the load for a useless man. He’s a bloody cocklodger with 3 kids in tow and expecting you to fund them.
Do not go into debt for a man that can’t be arsed yo work a decent amount of hours to pay for his kids.

Your life would be much better without him. I suspect the minute you divorce and aren’t bankrolling him, he’ll get a decent paying job. He sounds a bit of dick.

Ill come on holiday with you but I’ll leave my annoying teenager at home 😂😂😂

I would just stick to your guns OP. YOU have won the holiday and he has two options 1. Come on the free holiday with you and your toddler. 2. Stay at home.

The step-children are just not in the equation this time. End of. The usual family holiday is going ahead but the three of you are on this extra break as YOU won it.

Go away with just your toddler DC, leave DH and DSC at home.

Are you friends with a parent that only has one child? You could leave your husband at home and your friend could bring their kid.

That would keep things free and give you and your child some company on the holiday.