Shamed by HV for not exposing DD to a second language

[Skedaddledaway]

I had DDs 12 months appointment yesterday. This time was better than previous times as she only managed to say something vaguely offensive 3 times during the 10 minute appointment.

However, there was one comment she made that filled me up with 'mum guilt' about not exposing DD to a second language. I live in a very multicultural area where most children are being brought learning 2 or 3 languages so seeing a child just speaking English is probably less common.

I speak good french (lived and worked in France for several years) but haven't used french for at least 4 years so am rusty! Speaking french with DD didn't feel natural compared to using my mother tongue. Now I am questioning whether that was a poor decision.

As a single mum I have a lot on my plate but I am thinking of starting to expose DD to some french.
My thoughts were:

• Turning her doll into a francophone so when ever we play with it use french.
• incorporating some simple everyday phrases into our daily routine
• reading books in french in the morning during breakfast
• listening to some nursery rhymes in french

Does this approach sound reasonable?

Unless she needs French to speak to certain family members I wouldn't bother yet personally. I would focus on learning English without the confusion of a second language, and then you can teach her some French once that's secure.
She's not necessarily even going to need to know French, it's no longer taught it the schools locally to us (they do Spanish instead) and doesn't seem worth potentially delaying her speech for if it's likely to not even be used.

I don't want to share where I live or which language I speak, but I'm bilingual and had all my education through the medium of my second language. Nobody in my family speaks it (stamped out of my parents for colonial reasons). I work in my second language and mostly socialise in English. I'm fluent in both.

My baby will be bilingual - English at home (DH is not bothered about learning a second language), but different language with me and will go to school, do exams etc in second language. It's another string to their bow, and I can support them. We're able to reclaim part of our culture and heritage and baby will get the best of both worlds. For all I know, baby will never use it after school (which happened to my brothers), and completely lose it.

BUT this is our choice. No medical professional has the right to shame you into feeling otherwise.

To have a child be bi-lingual takes two parents, who each speak a target language exclusively to the DC - so it is a bi-lingual household (it will work even if one parent is mono-lingual, btw). Your DD would probably pick up some French if you played games using it etc. but it sounds like you have enough to do without teaching her a second language! Your HV was talking through her hat. Stupid comments.

Thanks! That was what I was aiming for with the doll approach. To make it into a fun secret language, not necessarily aiming for fluency. I can still remember the snippets of Welsh my grandma used to speak to me. I still read and write in french most days but I haven't had a need to speak it for a long time so it feels unnatural and clunky in my mouth

Always a key benefit & life skill to be able to speak more than one language. Kids can absorb languages easily upto around 7 years of age. Tbh any exposure to other languages would be a bonus. Tv programs, books, etc would work. Dd does need to become bilingual but the ability to speak competently will open up many doors for her.

I voted YABU to listen to the HV nonsense. It is true that children are more receptive to picking up another language at a young age but many parents only know/speak their native language and children learn additional ones at school. I don't know anyone who has gone out of their way to force this into their parenting unless it's common in the household/social circle. It can be a positive thing but it isn't mandatory.

We had a polish neighbour when DS was younger who would teach him a couple of words when they saw eachother. He's 4 now and the neighbour has moved but DS can say key everyday words like coffee, bin, etc in Polish but he isn't fluent. He also has fun teaching me and DD the words he learned.

Your HV is nuts. This would only be an issue if you weren’t speaking your first language at home, which you are. One of my friends doesn’t speak her parents’ first language because they were instructed only to speak English to her which is also nuts. If you want daughter to grow up bilingual, the thing to do is find a nursery where a different language is used.

I spoke fluent French when I was young but growing up my family home didn’t prioritise it so like you, I’m rusty.

I raised my daughter as a single mum and she was exposed to French through family as a baby and knew some phases, but 10 years later, she doesn’t know a single word of French - and I do feel very bad! As I just didn’t prioritise it. I sometimes wish I did.

I say this to say that there will always be things that we feel guilty about. Some HV are more annoying and vocal than others. Don’t feel bad. But make the decision on how important it is for your child to learn a second language. For us it’s important because half of our extended family speak French - however if that wasn’t the case, English is a powerful enough language. However as someone that knows 3 languages (but rusty with 2) - knowing more languages definitely was a bonus growing up and it’s generally a great skill that I believe makes one more empathetic.

I haven’t RTFT, so apologies if things have moved on, but I just wanted to say this:

I am a multilingualism researcher focusing on families with preschool aged children. I am a huge proponent of multilingualism.

Your HV has given you very very strange information / advice. Absolute best practice for all concerned is to primarily use your first language (mother tongue) with your child.

You could introduce the concept of other languages with a much older preschooler just for fun, but you should absolutely not think that you should be using a language that is not one of your own first languages with your child.

Do not feel guilty, ignore the very poor advice you’ve been given by the HV.

How about you listen to the radio/tv/podcasts in French? It will help you feeling less rusty and will expose her too. We played lots of french nursery rhymes and when she was a bit older we listen to "kids" stuff - Kids United were a big thing back then, but she discovered lots of other artists too via spotify... Doing things in french for you will expose her indirectly and will take the load off you too.

It doesn’t sound like she ‘shamed’ you.

Some people, HVs or otherwise, know how to poke the mum guilt area, a particularly sensitive spot in new mothers who are already regretting having deprived their baby of enough womb-time listening to Bach and chanted times tables.

New mothers need reassurance not unsolicited guilt-tripping. Nobody tells a cat they have to miaow in different languages or they are short-changing their kittens.

This.
You can’t shame a mother for speaking her mother tongue with her child.
Also it is normal to have one language in the UK.
I speak more than one language, my children are bilingual. BUT I only speak English with my kids as that is my mother tongue. Living several years in France doesn’t cut it.

I have the same level of French as you and didn't speak it to my children as I didn't want to have to be thinking of what I was saying all the time, I wanted to speak in my own language

The HV sounds ridiculous.

This 100%. It is reprehensible that HV’s, an unsolicited universal service are allowed to share anything other than robust advice with a basis in evidenced research to new mothers who are often at their most vulnerable and desperate for a sensible steer in the right direction to build confidence in their mothering.

DH got his first job after university. We bought an old, small, cottage in a new town and were in the middle of having two rooms knocked together when HV paid her first visit.

Our builder was not very tidy; HV found me, 8month old, and two year old all scrabbling around in a mess of bricks plaster and Accro supports. She was obviously and unsurprisingly appalled, I could feel SS beckoning.

Then she asked what my DH did. Teacher at local top grammar school.
Audible sigh of relief. Clearly we were ‘bohemian’ rather than neglectful.

She went away perfectly happy, we never saw her again. Boys survived.

This is rubbish. As a parent children should only be exposed to the mother tongue of their parents, or if you were French, always speak French and if your husband is English, he always speaks English.
I live in a very multicultural city too and wasn't going to start teaching my 1 year old another random language.
Ignore the health visitor, they are so often full of shit!

Ask the H V to come round and demonstrate how to introduce another language maybe The most obscure you can think of!!

She's an utter loon.

Best ignored

Perfect, another HV bashing thread!

The HV is being an idiot. Ignore her.

@Skedaddledaway my dear girl, wtf are you doing entertaining this lunatic?

your child is now 1yo, just stop going to the HV and IF anyone says anything TELL THEM that you found her rude, ridiculously judgemental, ill informed and irrelevant (talking bottles/cows milk when you’ve literally just told her you’re breastfeeding)

you don’t have to do this, you really don’t. As long as the vaccinations are up to date, you’re fine.

if I were you I would have summoned my very best French for Fuck off and when you get there, fuck off some more

I speak Portuguese fluently. My ds dad used to get abusive and nasty if I spoke Portuguese, or if anyone around me did. Ok so I left him, but but when I found classes for DS to attend as a young child, he just didn’t take to languages in the same way I do. It’s not his thing. He’s more musical than I am.

new mums get bullied by people like your HV, just stop going. It’s not mandatory.

Except it isn't 🙄

You must live in quite a privileged area if this would be a concern to a HV. Normally they are worried about actual issues - development, hearing, speech, nutrition, abuse etc.