AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

The replies in this thread are getting more and more ridiculous. Now posters up in arms because they feel the OP shouldn’t have entered the competition, knowing it wouldn’t include her SC, if she won.

Haven’t we all entered competitions not even knowing what the prizes are - a friend or relative selling raffle tickets to support their local club or school. Maybe it was work related. Or buy this and you’ll be entered into a draw. Or a simple online thing, tag a friend and leave a comment.

But now we’ve all to make sure that the prize will benefit everyone is our family, including SC before we enter.

Madness to increase your debts for a holiday. I wouldn't do that either.

Given that you are working FT and he is not, I assume he is all over the household admin, cooking and cleaning...

Honestly, I would take a friend or your mum and your toddler and have a break and a think about the future of your marriage. And ask your DH to think about it too during your absence.

I think you're being unreasonable and quite selfish.
How would you feel if it was your toddler being left out because your husband finds them stressful?
The children will know you've gone away on holiday without them. If i was your DH I would be concerned about your attitude towards his children "its not relaxing to be around them" there are bigger issues here.

If we divorce then our toddler’s life with me is completely separate to SC’s life with their mum and would probably be quite drastically different.

It'd be up to their dad to make their lives equal when they’re with him.

Of course it's couple time, if it's just the three they will focus on being hands on together with the toddler, take turns to swim with the baby while the other can read a book, go to the loo or gym while the other has the toddler, and have cocktails or sex while the toddler naps. Generally have a nice relaxing time.

If the big kids are there op will be alone with her toddler all day while dad goes off to play tennis or swim in the sea with them and she won't have a relaxing holiday or see much of her DH

Go away with a friend/family member and your toddler. Leave your husband. This relationship has obviously passed its sell by date. And no, you don't need to pay for his children - they are his responsibility. Good luck x

If mum doesn't take them abroad do they have passports?

I can see this from both sides and I don't think there is a perfect solution.

Would mum contribute to the older children's costs?

What sort of resort is it? Or do you have a choice? Some places have lots of activities for teens, others not so much.

What is the relationship like between the oldest and your toddler? You might be able to get them to take the toddler off for a bit.

Also what do the oldest think / want? At that age I would have loved someone to take my brother on holiday and leave me at home?

You state in a later post you’re renting but in this post you say you’re paying the mortgage?

You can't leave kids this age out like this. If you want a relaxing life, don't get with a man who had kids already.

I’m completely with you and do not think k you’re being unreasonable. Where we are apart is in thinking that this short holiday will do something for your marriage that couples counselling hasn’t managed. I would take a friend or your mum away with you, leave DH and SC at home, and think about a) how the holiday feels with just you and toddler and no DH or SC and b) what your marriage is currently bringing to your life and your toddler’s life.

Your DH may be a good dad (I assume you said this somewhere as I’m not sure a MN thread about a woeful man can exist without this said at least once) but it doesn’t come across as though he’s a good husband. A good husband doesn’t leave the financial burden of feeding and housing 2 adults and 4 children on you. Actually, a good dad doesn’t do that either.

I think you need to plan to divorce but approach your husband as the holiday being a last ditch attempt to save your marriage and that you simply will not take any more debt to expand holiday to SC as debt is a big reason you have problems in your marriage and you cannot work on marriage with SC there. If you save the marriage there will be future holidays and if he wants to plan his own holiday funded by him with SC he can.

Sending a lot of sympathy. You clearly couldn’t know that the man you met and married who was apparently financially sensible would turn into this giant leach who would try get you to fund his SC and him. The SC are not your responsibility but he has made them your financial responsibility as effectively he pays for his children by making you pay for everything else.

This is a husband issue and not the SC. I think you should lay it on the line for him - be the man you met, fell in love with and married and contribute financially and emotionally to your marriage - or divorce.

This post you’re renting?

If I were you after the updates you have posted I'd rather go with a friend who has a kid sounds like you need space and to recharge

From the OP, I thought you were horribly unreasonable. From the updates, I completely agree with you.

It's not a holiday for you if you are caring for 4 kids. Your marriage is hanging by a thread and you are working every hour God sends and need a break. Their own mother doesn't take them so she has a holiday.

Nobody is helped here if you reach breaking point. You're the breadwinner and caring for 3 step kids plus a toddler. You are also keeping the maintenance the same despite their father being presently unwaged. You are doing your best.

I should add that I am a stepchild, and never a step-parent. Yes, I'd be hurt. But I would accept it if told it was a holiday you won, and the baby is free but older kids would cost, and Dad isn't working right now. Which is true, if phrased a tiny bit misleadingly (you could take one, but not all, kids - otherwise true).

A divorce will fail everyone. And you are the working goose laying all the golden eggs - sounds like you desperately need that break.

OP has been on holiday with her DH and step-children and left her toddler with her mum as the holiday wasn't suitable for them.

I agree. If he continues this line, do that instead. Do you have a good friend who is great with the toddler and would give you some sleep?

I couldn’t edit my post for some reason. Just clarifying that I am a stepdaughter rather than a stepdad.

You’re talking like the holiday could save a marriage? I very much doubt that’s the case. Kids there or no kids there, a week in the sun will not save a marriage. You need to divorce.

I don't think you can afford to add an extra two children to the booking can you? I would do just the three of you.

You sound absolutely exhausted and fed up op, and I'm not surprised.

I think where people struggle with sympathy for these situations is that you knew he had 3 kids and you pushed on regardless. I am quite sure that back when you first got together, someone sage in your life would have queried whether it was a good idea, (very similar to relationships with much older men) and you would have dismissed their opinion.

And then when you feel the consequences of your actions, it's not just you that gets hurt by this. It's the step kids too who are not responsible for any of it, but are spending their formative years discovering that no one wants them.

That's why step parents get short shrift.

Given all your updates, I would go on holiday with a friend and their child, and get a divorce.

Go on the holiday the 3 of you. You won he holiday and will be taking your immediate family. DH doesn’t get to add on his kids that you can’t afford to take. Have the holiday and bond and repair your marriage. Tell him that’s what’s happening, he either goes or stays home.

Definitely leave!
Please take me and my toddler on the holiday!

So who is going to pay for the sc whilst you’re away ? Have you got to pay for all their food and any extras they want ?

Tbh I think putting the holiday aside you would be better off without this situation OP . You’re going to resent them and your DH the longer it goes on .

Do you even have a marriage to save coz you will still come back to the same situation even if you go on holiday by yourselves . He needs to get a proper job and stop scrounging off you.

Team “nasty” StepMum here !

Well clearly we're both in agreement that they are her STEP CHILDREN. That is what I also originally said.

We obviously have different ideas about what that means though.

It was in response to someone saying you should treat them all equally all the time or not at all. and IMO no, treating everyone exactly the same all the time is not equal at all, it's actually unfair, I 100% stand by that and I can't imagine anyone with a toddler and a teenage would ever expect them to share their activities because they can't do things individually which make the other feel 'unwanted', it is utter BS.

OP doesn't think the step children will enjoy a chilled out beach holiday, they normally take them for more adventurous things so no, my point isn't moot, it may be age appropriate but it isn't what they would enjoy.

Her DH wanting to take his kids with them isn't wrong, of course it isn't, no one is saying it is, but the facts are he can't afford to pay for then to come, they wouldn't enjoy it and it would go from a nice chilled out holiday to a working holiday for OP which non of them would enjoy.

The children are old enough to understand that this decision is purely circumstantial (a won holiday) rather than a booked holiday, and as such should not be feeling like they are being purposely left behind.. because OP has never not included them in everything before.

Faced with this and the shit show that is their relationship I would go alone with my toddler, as I would refuse to go into (more) personal debt for someone who won't work hard enough to provide for his family, but wants everyone (including his kids) to think that he does.