AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

Go with a friend and your toddler and reconsider your marriage away from the day- to - day.

Stop subsidising him, prepare for your own financial future:

Absolutely do not put anything further on your credit card.

Ofcourse you don't have to take them! I'd rather not take one of my grumpy teenagers as well but I'm his mum so don't have much of a choice😅. And you're being a great stepmum for taking them camping, that's hard work with so many children.

As for your dh: you sound very resentful, is it just because he's lost his job and is now earning less or is it because he's a twat in general not stepping up to parental/marital duties? Because tbf anyone can lose their job and it seems like he's working even though earning less which isn't his fault (or maybe it is, don't know the details). Anyway you are not responsible for your sdc so if you're miserable with your dh and counselling isn't working don't feel guilty if you decide to divorce him.

Why? OP said their own mother goes away with her new children but without the step children and the SC stay with OP and their dad whilse she does this. SO why is that acceptable but OP and their dad can't do exactly the same?

DH is significantly failing to do that given that he pays towards the costs of the three eldest but not his toddler. That needs correcting before he expects further subsidy from OP.

You've got loads of valid reasons to divorce your DH. I would go on the holiday with a friend and he could stay at home with your step-children.

You are obviously overwhelmed with all the financial responsibilities that you have and how it has impacted your time with your baby by needing to cut short your maternity leave. I'm not surprised that you feel bitter towards your DH. I'd stop paying for couples counselling now.

Yes I agree with this.

You won the holiday- you're inviting your husband but if he doesn't want to go then take a friend and her kid (especially if you have a single mum friend with a toddler - she won't have anyone else wanting holiday with her and won't be able to afford!)

The point of winning a holiday is that it's no cost, not extra cost that you can't afford, it's not sensible to make a family go into debt.

I also think the point that other children get taken on treating their mum, this is toddler getting a treat from toddlers mum as poor toddler will feel jealous that the big kids go on holiday to xyz with their mum.

This is the key bit for me. It’s not about including the step children, it’s that the holiday is for 2 adults and 2 children and the family cannot afford to add extra children without incurring credit card debt, which the OP doesn’t want to do. Go in term time or just go two adults and toddler but don’t add the children that aren’t affordable in this situation.

The moral of this story is don't enter holiday competitions with places less than you have people.....

I am a step parent (but we do not have any children between us!) and I also would not be interested in paying for my SC to come on a holiday. Full stop. Because if DP couldn’t pay that would be the end of it. I already plug the gaps with my income enough, including paying extra on everything so he can ‘keep up appearances’ with his ex by paying the same amount of child support he used to on a better paid job!

I have also been in your situation. And am still the main breadwinner and pay ALL the household bills DP only pays for bare basics in our houses and of course his child maintenance. I am offering solidarity to you and it’s a shit situation to be in!

Sorry you went through that but this is a real one off not their whole childhood

I think you should go. The basic facts are:

• you can't afford it. When only one of you is working and you're still in debt, getting into more debt for a holiday is madness
• you didn't arrange this holiday and leave SC out, you won it. Yes it's not nice for them. But the other alternative (not going because you can't afford to include them and don't want to leave them out) is also madness

Ad an aside why do you have them every weekend, if you're working you never get a break

Why? OP said their own mother goes away with her new children but without the step children and the SC stay with OP and their dad whilse she does this. SO why is that acceptable but OP and their dad can't do exactly the same?

I don't think either of those situations are ok. Two wrongs don't make a right. Poor SC.

Not mean at all. The dynamics with SC makes the holiday so different.

I regularly travelling with just our DC. It's so expensive taking 4 kids vs 1 kid.

Say to your husband that it's non changeable so can't make any amendments. Book it for term time and have a great time.

Do SC go on holiday with their Mum?

Oh that is a good point as well. OP entered this competition knowing that the prize wouldn't include the SC.

She’s not treating them any worse than their own mother who can afford to go abroad but chooses to go without them. If the OP hates the SC then it seems the mother hates her own children as well. Sad for the SC, yes, but doesn’t mean OP has to pick up the baton.

But he can't afford to pay for his older kids. He wants op to get into debt to bring them?

Generally, I don’t support leaving SC or SPs behind, or out of things. It is a difficult enough position to be in without feeling like a second class citizen. In this instance though, you have won a prize and it is up to you who you invite. It isn’t even practical to take the SC and you (and your DH) need some time and space away from everything. The fact that your child is only a toddler makes it pretty easy to explain why they will be going with you.

I am inclined to agree with other posters that your DH could well be very invested in avoiding difficult conversations by turning it into a whole family holiday.

Even as a SD I am not picking up on any hate from you @MeanOrJustified You have clearly said that you do love your SC and that they spend a lot of time with you and their father. The first post did emphasise the reason for not including them as being partly down to their behaviour. Whereas your subsequent posts explain where the bigger issue lies.

Op you need to seek secret legal advice about how to leave him without financial ruin for yourself

This is such rubbish.

So when the dad wants to take his existing children out to age appropriate things, he would also have to take a 2/3 year old to make sure it 'was fair for everyone'... No, didn't think so!

Including everyone in everything all the time is not fair or equal, but I think you know that, OP doesn't have a habit of leaving the children behind or making them feel excluded, the opposite in fact they include them all together as a family all the time, which is way more than their own mother does who routinely goes on holiday without them, so why would a one off because of special circumstances suddenly undo all the hard work OP has done to make sure they are always included?

I don't know, there have certainly been times, or types of holidays where I might rather not have gone than gone with my own children! It's hardly evil FGS

I am normally firmly in the SC should be included in nearly everything camp but in this case I don't see why @MeanOrJustified should have to step up to the plate every time when their actual parents don't.

I think the OP needs this. She absolutely doesn't need more debt. And if there is a tiny chance of getting through to her husband and saving their marriage then it's worth it to go as a 3.

Otherwise she should go with a friend and divorce

But the siblings will always be siblings so you do need to be careful about a divide there

Op how old is your toddler? Old enough to tell siblings about a holiday? Mine wouldn't

So when the dad wants to take his existing children out to age appropriate things, he would also have to take a 2/3 year old to make sure it 'was fair for everyone'... No, didn't think so!

But in this case, the holiday is age appropriate for everyone. So your point is moot. It's not ok to ask the DH to just take one of his four children. In this case, it's probably best that the OP takes her child on her own, or with a friend. But the OP doesn't seem to be prepared to do this, and is saying that her DH is not prioritising their relationship if he doesn't agree to leave 3 of his kids behind. While there is clearly a lot wrong with their marriage, I don't think that her DH wanting to treat all his kids fairly is wrong.

@TheignT but dad only wants to fund it with debt that op will have to pay off