AIBU to not want to take SC on this holiday?

[MeanOrJustified]

I’ve won an all-inclusive beach holiday for two adults and two children. DH and I have a toddler and he has a DD, 12 and two DS, 8 and 11. Nice kids but the older two fight a lot and the youngest is quite demanding and prone to wanting his own way, and sulking when he doesn’t get it. They are active and will hate a beach holiday and it’s generally not very relaxing to be around them.

We haven’t been on a foreign holiday since before our toddler was born. Used to do lots, always with SC, but DH was made redundant when I was pregnant and is now in a lower paid role and we can only afford UK breaks until either one of us gets a better job or our child is in school. If we hadn’t won it, we wouldn’t be going on a foreign holiday. We had plans for ten days’ camping with SC which we’ll still do.

DH thinks we should ask to pay to extend the holiday to a larger family room so SC can come, and put the two extra flights on a credit card. I don’t want to. AIBU?

That’s insane 😂

Could you leave the toddler with a family member, grandparents etc. and take some adult friends and have a relaxing grown up holiday?

That's probably the only way you are going to be able to do it to be fair to everyone.

I do sympathise with you though, been there done that, the holidays were never relaxing. DSS was great, no trouble, DSD thought she was an adult (10), would not go off and play, wouldn't join in anything, just sat with us the whole time. Tried to engage her in things with me but would not come out walking with me or to have a look around the shops or to buy souvenir's etc, just wanted to sit with Dad the whole time - which i understand to an extent but it was still awkward. I felt like an intruder on the holiday

But their own mother holidays without them with her new partner and their joint children so why is that OK?

I really don't think you can go on a beach holiday and leave out the children. I think you should take a friend and their child instead and leave your DH at home.

And look into divorcing.

YANBU but MN won't agree.

The most important fact is that they won't actually enjoy it and everyone will be miserable as a result.

We took our toddler abroad once, just the 3 of us, during term time. SD didn't come. It was a very toddler-focused holiday. There is a 10 year age gap and SD would have been bored.

We're going to Lapland on a Christmassy adventure holiday in December and there's a nice balance of things for SD (husky sled ride, reindeer, midnight Northern Lights excursion) and things for DD (Santa hunt, elf show), so we're all going.

We also had some "grown-up" holidays with SD, before DD came along, such as a waterpark holiday.

Not every holiday is going to suit all children when you have big age gaps.

I completely agree with this.

I haven't read the whole thread but have read all of OP's posts. I would take the holiday situation as a sign that things need to change drastically in the marriage. Or the marriage will not survive.

Go on the holiday. Take your dc and perhaps a friend or family member. Use it to have some breathing space away from your DH and decide how you want your life to be going forward.

OP this is MN, step mothers are evil personified. Most posters are only reading YOU'RE LEAVING OUT THE STEPKIDS. SO YOU HATE THEM.

You are doing more for the SDCs than either of their parents. If people read all your posts instead of just the first one, they'd perhaps realise that. Your husband is mooching off you. You are earning the money (by working 60 hours a week) that allows him to pay maintenance. You are paying all bills. The SDC's mother goes on all her holidays without them, your DH can't afford to take them, so the expectation (from DH and most posters) is on you to compensate for both. That you will pay for them because no-one else can/will.

Nah. It's a shame for the kids in a way but it's not up to you to cover the deficiencies of their parents.

I'm in the 'take a friend' camp.

I mean, considering this and also your other post about his ex, today at 10:31:

Actually she has two younger children with her new partner and they all go together, leaving SC with us.

I honestly don't see why this should even be an issue that you want to go without them.

You are getting an undeserved hard time on here OP. You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable to want this relaxing break sans SC. Unfortunately on mumsnet, as a stepmum, you will always be expected to be a martyr.

As to whether a divorce is a good idea. Maybe, but it sounds like you are in a good position to work that one out for yourself.

You sound quite transactional in your emotional response, your situation has changed from what it was, that’s what can happen in life, how would you respond if your DH became ill and couldn’t work?

Do you love your DH, or is that only possible based on his earning capacity? I get the sense that you’re disappointed in your choices and would like to blame him entirely, but it’s helpful to acknowledge that you have been a party to the situation, you did choose to marry a man with three children and have one of your own.

@MeanOrJustified I wouldn't take them.

There's such an age gap that it's fine to do things differently as they're not going to have the same interests as your little one. This means your toddler will miss out as what interests them wouldn't likely interest the older ones.

It sounds like you need a break, and it won't be much of one if you're trying to please all the dc (which will be impossible).

You've won this holiday. You haven't deliberately booked it to exclude them, and it's madness to get into debt trying to pay for them to attend.

I'm sure they do things with their mum without your toddler, so why shouldn't it work both ways?

As you say, if you divorced, that would help no one, so I agree that you should prioritise you as a couple and take your toddler with you.

It sounds like it may be a long while before you'd be able to afford to take your toddler away again so I wouldn't waste this opportunity.

You're taking your sc camping so it's not like they won't get a holiday with their dad.

Treating your sc equally/fairly doesn't mean that you have to give them exactly the same experiences all the time, so I think your dh needs to back down on this.

Good luck, and ignore the haters. MN users seem to hate step mums so they'll never agree with you simply because of that. 💐

Whilst I don’t doubt that there are people that will blame the step parent automatically, to be fair to some of the posters on this thread, the circumstances surrounding this issue/holiday and the current state of OP’s marriage wasn’t really made clear in the beginning.

People posting now that haven’t bothered to get the updates however, they are annoying as shit!

Because she's an amazing birth mum and not an evil step mum! Didn't you no it's all so black and white

Parents and step-parents have a moral obligation to treat all kids in the household equally, and not to make any of them feel less-than or unwanted. That's the long and short of it.

Is it easy? Obviously not. I wouldn't want to do it. But what IS easy, in that situation, is not getting into a relationship with men who have kids already.

You need to explain all of your feelings to your DH and if he doesn't listen then that's probably the relationship done anyway

Yes I agree securing a £100k job is not easy. But taking on a few delivery jobs in 18 months is also clearly not someone who is willing to do whatever it takes to support his family.

Why? OP needs a break, she is keeping her whole family afloat and her DH is doing very, very little. I'd rather stay at home than spend a week staying in a room with another adult and 4 kids, 3 of which aren't mine and getting into debt because of it too. That isn't a break for the OP.

It sounds like your goodwill - and income - have been exploited and taken for granted and this holiday has helped you focus on how your marriage isn't working at the moment. I suspect your husband would like to take your SC - and take them out in the evenings etc - precisely to avoid the sort of conversation you would like to have.
Give him a choice - he comes with you and toddler or stays behind. Tell him to make his mind up quickly. If he isn't coming with you, either go alone with toddler and use any alone downtime to plan your next steps, or take a supportive friend to help you plan. You deserve better than this.

I can't believe that some people on here are saying you should pay for SC to go even if it means racking up credit card debt. Totally and utterly ridiculous! It isn't just extra flights, it is also the all inc. aspect that needs to be paid for! Just go in term time and have a lovely relaxing holiday, it sounds as though you desperately need it. When my children were little after having a good play in the sea and on the beach, they would have a long nap under the umbrellas. Then in the evening would nod off in the pushchair, you then also have a relaxing dinner together.
Go and enjoy and relax.

I am not a step parent. I have one child and am divorced. I will tell you two things:

1. i know when I see a woman at the end of her tether and ready to leave because she is not being prioritised.
2. a man will choose women that are financially stable every single time. So the next one will be a lawyer (naive and earns more). It’s the truth.
3. I am sorry hope it gets better. There’s nothing here that says to me you hate your step kids or even want to exclude them maliciously. I hope you get out. Make sure next guy is childless (don’t care of the Hypocrisy because you were childless too when he met you)

Day to day all children should be treated equally and with love etc. But in these circumstances it's fine to just take your bio child

So you would be sitting all on your own in the hotel with your toddler every evening while your DH took his children out? That certainly wouldn't be fair, particularly as you were the one who entered the competition and won the holiday.

They always used to go on holidays all together before he lost his job and didn't bother to replace it, so it's not that step mum never wants to, they also have a camping holiday booked where they are going all together, she just doesn't want to go into debt for a holiday that no one will enjoy when they could have a holiday that the three of them could enjoy for free.

The facts of the matter is they can't now offer this without going into more debt (his debt, not hers), he was made redundant and hasn't had a proper job since for 1-2 years? So why is it on the OP to go into personal debt herself to pay for what would be a luxury expense.

she pays all their household expenses and covers his debt repayments so he can still pay maintenance for his previous children.. what part of that scream 'selfish step mother' to you?

Because he can’t afford to bring them. He works very part time hours to cover the cost of his maintenance payments (payment amounts that were set prior to him losing his job) and his phone costs. Everything else, including rent on the home they live in and all other costs, including SC costs, are paid for by his wife. He cannot afford to pay for the flights for his children, nor any extra costs for them. His wife also fully funds all costs relating to the child he has with her.

So, the OP’s husband has a choice, accept the terms of the holiday that his wife is offering or stay at home and appreciate the fact that his wife is paying for a camping family holiday later in the year.

Of course it's not insane.

The SC sound like hard work and she already has a pretty good idea what the holiday will be like if they take them and it will be the very opposite of relaxing. Not to mention it will be expensive and this expense will go one her credit card. So basically what should be a free, relaxing holiday will turn in to the very opposite.

Sounds eminently sane to me.

Sounds like you have a lot more problems than just this holiday - I'd be getting rid of him anyway tbh, sounds like you're doing all the heavy lifting in this relationship and are rightfully fed up with it.

Take a friend on the holiday and go and see a solicitor.