AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Op you've said you lay the mortgage and also that you rent? Which one?

It is when he's expecting his wife to pick up the tab for the extra holiday costs. And in fact, all the costs, as he's currently massively in debt and not contributing to the household.

OP has always said that dad would be taking his DC out in the evening whilst she sits alone with an asleep toddler. And that he also takes them to theme parks without toddler. Equity runs both ways…. But not here
I’d go with my friend and take the time to evaluate my future tbh

I'm sure she makes at least that as a lawyer

I honestly can't believe some of these responses - I'd be as annoyed as you are with this situation OP. Either go with him and your little one or find another adult who'd holiday with you. If he isnt happy with one of these situations playing out that would be a huge red flag for me. And he needs to step up re his work and money situation.

Do you really think a holiday abroad with your toddler is going to save your marriage?

You are obviously (and maybe justifiably) so angry with your DH, it seems the relationship has broken down.

You’re basically saying he agrees to your way or it’s a divorce, give him the option, but I don’t think it’s the way to sort the issues out. Issuing ultimatums like that.

Your posts also are a bit confusing, you’ve got a mortgage, but you’re renting?

Only if she worked in some kind of fancy London corporate firm.

Average solicitor salary in the UK is less than £50k.

It's nowhere near as well paying for most as people think

How ridiculous saying they all have to be treated the same. There's no way I'm paying for four kids to go away instead of just one.

No, as you won the holiday, and it would be you paying the credit card off, and they’re his kids, not yours

Go and enjoy. If he feels that strongly, take a friend and he can stay home with his DC

@MeanOrJustified my goodness op you’re having a hard time here! Frankly I think you’re absolutely right to insist on either a holiday just for you three as a family, or a divorce. Tbh, with the load of resentment you’re carrying, a divorce looks like the best option. You’ve had to cut short your mat leave, you’ve got the dsc every weekend and holiday, a depressed unemployed h who won’t engage with counselling, you’re burning through your savings paying for practically everything….this holiday hooha seems like the final straw. Put it on YOUR credit card ? Nah. Dh and his ex seem to be taking the piss, and you’re getting a hard time from so many on here which I think is v unfair. I think you really deserve a lovely holiday with your toddler without having to deal with the dsc for a change.

i wouldn’t take them, sounds like it would be a nightmare.

However, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with a man with young children because I know I wouldn’t want to be around them as much as a decent father would want to be his children. I would also be furious and resentful if he tried to leave my children out of a lovely holiday.

Yes we clearly do. The Op should be able to enjoy a holiday she won with Just her biological child and not be made too feel liked crap. Sounds as if she does enough for them anyway

Op I honestly think all men go through a weird depression/ midlife thing that isn’t talked about in the way we now talk about menopause/peri. I would assume at some stage he’ll be fed up with how things have turned and go back to a job similar to the one he previously had. I don’t envy you on the front of this holiday- myself and dh are having huge issues and all the chances I assumed would be The One That Cleared Everything Up- really weren’t, and if he’s too bitter about his kids not coming it’s going to be an added layer piled on top of your expectations. You are talking about divorce at the same time as say this holiday is a chance for you. Whatever you decide to do on the holiday front, sit down now and lay everything out. Figure out if you still love each other, if you can and are willing to make it work. Remember why you got together and both of you take a breath. Everything is too highly charged

He sounds like a cocklodger!

I am sad for his kids though, seems neither parent cares enough. I would have said treat them equally if I hadn't read your updates. In any case you took them on holiday before without your baby so it seems you have been fair and then some.

I'm sorry he's let you down!

I had exactly the same experience with my stepfather. He resented my existence and it has had lifelong repercussions for me.

You should go with your divorce lawyer and spend the week working out how to get rid of the freeloading cock lodger.....

He has no respect for you and sees you as a maid/cash machine.

Cut him loose....

If your husband goes abroad and only take one of his three children on holiday he is a shit father. To your child as well as his older ones.

op you are at the brink of divorce so just do whatever suits you. If you go with them you will resent and seethe the entire trip - a once in a lifetime trip with your own child will be ruined and you would be in even more debt over this. How would you possibly enjoy that? Not to mention 3 kids fighting and ruining everything. You are not obligated to pay for them when THEIR OWN MOTHER doesn't care to take them with her. So dont hold yourself to a standard higher than her for no thanks. There would be no way that I would pay for 3 people to come along who would ruin the holiday. They are still going away for 10 days when you get back. Really just take a friend and leave your dh behind, if you separate you would be doing that anyway. He will come and mope around in any case. You dont have to be fair and equal at the expense of your own child and going into debt. Not worth it at all.

Is there nothing that people don't want to blame her for? How many competitions have a prize that is for 2 adults and 4 kids? I am pretty sure the answer is none. It is not unreasonable for OP to enter a competition to fit her nuclear family. Affording to bring the other 3 along is on her not-so-D-H. He can't. And that is not her responsibility to manage.

Both, I have a flat which is mortgaged and we rent the shared family home. I was planning to sell the flat to put towards us buying a home when he lost his job so it’s been rented out instead. The proceeds are going on paying his half of our rent currently.

I think you’re getting a hard time here but it’s clearly not about the holiday, it’s about your husband being unable to hold space for your needs and wants when you’ve spent however long prioritising everyone but yourself, and making him and the kid’s mother’s lives easier. That’s not to say I don’t feel sorry for the children, as clearly their mum and dad are both very selfish, but I don’t think you deserve to be the person expected to make up for their deficits and to suffer consistently because of them.

Please will some of you actually read the posts the Op has made especially the last poster - the Dad can't afford to take anyone abroad he is expecting the Op to pay for his children because he can;t pay for anything himself. Read what she is saying before you post bashing her as a SM - their own mother doesnt take them abroad but takes her other children - go abroad on your own OP or with a friend or with your husband to try and salvage your relationship but do not pay for your SC if their own Dad can;t afford to!

A holiday won’t save this marriage.

No, why are women not supposed to prioritise themselves? You've won a holiday, by the sounds of it one you wouldn't usually be able to go on so choose yourself and choose your companions wisely.

Perhaps this is the holiday you need to reassess things in your life that aren't working for you. Don't be swayed by the MN drum that tells you you're an awful human if you aren't falling over your step kids at every opportunity.

You aren't just a mother a step parent and a wife and it's important you remind yourself of that and take time to make yourself a priority at times.

Go on the holiday (without any of them!) and make sure you enjoy it!

To be honest if I’d won this I would leave all the kids and DH at home and go with my best friend. That way no one gets upset, it doesn’t create a divide between the children, and I get some much needed time off.