To think that parents should send a quick individual thank you after kids birthday parties?

[comoatoupeira]

Hello
Sorry if this has been done to death, but does anyone else think that the childrens' birthday party and gift giving culture is completely bizarre in the UK?
What I mean is the way that people bring sometimes very large/expensive gifts, or really very thoughtful and nice gifts, like a book that has been chosen especially for the child, and yet nobody seems to expect an acknowledgment beyond 'thanks for all the lovely presents!' on the school WhatsApp group.
I know that everyone is really busy, and I know that this would always fall to the mum not the dad and we don't need any more small admin jobs related to our children, thank you, but it still feels wrong.

What feels wrong? It feels somehow grabby, or as though the effort gone into choosing the gift is just taken for granted (and the money).

I accept it's probably just something people have decided so as not to create too much work for themselves. But it bothers me. What do you think?

This is the kind of message I think would be good to receive: 'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

I just do a photo with said presents & a thank you on the specific chat. That's the norm around here.

We often give cash but it's not a very English thing to do (not English either)

Because you don't open the present immediately, when there are 20 to 30 kids from the class careering around. Most people open them after the party.

I used to make my children (now in their 20s) write to thank everyone who gave them a present. At 6 the letters were short, but they were all individually hand written.

That stopped when they left primary as they didn't have parties in the same way and just thanked their friends in person. I still made them write letters to family members and family friends though.

I think if someone has gone to the effort to choose a present for you they deserve a personalised thank you.

And on opening gifts at a party - it's fallen out of favor at children's parties in particular not just to avoid embarrassing anyone but because the parties are usually short, children aren't particularly interested in watching gift opening, and if there are more than a few guests it becomes a ridiculously boring waste of a large chunk of party time. Spending 30 minutes of a 2 hour party making all your guests sit silently and watch as you open gifts is just not the most considerate hosting and feels crassly materialistic to a lot of parents today.

I don't think that's the point. It's not about whether what is inside is seen as good or bad. It's about showing that you have noticed what is inside, what the person has chosen, and then wrapped up. That you appreciate it.

Fairly standard practice at my DDs school to send a quick thanks for coming to the party and for the lovely gift. DD really likes her insert gift... kind of message. If we didn't get that though wouldn't be particularly gutted as I know how crazy birthdays can be.

But what’s the difference? You want thanks for your present and they have thanked you for it. You say thanks for the thoughtfulness of bringing a present. If they love it or hate it they will still say thanks as most people aren’t rude.

I used to do the individual messages but no one else did so I stopped but I do feel a bit guilty for not doing it.

I agree, I think the gendered aspect of all these tasks needs to be discussed more.
But I think it's a shame to stop doing really good things because women tend to do them more.

See my post two posts above yours, for my answer.

Sometimes I feel like all the standards we were raised with have just been chucked away.

Whatsapp didn't exist when I was young nor texting. People used to give out invites then too where's now that tends to come via Whatsapp.

The last big party DS2 had, I missed half of because DS1 had an epic meltdown. DS1 and I finally arrived shortly before food was served after missing the vast majority of the main activity. Only DH was there with DS2 because it's a tad expensive to import family to watch 30 children bouncing around for an hour.
When we got home, I missed much of DS2's excited, frenzied unwrapping because of dealing with DS1 and the aftermath of his meltdown (dignosis was about 7m later) so I had no idea who'd given what.

Everyone was thanked in person and by text after, but not detailed individualised undying gratitude.
Getting either of my dyslexic DCs to write 30 thank you cards/ notes was out of the question. At that stage, they were still struggling with writing their names accurately.

I'd held a party (that I mostly missed) given party bags, and thanked people. I'd done quite enough without giving personalised thanks to massage other parents' egos.

I actually agree. I went to a party for a three year old once where the gift giving took an hour.

I guess I'm more practical. They're going to say thank you for the ___ no matter what, so that text doesn't tell me anything about whether they actually liked the present itself.

"Thank you for coming and for the gift" means just much to me as sending the same form text with the blank filled in to every guest.

Most people are grateful to drop their dc off at a party 😆

But you can see the thoughtfulness of them choosing, wrapping, and giving the present before they open it. That’s the thank you. So wherever it is, whether good or bad for them is irrelevant as you say, so why do you need that extra thanks when you’ve acknowledged it’s the choosing and wrapping, which they have already done. If they hated your present when they opened it, but had thanked you for the thoughtfulness of it, do you want them to say they don’t like it?

I think it takes a lot more effort and expense to hold a party and entertain lots of kids for a couple of hours than it does to turn up with a present. So while I think people should be thanked when they give a present, I think the party host deserves thanks more!

I stopped sending thank you notes after I read a post on here likening them to a receipt for the gift.

Also lots of people saying 'when they hand it over' ...This language is a bit revealing, I think.

Well yes, it reveals that they've handed a present over to the birthday child 😳

I do see your point.
I just don't think in that way.

I think this more/less, comparison, effort/reward ... all of these ways of thinking, are sucking some joy out of these things. And contributes to the stressful 'scene' I was referring to (yes, I still think it's a scene!)

I actually think hosting a childs birthday party is a lot of work on the day, a lot of work to organise and most of all a lot of expense. There is a reason not all parents choose to host a party. So for that reason Yabu!

I try to do this but so often the cards come detached from the gifts and we don't know who gave what

People- write on the wrapping paper to x from y!

Does it take a long time to choose and wrap a gift for a whole class party though? In my experience people tend to raid their “party box” of stuff their children have been given but don’t want, or already have, select the most suitable gift for the party child and wrap it. I could do that in less time than it takes to make a present list and send a text. (It’s different as they get older, parties get smaller and your DC knows the birthday child well - in that case you’re more likely to have spent time selecting an appropriate gift and I think individual thank yous should be sent.)

The party parents have already hosted your child for a couple of hours, fed and entertained them and sent them home with a party bag which keeps them quiet for a bit longer. I wouldn’t get upset about the lack of a personal text thanking me for the generic craft set / game / book I grabbed out of the box and thought “Little Johnny will like this”.