To think that parents should send a quick individual thank you after kids birthday parties?

[comoatoupeira]

Hello
Sorry if this has been done to death, but does anyone else think that the childrens' birthday party and gift giving culture is completely bizarre in the UK?
What I mean is the way that people bring sometimes very large/expensive gifts, or really very thoughtful and nice gifts, like a book that has been chosen especially for the child, and yet nobody seems to expect an acknowledgment beyond 'thanks for all the lovely presents!' on the school WhatsApp group.
I know that everyone is really busy, and I know that this would always fall to the mum not the dad and we don't need any more small admin jobs related to our children, thank you, but it still feels wrong.

What feels wrong? It feels somehow grabby, or as though the effort gone into choosing the gift is just taken for granted (and the money).

I accept it's probably just something people have decided so as not to create too much work for themselves. But it bothers me. What do you think?

This is the kind of message I think would be good to receive: 'Hi! Just to say thanks so much for the gel pens, little Timmy loves them. See you on Monday'. The purpose being simply to acknowledge that a gift has been chosen and bought, nothing more!

@comoatoupeira But, when you thank someone at the point they hand a gift to you… you’re not really saying thanks for the currently unidentifiable object under the paper.

You’re saying thanks for them buying a present at all (it’s optional), the thought that went into buying it, the effort that went into wrapping it and writing a card, etc. Is that not much more important than thanking someone for the specifics of what is inside once it’s been opened?

It would seem a bit hollow and pointless if you’ve already thanked them for all the other aspects that are part of someone buying a gift. You’ve literally already thanked them for being thoughtful. It’s not like you think they’re any more thoughtful if it’s a particular item. Not all presents hit the mark, so everyone also getting a THANK YOU, HE LOVES IT! after it’s been opened would be disingenuous. It is actually the thought that really counts, and that’s what you’re being thanked for at the point the gift is given 🤷‍♀️

My kids have been brought up to be grateful for the intention, not just the actual thing.

yes, quite persuasive!

Unfortunately at a few parties we've been to recently there has been a gifts table at the door so you're not expected to give the gift to the child, I think (maybe I have misunderstood).

I think this more/less, comparison, effort/reward ... all of these ways of thinking, are sucking some joy out of these things. And contributes to the stressful 'scene' I was referring to (yes, I still think it's a scene!)

I think a lot of us would say exactly this about discussions over individual fill in the blank thank you texts vs thanking in person and as a group

Yes, this.

Yes, I take your point.

WTF, someone really said that?! Mum used to make me write thank you notes for presents a few days after my birthday and at the time it felt like a massive chore but it eventually became second nature.

My elderly godmother used to on send me £5 in a card every birthday, up until she died when I was about 33 and I always used to send a thank you card in return. She once confided to my mum how much it meant to her because nobody else she gave gifts too used to bother. So I'm glad it was drummed into me to do so as it made her happy 🙂.

Perhaps, then, the problem is elsewhere: with the culture of inviting the whole class to the party, including lots of people you don't know, so the gifts are rarely very personal, and therefore don't really merit a personal thank-you.

I understand the reasons for inviting the whole class but it can also be a bit overwhelming and institutional.

I think you whinging about people who've been kind enough to host your child
sucks the joy out of it.

At our school it's the norm to send a general thanks on the Whatsapp (sometimes a video/photo of a handwritten thanks from the child). If it was the norm to send individual thanks, I would do that, but it feels too fussy to do it if no one else does.

I don't think kids birthday gifts are generally carefully chosen and thought out - I'll admit to stocking up on generic aged appropriate gifts in the sales. So I don't really care that much how the child likes it - it will always be decent quality but if it's not their preference it can be regifted and that's fine.

But they aren't hosting through kindness. They are hosting because that is what you do here. All of the children are invited. They are being kind to their own child, by making sure they have the same experience as their peers.

Ah @comoatoupeira I think I understand better now. You didn't specify class party in your OP, I inferred that.

I do think there's a difference between class party and family birthday party. Class party with many kids and a load of mayhem, thank them as they hand over/place on a table and thank them again for attending. Family, including godparents, more intimate, a different story. In the latter I definitely thanked family individually.

Indeed I didn't realise the difference, now I do, all becomes clear!

It sounds like another job for women to do. Organise party. Invite kids. Do party bags. Make list of who sent what. Text everyone a thank you etc etc. Why would you want to make life more busy and stressful? Your child attended and enjoyed a party and you bought a gift. End of.

Honestly, we’re all really busy working parents. Writing thank you notes is basically just a mum time tax. In our school no one does them and I am absolutely thrilled about that!

Agree OP though I would have the child writing a short note when able to. Usually did it the weekend after the party.
Very important imo to instil in children at a young age, a feeling of gratitude hopefully and common courtesy

I’ve always made mine write thank you notes in an age appropriate way that fitted with her abilities. So at 4 I would write most of the note and get her to write her name and the present giver’s name. At 5 I got her to write ‘thank you for my present’ on each card. At 6 I wrote down what each person had given her and got her to do a personalised thank you for everyone. I tell her that these people have gone out and spent their money on her and the least she can do is spend 5 minutes writing them a thank you. She does like to write though and it kills a rainy afternoon so I do empathise with those whose children might not be quite so compliant.

I held parties because my children enjoyed them.
When DS1 had his first party, him being autumn born, and me being a F/T working parent, I wrote "dear classmate" on 29 invitations because I hadn't got a scooby doo of the names of children in his class. He didn't talk about school. He just wanted a party.

Hosting one was also a chance to get to meet some of the class/ families.
(That was pre-class whatsapp, but you have to know people to end up in a whatsapp group anyway)

I agree OP, it's so rude to not even send a thank you plus it takes 2 mins! I took part in a secret santa this year with 4 mums of 5 year olds, it was a generous budget and I put a lot of thought into the gift I brought, yet not even a thank you!

It’s such a bizarre take that some people really think they’re doing other parents a favour by hosting birthday parties. I don’t know a single parent that doesn’t roll their eyes when their kid is invited to a birthday party because taking them is just another thing we’d rather not be spending our weekend doing. None of them are special - we’re all perfectly capable of taking our child to a soft play/farm/trampoline park ourselves without the added awkwardness of having to speak to other bloody parents.

To this end, I fully think the onus is on the hosting parent(s) to not only have the most (if not all) gratitude, but should also make every effort to evidence this too. It’s their own child that is being indulged by the whole affair at the end of the day.

More generally than that though, I fully agree OP that it is just good manners to offer up a personal thanks for a gift after it’s been opened. It really doesn’t take much time or effort at all but it shows that the thought - however minimal - that has gone into buying the gift has been reciprocated. It’s what I was raised to do, and it’s what my child will be raised to do.

And isn’t that what the treat bag at the end of the is for? Goody bag, whatever.

I’m going to be that pedant who points out that cell phones / text messages were not commonplace when we were raised - so texting a thank people is hardly some age old tradition.

This is my favourite post so far, I'm glad I stayed up to read it. Thank you!

"It’s their own child that is being indulged by the whole affair at the end of the day." - exactly.

My son once has an all class party (his choice not to have any more). I hired a hall, the mad scientist entertainer with rocket launch and goo (this was 14 years ago). Made the party bags, catered including for the parents. My parents were busy greeting and making tea and coffee as I was greeting/prepping the food/thanking for gifts/coordinating etc. So many tags/cards fell off gifts. I don't think any parent went away thinking we didn't appreciate their attendance (most important) and gift.

Why are the parents giving the individual thank you? If there needs to be individual thank yous, the presents were for the children, the children can do the thank you notes not the parents.

It's supposed to be the child that enjoys the party not the parents surely. That's why we take our kids to them. If your kid doesn't like attending parties just say no to them! Sorted.