AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Holidays you win usually have a stipulation that there is no cash alternative and you can’t gift it on.
You either use it or lose it!

Yes the best solution is you go with your toddler and a friend. Your husband, rightly, does not want to go with one of his children and not the others.

I've been the child who doesn't get invited on the holiday while my younger sibling went skiing every winter and on at least one beach holiday a year.

I got to go on holiday with my mother. It made no difference to the fact that my father did not invite me or want me there.

And yes it is completely fair that every time a dad goes on holiday they invite all their children or none of them. Not pick and choose based on who their mother is.

You don't like your step children and that will affect them so much.

Don’t worry about the ex! 😂

I'm a stepmum and you are not evil in any way shape or form.
Go on the holiday with your husband and toddler
Tell the stepkids the holiday has to be taken in term time what a shame they can't go they will be at school.
You deserve the break plus you won it which makes it even better as it's free
The stepkids holidays are not your responsibility especially as they have been on these types of trips before.

egging the OP on

If any adult were stupid enough to do what a chatboard tells them to do then that's too bad. OP isn't stupid and has posted for views. She is being taken advantage of left and right, katyp, but you carry on with your narrow view as you like.

If you had any sense of balance you'd look at what OP has posted and the unfairness of her position with this millstone husband who isn't concerned about his marriage and you'd maybe not post such nonsense. I'm not posting this specifically to you but the egging on comment is irritating.

This is an easy decision - you won the holiday, there isn't any money available for a theoretical upgrade anyway, so you go on the holiday with your todder and a friend.

Enjoy some time away from the aggro at home and your financial stressed. If your DH can't get his arse in gear, I suspect he'll be an ex-DH shortly anyway.

The main question for me would be whether they would actually enjoy it. Leave out the fact that they’re step kids, if they wouldn’t want to come on a trip that isn’t their thing then don’t bring them. If they’d love it, then maybe try and find a way to include them.

I’ve got a son and two step-kids. The step-kids came on nearly all holidays, I think there was only one where they didn’t come. Now the youngest is the only one at school he is the only one who comes with us and he’s a step child (to me). Just do what works 🤷‍♀️

This! Those poor children, shafted on both sides by parents who dont realise that you cant replace children when your relationship doesnt pan out

This is not about thw holiday. It is just one more thing where you have to pay and plan everything. Just another thing where you can't relax and do what you want. It is the final test for your husband to prove he wants a real marriage and not just a sugar mama.

75% of voters think the OP is NOT being unreasonable, I hope she takes some comfort from this

I agree with OP, seems like the holiday is the final straw. He's happy to earn enough to pay maintenance for his 3 based on 100k, but not willing to pay for his 4th child. OP is doing all of that.

I would leave as you and your DD will be better off financially overall and like you I don't need to depend on anyone to house me or my child or definitely don't to do it for others

This with bells on. Or you, friend and toddler.

The point of the hypothetical question was, how would it make you see your partner.

If the options are leave out your DC while you feel sad about that or get divorced, the relationship is not working on either side.

I'm really sorry you are going through this, it sounds like your relationship is not a happy one and I think you are right to consider divorce and I obviously know this is your real life so don't say that lightly.

Remember that your SC have their mum's home so you are not displacing them; your DH is responsible for maintaining contact with the kids, and he will be able to do that even if he doesn't live in a family home.

Op many parents go on holiday without their own biological kids without the guilt trip, why should you be made to feel differently? There's no where you can leave your toddler. I wish I can go on holiday without my blooming kids, what a bliss that would be. Just go for it. If DH kicks up a fuss, take your dm or a friend or just the toddler and enjoy it.

I dont understand thé flaming tge OP oa getting here

the poor cow is setting herself on fire for a lazy selfish husband (not finding more work, and not adjusting his maintainence to ease pressure) to keep her step family warm.

go on the holiday with your toddler, a friend, whatever you want for a break and use the chill time to plan your exit from this draining mess.

Look, I’m a stepchild and I usually advocate for including stepchildren as much as biological kids. But I don’t see how people expect you to pass up the free holiday / go into debt to take the SC in this case?

“I won a holiday but sadly it’s only covers 3 of us and we can’t afford to upgrade to more people. We can only go away because it’s all paid for. Toddler is too little to leave behind and we will be away while you are at your mum’s, so that’s why. We will have our family holiday camping and have planned a day trip to -X place they will love-”

It’s just the usual YoU kNeW wHaT you WeRe GeTtInG iNtO crowd, who hate to see an SM being anything less than a selfless, willing doormat.

Me neither! MN is bonkers today.

OP I imagine I'm regurgitating a lot of what's been said but I would be mortified if I was your husband. I know a marriage is a partnership / there for the good and bad times but he is absolutely taking the piss. He is treating you so poorly and still expecting more from you. This isn't a family holiday you're excluding your step children from - this is a lovely surprise win of YOURS that you're inviting him to.

The absolute gall to be spending YOUR money after everything else you're paying for. I can't believe he's been out of work so long and he's expecting you to fund his children even more than you're doing already?

For me, if he wants to give his children a family holiday - he needs to get a job and pay for it - not sponge off you.

I'd invite a friend and bin off the husband to be honest. I think he's taken/taking so much from you that I wouldn't be able to get past the resentment.

You can’t afford it at present and that’s a valid reason why the answer is no.

But you obviously have much bigger issues in your marriage and your husband’s financial situation that are the crux of it all. I would explain in stark facts why it’s a no and you can’t go on living like this. It’s time he addresses this.

He is drowning in debt which I am paying off for him. I am paying for almost all of our household costs including couples counselling which is going nowhere. He’s been too down and depressed to get a proper job for eighteen months. I had to cut my maternity leave short to compensate and use up my savings. He now wants to put a holiday for SC on MY credit card instead of letting me have my free break.

Jaws isn't about a shark. This isn't about a holiday.

He is consistently expecting you to step up while he doesn't. You're supporting four children and two adults while he ask for more. Which breeds resentment. That resentment is now at the point where it's swamped any love.

Divorce amicably. But do consider if there is a way to do that where he doesn't move hours away. Your child needs a father.

I think it's very unreasonable to frame this as "we're getting divorced because DH won't let me go on holiday without the step kids". It's unfair on the kids, but mostly it's unreasonable to YOU, more than anything, because it makes you sound petty, when in actual fact this is clearly just the last straw. You don't want to continue living the way you've been living, and you have very good reasons for that.

You would be unreasonable to not take your step children on holiday with you IF DH was pulling his weight emotionally and financially and you were functioning as a family. But he's not, and you're not.

This isn't about the holiday. Don't frame it that way, and don't let DH frame it that way either.

OP, go on holiday with a friend or your parent.
Get out of this marriage asap.
Stol paying for his children.
Lazy arsed man.
You are being used.
Get out of it.

I was a stepchild and I’ll go against the grain of most posters. I don’t actually see a problem with explaining that you won a holiday, are unable to change the prize to allow everyone to go, and one of the conditions is that the trip is taken in term time. I don’t know if you have to make a huge deal of it to the SC. Just play it down, your toddler isn’t old enough to give the game away. However, it’s pretty clear you want out of your marriage. You might have more fun if you went away with your mum or a supportive friend, who could give you some R&R as well. I think I’d just be telling DH you totally understand where he is coming from, so you have asked (insert person here) to come instead.

Tbh I thought that you’re right after your first post but your updates made opinion even more solid.
Its a special holiday you won, it’s your personal treat and you can go with whom you want, you are inviting people, so he needs to behave to be invited himself rather then insisting whom you take. It’s not a family holiday he provides.