AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Hopefully not, the op deserves much better

He’s gone away with SC and not the toddler a few times in the past, to do things they’d enjoy which aren’t easy with a toddler like theme parks. In fact, last year we both went camping with SC and left toddler with my parents.
Based on this YANBU. There is a track record of facilitating good times for the SC. Also, you can't afford to take them.

@MeanOrJustified yes if you divorce it will be all on dad (or his new gf) to have the kids at the same time and provide 'fair' holidays for them.
I just meant that if step kids to get super jealous of your daughter they might exclude her or be mean to her after the split, during daddy time. I don't think the holiday will cause this (especially if you don't tell them/it's in term time) but other things might/ just something to hold in mind as you'd want her to feel like a full sibling when she goes to stay with her dad and half siblings.

It sounds like you'll be able to give her a better life . My main worry for you is that he could argue as the unemployed layabout he is the main carer so he should keep your toddler more and claim maintenance from you- seek legal advice to ensure this doesn't happen

I absolutely see where you're coming from, but it does seem a bit mean to take your shared child and not them. It could make them feel as though they're being pushed out.

That being said, you seem to think they wouldn't enjoy it anyway - so why not have a chat with them and see if they even want to come? Holiday with parents isn't always "cool" at that age!

The fuck?

i see this loud and clear too. he has let this situation get to crunch by not doing whatever the fuck it takes to put money in the pot. working delivery shifts barely doing anything most of the week when your wife cuts her maternity short, is working 60 hours a week and bailing this broke arse, AND facilitating the ALSO not working Ex wife with the maintenance

Shame on him. That is not a man, that is not a father.

I do feel sorry for the kids because nobody takes them away apparently, but that is on THEIR PARENTS, not @MeanOrJustified

Well, I agree that he has no right to ask his wife to pick up the tab for the extra costs. But if he can't afford to pay the extra, then he should stay home, not just take one child. It's not ok to just take one of his children because he can't afford to take all four.

It sounds like the conversations about this holiday have shone a light on a lot of unfairness in your marriage and your set up with kids and finances. I think the suggestions to leave all the kids with him and go away with a friend instead are very sensible. You’re right that it would be crazy for you to put the cost of taking the step kids on your credit card. Good luck whatever you decide.

That's on him though isn't it? He should tell his wife he can't go because it's not fair if all his kids don't come, rather than what he's actually doing, which is telling her to get into debt to add his other kids to a holiday that will then become expensive and let's face it really stressful for her.

She’s in full time nursery so that won’t happen but thanks for the concern. He won’t be able to afford to stay living in our city and will probably move back to his parents’ which is hours away anyway.

SC like their little sister but aren’t that fussed about her really, and I expect that’ll continue.

Have you read the full thread?
It's just not that simple.

I don't think you hate your SC. You are just at the end if your tether trying to cope with long hours to pay for everything. Now you have the chance of a nice holiday and DH is changing the goal posts and making it a not nice holiday. Stick to your guns. Just you and the toddler go if necessary and decide if you really want to continue with this marriage.

You describe his kids as preteens. The 12 year is of yes, the 11 year old almost. The 8 year old is a little boy/girl, not a pre teen.

He’s not taking anyone on holiday though, is he? He’s not paying for anything and he hasn’t won anything.

He’s gone away with SC and not the toddler a few times in the past, to do things they’d enjoy which aren’t easy with a toddler like theme parks. In fact, last year we both went camping with SC and left toddler with my parents.

Which is fine, it makes no sense to take a toddler to a theme park etc that they wouldn't enjoy. But a day out at a theme park, or a trip camping is not the same as an all-inclusive holiday abroad, which I'm sure that all the children would enjoy. I don't really believe that the SC children would hate this kind of holiday. Most kids I know love this kind of holiday - they can still be active, swimming, watersports, often some kind of kids/sports club etc.

Wow poor kids.

Their mother and stepmother would rather holiday without them.

Hopefully their dad can save a bit of money and treat them to a nice holiday without a toddler in tow.

Kids’ club and watersports don’t come for free…

I’m sure if we had an extra £5-10k to throw at it, we could make it a holiday they’d enjoy.

I agree with this.

There’s no perfect solution here, but I’d say you have bigger problems than who goes on the free holiday.

You seem - quite reasonably - at the end of your rope with DH (and the SC, who sound like “collateral damage” to the more fundamental issue of you carrying all the financial load). The fact that he is only working limited hours is a red flag, as is his reluctance to have a holiday which enables you to talk and spend potentially “marriage saving” time alone. Even more so because you’re already in couples’ counselling.

I suspect if he wanted or could be bothered to make the marriage work, he would facilitate the kind of holiday you want. He’s not doing anything to benefit you personally or help your marriage, so why should you? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. I’d go on holiday with a girlfriend and leave the toddler at home with DH - it’ll be good practice for after the divorce, which seems pretty inevitable.

No, I agree he isn't, and I accept that he has no right to ask you to pay extra for it. But I can also understand that he doesn't want to leave any of his children out. So it would be best for you to go just you and the toddler. If he can't accept that, then it's a problem. But it's not fair for you to say that he needs to prioritise you over his kids, that's not ok.

Yeah hopefully he can, that's HIS responsibility

He left his 3 children and went on to have one more with you, when his own children were so young? Nothing can make amends for what he did, but dads like that should take their original children on holidays till their children are in their 60s and still it won't be enough.

Thank FUCK you still have that flat @MeanOrJustified you are going to need it love.

I get that you are being made to feel responsible, but really you are the one financing and supporting 2 family units. Your H has chosen to prioritise his DC over your family unit by not stepping up to support both family units and is expecting you and your assets to cover it all. He is totally selfish.

You are doing counselling, but i don't think this will make any difference, I think you do need to come to terms with the fact that it may be time for you to call time on this relationship.

Why? because as you say this isn't what you signed up for, and the for better and for worse was NOT only on you to fulfil, he needs to do whatever the fuck it takes to earn enough for all his kids, and not mooch off you for everything AND on top of this, pressure you to shoulder MORE debt to take kids away who would not enjoy it anyway.

I say you can offer that he goes with you and the toddler, or not at all and you will take a friend and see him when you get back. it might be the boot up the arse he needs to see you moving on.

It's a risk though, you may see how much more simple life is without him.

Whatever happens, this is not your failure, you have gone above and beyond to keep this show on the road, he has not. You need to come to terms with the next phase of your life. Yu can do this, you really can.

Work out the numbers, give notice to the tenants, give notice on your house and start getting your own life back. it will be ok.

Op I have read your update re the housing situation. Well done you that your owned home isn't the marital home. It sounds like you're well set up that you and your toddler can move back into your flat in peace and you can spend your money on her only, not four other people.

My only worry for you is him trying to keep your child more than you have them due to your long working hours. Get a plan carefully perhaps so that when you can reduce hours at work (if possible) coincides with when your flat is free and the lease on the house is up.

I think you should end your marriage, not fuss about who goes on holiday and when.