AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Op i hope this message gets to you. Please ignore other posters it's not down to you to finance your sc. You need this holiday you won it. Please dont give in. Sc don't need to always go. We didn't take my ds last year he was 16 nd his behaviour had been shocking. He went away with his df afew weeks later but we are now dealing with a spoilt child who had double of everything with zero desire to get apart job and apply himself fully. His df isn't now taking him away this year

It's not about the holiday, is it? The holiday has just brought the underlying problems into sharp focus.

You've had 18 months of a different man from the one you married. And yes, the vows include 'for better or worse' - but they don't include 'and drive myself into the ground'.

Taking the three SC needs money that you just don't have. You are struggling financially, and putting such costs on a credit card, which you will then struggle to repay, is a very bad idea. You say he is "drowning in debt which I am paying off for him" - and now he wants you to drown alongside him (he "wants to put a holiday for SC on MY credit card")? No. The prime rule of First Aid is that you do not endanger yourself, because that just leads to the next aider who comes along having two people to rescue. Same here - you can be no help to him if you allow him to strongarm you in the same (sinking) boat.

I'm imagining your response to winning this holiday. Apart from the pleasure of winning a free holiday, I suspect it represented hope to you. Hope of a break from the current grind, hope of a relationship reset, hope of recharging your batteries before 'once more unto the breach'. Hope. And then he dashed your hope, which has not just upset you; I'm hearing real DISTRESS in your posts. Because losing hope is far worse than never having hoped at all. FAR worse.

I think it's probably time to reassess your future, and I don't really think he has a place in it, as he is now. I would go on this holiday; but not with him. Take a friend or take your mum, enjoy some carefree time with your daughter, recharge your batteries. Then come home and tackle your relationship. But absolutely do not get into debt for a frankly unsuitable non-holiday that would definitely result in a divorce.

But you took HIM on, this loser who left his 3 children!!!! Can't you see? So his children, who are a part of him, should now occupy your thoughts too, no?

How do you know the bio mum didn't leave him for her new bf that she had more kids with?

The SC's mother goes on holiday abroad with her new partner and the 2 more children she's had since, but leaves the first 3 DC with the OP and their Dad.
The SC's own mother doesn't treat ALL of her 5 DC the same.

Kids’ club and watersports don’t come for free…

The hotel doesn't have a kids club? Most all-inclusive hotels will have some sort of activity programme that can be joined in for free. Sometimes watersports can be fairly cheap for rentals on the beach. Or the kids can just play in the pool, or play footie on the beach with new found friends. Kids that age usually love this kind of holiday

Either way, this is all irrelevant. If you can't afford for them to go, then they can't go. But that doesn't mean it's ok to expect your DH to go without them. So he can stay home and you go on your own.

Fair point, I don't know. However what I do know from people posting on here, that a rare sm would miss the opportunity of harping on about 'his ex and her man'.

Wow, how did you land this prince?

Why are you judging @MeanOrJustified in this? she is the SM, sure, but it's not her responsibility to ensure her H kids get a holiday, fuck, she is already working 60 hours a week to cover all the bills so that the H can only cover his ex wife's maintenance. The ex that also doesn't work.

Fuck me, neither one of these parents are stepping up for their own kids. That i tragic, but not any fault of @MeanOrJustified

Definitely don’t take them in your state of mind it would be a disaster and lead to upsetting scenes for everyone.

Personally can’t think of anything worse than a man with three (three!!) kids already admire anyone that can be a step parent know I couldn’t do it. I can just about bear my own on holiday and that’s only just.

@MeanOrJustified
I would say that the real or underlying reason that your husband wanted to have a child with you is that he knew it would tie you to him and make it easier for him to work everything to his advantage.
You are now locked into a very difficult situation because of the conflicting loyalties.

I think you are being YABU to give your H an ultimatum - either go with you and child or divorce is on the cards. But YANBU you shouldn't have to go into debt to subsidise his children.

Maybe a week away on the trip, just you and DC, is the time you need to make some decisions about your future.

I’m sure the OP would be delighted if he did and at the same time, increase his earnings so he can pay for his children’s day to day expenses when they stay with him, maybe even also contribute to the rent, living costs, childcare for their joint child, food, household bills, etc. And not expect his wife to work 60 hours a week to keep the family, including her SC afloat.

But given her DH opts to work very part time hours - in fact, just enough to pay maintenance for his children and his phone bill, I can’t see that happening anytime soon.

You WON it! It's a TREAT! I'm sorry, but in a situation like this, I would NOT expect to have to incur a debt just so other children would be included! You ARE taking them on a holiday, already planned, that's enough. Stand firm, you go as 3, or you leave H behind and take a mate. Or your mam and dad. If H's ex won a holiday, do you think she'd be taking YOUR child? Children don't have to be included in everything!

Op I think you should rename your thread 'to not want to take on debt in my name to take sc on holiday'

This is exactly what happened…

Feck no!

Sounds like op doing quite enough to fund all
these kids her lazy Dh has chosen to sire with someone else. I definitely would not take them and I wouldn’t feel bad about it either.

I would divorce.
As a mom of three with a big age gap between the second and third, I know holidays can be tough.
But regular families don't have the option of ditching their most annoying/difficult children. To have a nicer break.
I spend enormous amounts of time trying to create holidays that meet the needs of each child and yes, often, that means it's nothing like the holiday id choose if it was just me and my husband.
But the point is, I created a family unit and unfairness and division is poison in a family. I tend to live by the adage...'when it comes to a choice between pleasure and duty, always choose duty. It will be more rewarding in the end.'
That does tend to be true...with managed expectations and high tolerance levels, we've had some amazing, memorable trips together.
If you get your way on this your husband and stepchildren will never forget it and your marriage/relationship with them is over anyway.
I have in the past gone away for a weekend with just my husband. But that was when the kids were younger and they all stayed and had a lovely weekend with nanny.
I have been away with friends for a long weekend and all the kids then stayed at home with my husband.
But the point is, they all stayed together and none of them were favoured.
I've known so many adults who grew up in stepfamilies and probably only a couple where they didn't hate the step parent. The amount of love that it takes to bring up a child and make the necessary sacrifices will always...it can't be replicated with stepchildren. Because the sacrifices are enormous and are only made manageable through the visceral love a parent feels for their own child. (Obviously there are loads of generally shit parents too, but as a general principal).

I wasn’t a step child, nor am I a step parent - but I think it’s perfectly fine to have a holiday with some family members and not others. Everyone doesn’t have to join in everything all the time.

Growing up, I didn’t go on some holidays, my siblings didn’t go on others, sometimes it was just me and my dad, often my dad couldn’t come.
I actually can only recall one holiday with both parents and all my siblings there.

As an adult, I’ve had days out and holidays with DC and without DH, or with just one DC, and they’ve all gone places without me. It’s completely normal! Nobody feels left out or hard done by, as it all even out in the end anyway.

He cannot afford to add the children, so the children can’t get added. It’s not even a debate. He either goes and has a nice time with you and makes it up to the children, while helping them understand it wasn’t negotiable as a one-time prize win for set-people situation. Or you go with a friend and seriously consider if you want to continue subsidising this man, who cannot prioritise you even after all you’ve done to keep him afloat.

He didn’t leave his children but nice made up narrative.

No it won't. But it might facilitate them having some sensible conversations about whether they want to salvage it. And if they do, what needs to be done. A marriage isn't saved by one single action, but by many incremental steps over many months.

Sharing a room with 4 kids and adding to their credit card debt will directly prevent any of that happening. But maybe that is what he is hoping to achieve.

Have you posted recently about something similar to this. I seem to remember a very recent thread where the OP still had her own flat and was having problems with DH and DSC. If it wasn't you maybe worth seeing if you can find it and see what advice was given

I am so sorry, I must have read it wrong - his children left him, the bastards - was my first post, but now I have read what you said, apologies, I must have really read it wrong. In fairness, would be good if posters were to write 'I am not OW, bio mum left bio dad for a new chap.'

In this case, genuine apologies about my previous post as well - where he has to take them to Disney land till they are 60. Not fair.

In this case I don't know what to advise and I shall shut up.