AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

I think you should go on the holiday with your child. Have a break, get some rest, and decide whether you want to try and repair your marriage or make a fresh start without him. Good luck with whatever you decide, you sound like you’ve been put in a horrible situation.

If you've been away without SC before and left DS at home I don't see the issue with leaving SC at home this time?

You won a holiday you can't afford so just use the opportunity for a free holiday and go with DP and DS. Then you all go camping. Why get in debt for a holiday you didn't even choose?

Mumsnet seems to hold step mothers to a higher standard than the birth mother at times 🙄

Yes - well said @Chunkychips23

As someone already said, if you take the holiday in term time surely the older SC can't go but the toddler can so that solves the dilemma. Or, does your DH think he can take his kids out of school and pay the fine? Is there only a specific date to take this prize or some flexibility?

You're doing a holiday as a blended family (camping) later in the year so I don't see much wrong with you also having a break as a couple or just with the youngest. Do you expect the SC or their mum to kick off about this or is it just your DH?

Steps mums always get a flaming on here

Do any of the posters who write this, and there will be a dozen on each step parenting thread, ever carry on this thought and wonder why?

This is mumsnet, full of articulate mums who post sage advice on every topic, and yet Steps mums always get a flaming on here

So, isn't it obvious that they are approaching it from a different angle -ie actually thinking about the step child in the scenario?

Originally I was going to say YABU, but the fact that you have won the holiday and not booked it does make a difference in my eyes.

That being said, from your DH's perspective, if it was affordable to add the extras, even by credit card, for such an experience, I would resent you.

Imagine yourself in a situation where you split up with your DH and if 5 years you have a DP who wants to take you away on a holiday but not your daughter because he finds her annoying, and justifies it to you by telling you she probably won't like it anyway. I have no doubt you would be hurt and feel resentful. Would you want to make your husband feel that way?

At the end of the day, if these were your kids you would make it work, even if they were the same ages and temperaments as your DH's.

I think I have reverted to feeling YABU.

He wants YOU to get into debt to pay for a holiday for HIS children which you wouldn't enoy (because he can't afford it himself), instead of going on a holiday you don't have to pay for in order to enjoy your own child?

This man needs some cold, hard facts. If you can be bothered.

I appreciate the responses. I have divorced parents and really didn’t want that for my child but unfortunately things are very bad right now, with no sign of them getting any better.

Luckily I have the flat and the tenants are moving out in a few months anyway, so I can put in notice on the house and move with relatively little trouble. Divorce will be simple. I’m sure DH will blame me for ruining his life, and his ex will hate me too because it’ll mean he has nowhere for SC to live and won’t be able to pay maintenance, so SC will probably hate me too.

I’ve worked really hard to make this a happy home for SC but ultimately DH hasn’t kept up his side of the deal.

It is quite clearly not affordable to add the SC though, is it? Her DH has mounting debt and no job and OP is subsidising everyone and has been for a good while. Suggesting adding extra flights and upgrades, not to mention additional food and entertainment for 3 extra children, onto credit cards when they are already at financial breaking point is lunacy. They can afford to go on the free holiday, precisely because it is free.

What would you expect me to do? Put SC’s costs on a credit card, not enjoy the holiday at all, continue paying for everything indefinitely even though it means I barely see my own child, because that’s what financially benefits SC?

Wouldn't you like to think that OP will treat her kids to holidays and support them to do nice things herself, so those children genuinely wouldn't mind if their stepmum wanted to go on a won holiday without them one time (out of countless other holidays that they've all been on together), and wouldn't take it as a personal attack.

If my children had a caring step parent who made sure they were always included and made to feel welcome and safe and provided for financially, and they were actually kicking off about being "excluded" from a holiday in the circumstances OP describes (in which they haven't actually been excluded at all), I'd be having a harsh word with them about their victim complex and how they should be more appreciative of what they are included with, not ungrateful for times when it's not logistically feasible.

None of this is coming from the kids though.. if DH wants his children to go on holidays like these he should be getting off his lazy arse and find a solution to make it happen, not just doing the bare minimum while OP does everything for all of them.

Op is financially supporting these other children at her own child’s expense. The DH’s pay only covers maintenance for SC at a rate agreed when he earned 100k. Plus his phone bill. He contributes nothing to the household his toddler lives in.

Op has won a holiday and has invited her DH and toddler. There isn’t space for the SC abd there’s no money to pay the upgrade to bring them.

Lay down the law or divorce him. When he starts contributing to your toddler equally, worry about equality then.

Oh and he wants to put the extra cost on OP’s credit card. You’re having a laugh!

What they are often doing is making wild assumptions based on lack of understanding of actual real life scenarios, assuming the worst in step mums, holding them to higher levels of accountability, not allowing them to have bad days or to vent because ' you married a man with kids'

If only everyone had a crystal ball eh?

All those 'articulate mums' on MN could ABSOLUTELY be more supporting of step parents, even the dedicated board isn't really a safe place and that is really sad.

Not when the holiday itself is a very sore point. He will likely just resent being there, and in turn will OP. The ship had sailed for it to benefit them.

If it was a case of go on holiday without DD or get divorced and make her homeless, I’d choose the former. But I wouldn’t be in that position where I’m reliant on someone else to house my child.

I'm in agreement with you, OP. This holiday is one that you badly need and your husband should go with you and his third child, your toddler, with a good grace.

The step children are not taken away by their own mother and the usual 'marry a man with children and give over your life to them' have nothing to say about that. Ignore them because as you rightly say, you're paying for everyone right now, including the step children and if your marriage is rocky and your husband carries on doing nothing then he won't have a marriage and you won't have to consider the step children at all.

Take this holiday, you need it and your toddler will enjoy it.

I read on here so often about women getting together with a man with children and playing happy families until their first child comes along, then suddenly they are not interested in the SC.
You will always favour your own children, I don't think anyone would say otherwise, but these posts always seem to sad to me, especially when, in this case, the SC have clearly been part of 'family' holidays in the past.
And of course, this being MN, many posters are egging the OP on as if the SC are just collateral damage. Sad.

He needs to be made aware you are very seriously considering divorce and cannot keep subsidising the entire family.

If you do leave will he also be paying you child maintenance based on his previous wage of 100k ? Fair is bloody fair. He needs to get his entire arse in reality or face a very stiff learning curve. You can’t be the one taking blame for him not picking up the pieces of his life

If you did leave the SC behind and go on this holiday with just your toddler and your ‘D’H, all the issues that have put such strain on your relationship will still be there when you get back. If you take the SC, the issues will be compounded by more debt.

This isn’t anything to do with the SC, it’s your husband dealing with unemployment, depression, stress etc and you having to support him rather than looking after yourself and being supported by him as per a standard marriage. Will a short luxury holiday solve that?

Cash in the holiday, use the money for some proper counselling or childcare solutions for all of the kids and try to sort your marriage out.

The problem isn’t your SC it’s your DH.
You’ve won a holiday. You already have a holiday planned. The SC aren’t going to be scarred for life if they don’t go on the holiday you’ve won.
They already have two parents who aren’t providing foreign holidays. Why should you put the rest of it on a credit card it’s bloody ridiculous?
I would go with just you and your toddler. Just the two of you. Enjoy some time together and have a break.
His children have more problems than missing a beach holiday. It’s clear there are issues here again that aren’t your job to sort.
It sounds like you are doing more than enough and are being taken for granted both by DH and his ex.
I do feel sorry for the SC and while you can support and offer help, it’s not your job to be their mother. They have a mother.
See the holiday as a gift and a sign, and don’t be bulldozed.

I'm with you op. You sound at the end of your tether. I think you and toddler should go. Maybe take a friend if you want. Make it clear to DH that there will be a serious talk when you get back. That's if you decide you want to work it out.

Disclaimer: I was (am) a SC to my step mum and my dad went away with my SM and much younger half brother to places I'd never go with my single mum (Disney world, road trip around New Zealand etc). I'm not traumatised by it. I recognised them as a family unit and I was also included in lots of other things with them so never held it against them that they did stuff without me.

Jesus you sound thoroughly fed up and done in. I would go on my own and ask him to use the time I’m away to think about a road back for you both otherwise you might consider making the separation permanent. He sounds totally oblivious to how close to the edge he has pushed you right now and it sounds like he might need a little shock to realise that. He’s behaving like a cocklodger not a husband.

The way I see it - this is a financial not fairness-related decision

you won a holiday you would not otherwise have booked or paid for

So why would you then pay more (by going in to debt), for something you wouldn’t have done in the first instance had you not won it? I wouldn’t be going at all if I had to do that.

you should go under current terms - none of the other circumstances matter. If DH doesn’t want to join, bring a friend or have a lovely holiday with your toddler.

all of this helped by the fact you already have a nice full family holiday planned for later

What would you expect me to do? Put SC’s costs on a credit card, not enjoy the holiday at all, continue paying for everything indefinitely even though it means I barely see my own child, because that’s what financially benefits SC?

Well the horse has already bolted for you, and you now find yourself in a horrible and untenable situation, but what I would like people to consider more at the start of any relationship, is whether they are cut out for stepparenting and have the capacity to treat them as their own. I don't, so I won't date a bloke with kids because I know it wouldn't be fair on his kids.