Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Found out fiancé is married to someone else

355 replies

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

OP posts:
Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:15

@whathaveiforgotten They’re both practically teenagers, they don’t want to be away from their friends at the weekend, this arrangement works best for the children

OP posts:
Eyerollexpert · 11/03/2025 09:16

limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:25

I found out this morning that she has his last name still too. That’s why I could never find her on facebook, I was typing in the wrong name. He said she refused to change it back. I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex.

This is ridiculous, very immature. The country is full of divorced women who keep married name for their JOINT kids.
Out of your control.

Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:16

@HisNibs nothing they just said congratulations. Maybe he spoke to them after. What I do know is that they are quite close with his wife and speak to her often due to the grandkids

OP posts:
Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:17

@Eyerollexpert Im not demanding she change her name, I’m saying I’m not sure if I want to marry him and share the same last name

OP posts:
Eyerollexpert · 11/03/2025 09:19

You said"I don't want to share his last name with his ex."

LastHeraldMage · 11/03/2025 09:23

limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:25

I found out this morning that she has his last name still too. That’s why I could never find her on facebook, I was typing in the wrong name. He said she refused to change it back. I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex.

Unless he has a name that is totally unique, then you'll be sharing it with a lot of people.

You dont want someone who was previously married, but were ok to be with someone who had children?

procrastinatorgator · 11/03/2025 09:24

This really wouldn't bother me. It was so long ago and there is nothing at all between them. I'd expect him to get divorced sharpish but it wouldn't be a deal breaker for me at all, and I can understand why he didn't say anything (although I'd assume that of course he would have eventually)

HisNibs · 11/03/2025 09:28

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:16

@HisNibs nothing they just said congratulations. Maybe he spoke to them after. What I do know is that they are quite close with his wife and speak to her often due to the grandkids

I can see why they're still quite close given that those children are his parents grandchildren. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say in that case that they all know and have chosen to hide it from you too. His actual wife and parents have hidden this from you and continue to do so. While YANBU to insist on a divorce, on the flip side, YABU to consider continuing a relationship with him.

SparrowFeet · 11/03/2025 09:31

I don't know why you are even considering continuing a relationship with him. It's not about the fact he's done this all before, or that someone has the same last name; it's that he's married and you got engaged. He lied to you and he's still lying to you.
You have nothing to weigh up; leave him.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/03/2025 09:32

limewonder · 10/03/2025 22:56

@saltandvinegarchipsticks yes, I never knew he’d even been married. And we’ve obviously spoken about marriage before. But he didn’t think to even mention it. That’s why I’m not buying his story of that he forgot because it was a small thing / short marriage

And proposing to you didn't jog his memory? There's no way he really forgot.

whathaveiforgotten · 11/03/2025 09:42

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:15

@whathaveiforgotten They’re both practically teenagers, they don’t want to be away from their friends at the weekend, this arrangement works best for the children

Oh so they've only just moved six hours away?

whathaveiforgotten · 11/03/2025 09:44

Him saying he forgot is an insult to you OP, what a ridiculous thing for him to have said! I hope he sits you down and apologises for saying that as well as for keeping this from you in the first place.

Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:50

I don’t know because a few people on here have said their partners forgot too, or they forgot themselves. So it is possible

OP posts:
ManyATrueWord · 11/03/2025 09:51

It's a HUGE deal. Was he going to commit bigamy?

scoobysnaxx · 11/03/2025 09:54

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:50

I don’t know because a few people on here have said their partners forgot too, or they forgot themselves. So it is possible

You cannot be naive like those people.

You can't forget you're married.

Marriage is a very serious contract between two people with far reaching consequences. As someone else said, he dies, she gets everything. He becomes ill, she'll be making his medical decisions.

If he hadn't divorced her before getting in new relationships I highly doubt he took marriage seriously in the first place. Otherwise you would realise the legal implications and divorce sharpish.

It's disgraceful to develop another relationship on the back of this. And then there is the lie about it all. And yes his parents have obviously hid it from you too.

Don't be played OP. It won't end well.

outerspacepotato · 11/03/2025 10:00

If your fiance thinks that actually being married to another woman is no big deal, maybe he's not quite the best husband material.

Outnumbered99 · 11/03/2025 10:00

limewonder · 10/03/2025 23:46

He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??

Of course its a big deal. Not that he's been married before, but the lying, how easy he seems to find it. I hope you are thinking very seriously about the situation OP

Superscientist · 11/03/2025 10:04

I think this is one of those situations where it's not the action but the response that's the biggest red flag.
If he responded with "oh crap I forgot, I need to sort that out before we get married" it would be different. You would know that he still valued you and our relationship. That you are actually engaged to be married and in the same relationship headspace.

He hasn't done this, he's minimising it and dismissing you. You aren't engaged to be married because he isn't available to be married and doesn't seem to be keen on changing this situation. You are wearing a pretty ring. It is a big thing because it's stopping you from moving forward with the relationship as planned.

DazzlingCuckoos · 11/03/2025 10:09

Given he's been through a bad reaction when his ex found out he was married (was this the reason they split up?), it's very, very unlikely that he "forgot" he was still married.

More likely he has backed himself into a corner of fearing a similar reaction from you and has been a dick and buried his head in the sand about it.

I'd be more annoyed at him trying to convince me he'd "forgotten" than if he'd just come clean and say "I'm so sorry - I was scared to tell you and then the longer it went on, the more I couldn't say anything."

What's done is done now though and only you can decide, OP, whether this is a relationship breaking thing. No matter what happens in your relationship, I hope he's got the message finally that he really, really needs to get this divorce sorted!

DazzlingCuckoos · 11/03/2025 10:11

ManyATrueWord · 11/03/2025 09:51

It's a HUGE deal. Was he going to commit bigamy?

But yes - if you'd booked and planned your wedding you'd have to sit down with a Registrar or Vicar and one of the first questions they ask is "have you ever been married before".

What was he planning on saying at that point??

outerspacepotato · 11/03/2025 10:12

You share a man, in fact she has more legal rights than you as she is his next of kin and you're worried about sharing a name?

Priorities!

rhomboidcube · 11/03/2025 10:14

I would be suspicious that he wanted to 'marry' you but have none of the legal financial ties that come with that.

The second 'wife' is never a legal wife in bigamy. She is entitled to absolutely nothing on divorce or death of the spouse.

Also he will have committed a crime.

He is an absolute dunderhead if he thinks him almost marrying you whilst married to someone else is 'no big deal' and you are over-reacting.

At best he is clueless and a bit thick and at worst, he was deliberately trying to deceive you so that the marriage was never valid.

Spirallingdownwards · 11/03/2025 10:24

So is he now starting divorce proceeding? Does he realise even if they don't own properties she may still have a claim over any savings, pensions and other assets as he might over hers.

Fortunately it was a short marriage (as in the time they stayed together as a couple) assuming he isn't lying about that. You do not forget you were once married but never divorced.

I anticipate he will now forget to file for a divorce but will pretend to you he is /has/ there are issues!

If he does get divorced and you get married you can retain your maiden name because as you have since accepted since your first comment she has no legal or moral obligation to change her name, which I suspect she shares with her children rather than just her ex.

AnSolas · 11/03/2025 10:25

limewonder · 11/03/2025 09:50

I don’t know because a few people on here have said their partners forgot too, or they forgot themselves. So it is possible

This has to be a windup

He is living unmarried with his now wife and still unmarried has 2 children with her.
His parents say get married or else.
He goes I will get married.
He fills in the paperwork and turns up and gets married.
He co-habits for 6 months and they split.
He remains married to her.
The mother of his children decided she and their children are better off moving back to her family for support in raising his children.
He used this as excuse for why he is not raising his children.
He is in a relationship with another woman and forgets that he is married
He is in a relationship with you and asks you to marry him but forgets that he is already married.

He is not exactly husband or father material, is he?

femfemlicious · 11/03/2025 10:28

How many ex wives does he have . Sounds like a recipe for disaster. Don't marry him.