AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

I've read all the OP's posts and can't help but think that the holiday is a red herring. She is fed up of supporting her husband, who appears to be doing little to better his situation. From her comments and reading between the lines, I suspect he also does little around the home and with any of the children. There is clearly a growing resentment of the DH, and I suspect the OP has probably lost respect for him which I personally think signals the end.

If he was either trying to gain employment or was taking an active role in running things on the home side, the picture may be different.

In general terms, I think that if you chose to have kids with a man who already has children and there are always going to be issues and understand that he should always feel like all his children are equally important - often compounded by the guilt of no longer being the RP. It doesn't matter what they get from the other family, they should be treated the same by their dad. It is a main reason why I will date, but never move a man in with my children. They remain my priority and I do not want to have to look after other children that are not mine.

However, I think in this case the OP was maybe viewing this holiday as a last chance to try to resolve some issues with her DH. But in her shoes, I would ditch him and take a friend, so that I could have some time to think and decide what I was going to do. What is one more, last ditch conversation going to achieve that these last few years of conversation and therapy have not ? Things may change for a bit, but it wouldn't last or they would have changed by now.

You can't afford it. I wouldn't take them at all.

If their Mum can go abroad without them then surely so can you???

You sound utterly ghastly

You sound deranged. Read the thread properly. He didn't and hasn't left his children. The first wife left him.

@Hwi

Alternatively to posters being obliged to give a backstory that isn’t actually relevant to the issue at hand, you could try not making things up before responding? Just an idea.

Yes, I can be, but so can everyone else, in case you have not noticed.

They can't afford to add the extra 2 children to the holidays without putting it on a credit card which the OP will have to pay off, not the father as he's working part time hours.

YANBU, given the background to the situation that you outlined. Your DH's ex isn't getting slammed for going abroad without her kids but you are? Ridiculous!

Secondly, you've said it's not the type of holiday your SC would actually enjoy (which may well be why their mum goes on her own whilst they are staying with you). Who the fuck wants to spend a badly needed holiday sitting on a beach with whingeing, whining, arguing kids even if they're your bio kids?? I wouldn't do it, especially given it's going to cost you money you can barely afford. You sound burnt out and like you've been running on empty for a while now. I'd play hardball and go without your spendthrift DH. I'd also consider leaving the toddler with him: they don't always enjoy the heat and sand as much as you'd think they would and if your toddler hates it there, it's going to be just as bad as having your 3 complaining SC there. I think the way your DH is suggesting putting the extra cost for taking the 2 kids not covered by the prize on your credit cards quite despicable given he's not exactly properly supporting any of his bio kids at the moment.

Finally a voice of reason. I absolutely agree.

i think it’s quite often the adults in the situation projecting their emotions onto the children in this scenario. Often driven by resentment and jealousy.
My ex holidays often without my dd but takes his younger dc from his new relationship. My dd couldn’t care less.
But on the other hand my DH’s ex wife appears to be obsessed with our life and our holidays and I can imagine she’d be the first in line to shout about unfairness in a similar scenario.

Go with your child and ask someone else to get with you, otherwise enjoy the two of you.

Leave DH at home.

I just wouldn’t go. I would just let the holiday go and not claim the prize. I totally see your point of view.

There's a lot of hand-wringing on this thread, but people forget that whilst ALL the children in this scenario are the OP's DH's, we're talking about two households here, and the two won't always operate in sync? And its already been mentioned that the father has taken the older children away without the toddler, so why can't the reverse apply here, particularly as its a prize, rather than a hard-saved-for holiday??

Except you won a family holiday and he is your family

Having read her posts it seems to me that this man is not treating the op like family, she is merely a nurse with a purse / sugar mummy to him.
OP, this man has deliberately turned himself into a millstone around your neck, you should cut yourself loose before he takes you all down with him.

You've basically been fucked over by useless bio parents who want you as a step mum to make up for their feckless behaviour.

Another post explaining why I will never subject my children to a ‘blended family’.

Better than a man with three kids?

Better than THIS man with three kids

It's really simple this. Neither of the scissors parents can afford to pay for them to go. So sadly they don't go. That's unfortunate for them.

If your dh wants then to go, he gets a better job and pays for them to go. If he doesn't want a holiday without them, he stays and take someone else, or go alone with your toddler. And while you are there have a good long think about your marriage cos I bet without him you can afford more lovely holidays with your child.

Better than a man who has opted out of supporting his family.

I wonder what his next wife will do when you’re kids inconvenience her?

Mumsnet seems to hold step mothers to a higher standard than the birth mother at times 🙄

You won a holiday, but can’t afford to take the stepkids. You shouldn’t have to miss out on a much needed break. Such is the way of life that they’ll be included sometimes and excluded at others.

My DH does things with just his older kids all the time. And he’ll do things with just our toddler. Nobody feels left out. His older children certainly don’t feel like they’re being rejected or they’re being replaced.

My parents often went on holiday without me and my sibling. It didn’t cause any trauma

Eek, I was already in the NBU camp, this just makes it worse. I've been on holidays just me and my daughter since she was 3 - maybe do that and leave him at home? (Then LEAVE leave him when you get home 😂)

Steps mums always get a flaming on here. I have booked a holiday without my step kids this year, after paying the total cost of the holidays for all for the last 3 years. I simply cannot afford to take them and why should my kids miss out?

I would not get into debt over a holiday, so go with friends instead if he doesn't want to come. But to me, the step kids should understand ( and i would take this holiday during term time so it is quieter too ) If their mum leaves them behind then why can't you this one time?