To think that parents should send a quick individual thank you after kids birthday parties?

[comoatoupeira]

Hello
Sorry if this has been done to death, but does anyone else think that the childrens' birthday party and gift giving culture is completely bizarre in the UK?
What I mean is the way that people bring sometimes very large/expensive gifts, or really very thoughtful and nice gifts, like a book that has been chosen especially for the child, and yet nobody seems to expect an acknowledgment beyond 'thanks for all the lovely presents!' on the school WhatsApp group.
I know that everyone is really busy, and I know that this would always fall to the mum not the dad and we don't need any more small admin jobs related to our children, thank you, but it still feels wrong.

What feels wrong? It feels somehow grabby, or as though the effort gone into choosing the gift is just taken for granted (and the money).

I accept it's probably just something people have decided so as not to create too much work for themselves. But it bothers me. What do you think?

This is the kind of message I think would be good to receive: 'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

I think the only way to reverse this decline in manners is for everyone to start writing thank you notes again and 'shaming; those who don't!

They are a scene, in the sense that it's the same rite of passage in other countries but the way they are done here is very particular

But that's the point. The way they are done here isn't a "scene". You mentioned having godparents on hand to help with gift logging. I'm sure most godparents send their god child a host, but to attend their class party? Doubtful. There is definitely a cultural difference at play here. Kids parties here are definitely not a scene.

Sorry, but I've had this on mumsnet so much before. There are lots of adults on here who don't seem to have any other adults supporting them. That's really tough. I don't think it's anything exceptional to have family at your child's birthday party.

Everyone in our (very ordinary if not slightly rough) primary does do this. In KS1 it tended to be handwritten thank you notes from dc but we mostly stick with texts now. I didn’t realise it was so unusual.

Don't you just thank people at the party? When people go, usually the host says thank you so much.

We only write thank you cards/texts to people who we didn’t see on the day. Surely it’s overkill otherwise? When does it stop?

Saying thank you after a party or playdate is the norm in my social circle and at my kids' schools. There are one or two parents of course who never bother (usually the same people who pull favour after favour, but never return it).

Maybe there is a difference between a 'class party' and a 'birthday party'? Is that the cultural difference I'm not understanding?

@comoatoupeira why is it not as important to thank the hosts for the party for thinking about and catering for often 20 odd different kids though? It’s often a lot of work and expense and I know I put a lot of thought into accommodating different needs and personalities, likes/dislikes, trying to make sure games are “fair…”, party bags will be enjoyed, and make sure nothing causes upset etc. I feel that honestly needs just as much thanks as buying a book or something! I ALWAYS make a point of thanking parents at the end of a party, sometimes a message afterwards too.

(Also, I’ve been to very very few where there were more than 2 adults in charge! What a luxury!)

This is why I think many rules of “etiquette” are such rubbish. I want you to celebrate my birthday with you? You MUST spend your hard earned money on a something for me to unwrap, and if you don’t I’ll think you are rude. And if I don’t thank you during AND after you will think I’m rude. Yada yada yada

Yes! It is important. But everyone does this at our school already.
It's the thanking for the presents that doesn't happen. That's what this thread is about.

Well I’ve done both approaches and the generic is much easier. Last year I made my 5 year old write individual thank you notes after her party. It took nearly 2 weeks to write them, some never made it home into bags and it was an absolutely ball ache quite frankly as by card 20 it had become a massive chore that I could’ve done without. No-one else seemed to go down that route so I have no desire to do it again.

I am so shocked with the poll not even close to 50/50. 🤔 I enjoy the sending of the messages post a party. I think it can also help build friendships with parents you may not know very well.

I need a designated adult in my life 😂

'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

This is exactly what we do. We also thank them for coming to the party etc.

I agree with you

Open gifts after party. Make list of who gave what. Write thank you notes for everyone.

I agree OP, I always wrote a text to each parent a couple of days later, to say thank you, and mention the gift they gave. When kids were older they would write, or text themselves.
I know a lot of people don't do this, and I wouldn't necessarily expect a written thank you back, especially if cash not a chosen present. I know people are busy, I was just brought up to do notes / texts to each person.

So they don’t say thank you when you give them a present? That’s really odd and at odds to most British who I find say thank you every other sentence!!

Thank you on receipt in person and then a thank you in the birthday WhatsApp it’s what we and everyone I know does

Exactly!
It’s not hard.

Yes of course they do! Don't you think it would be impossible not to say thank you if someone put a present in your hands??
There are thank you's flying all over the place, thank you for inviting us, thank you for this food ...
I'm talking about thanking once the present has been opened.

Personally I think that 'burden' of getting the kids to write 20+ thank you post-party cards would fall to the mum, and in this day and age when mums are already bearing the brunt of the mental load and working full time or looking after kids, it's another job that they don't need the added guilt of doing.

This is why I think a lovely personal text/audio to each person in nice and enough.

I'm sure someone on here will know a dad who sits and writes thank you cards eith their kids after a kids' party, but I don't know a single one.

We follow the same rules I was raised with - you either need to thank the giver in person, send a note or call. For particularly generous gifts (not the type of thing you'd give for a classmate's birthday... picking out a book for the specific recipient is pretty bare minimum) you need to write the formal note in addition to thanking in person or calling. So for a larger class party or similar a group message thanking everyone for coming is completely fine as long as each attendee has been thanked in person, especially because the birthday child's family has treated everyone to a party already. Honestly I don't think more of mums who send individual texts.

I don't care if the thank you comes before opening the gift. What difference does that make? If they have any manners at all they're going to say thank you no matter what's inside.

But they’ve thanked you for the present? Why do you need them to say it again? You only send a card or message if the present was sent to you and you can’t thank them in person.

Agree. Cards are a burden. A text is what I think is the right thing.
I know two men who do Christmas cards on behalf of their couple. They are revered as gods among our friends.

Sorry, but I've had this on mumsnet so much before. There are lots of adults on here who don't seem to have any other adults supporting them. That's really tough. I don't think it's anything exceptional to have family at your child's birthday party.

Thank you. I think its lovely you have so many people around you to support. But it's unusual in my circle to have lots of adults at parties. They may have lots of family but they are scattered around the country rather than living on the doorstep.

It's interesting that no one has commented specifically on me mentioning that my exh didn't bother coming to his child's party. It's much more important for women to send individual thank you messages.