Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

And she can't legally be his "ex" if they're still married. She's his wife.

He ‘forgot’ to get divorced
pull the other one it’s got knobs on
run 🏃

It's a huge deal!

This man is capable of forgetting he is married.

Not sure you want to marry him after his divorce comes through ……. he might “forget” that he is married to you when he’s on a drunken night out.

Hi OP, he’s betrayed your trust. And for no apparent reason. Why would he hide something like that? Then, he’s betraying your trust again saying he ‘forgot’. You don’t forget you’re married. That’s clearly a lie.

I see you’ve asked him to move out for a few days. I’d seriously consider this relationship and certainly wouldn’t put yourself at risk of pregnancy with him.

In the scant information you’ve given, it appears he doesn’t take much responsibility, including for being clear about how he feels, but just goes along with things:

• He had children with his wife but didn’t want to marry her
• He got married when he didn’t want to, then split within months
• He’s never sorted a divorce
• He’s trying for a child with you while still being married to someone else
• He’s got engaged to you while still being married to someone else.

Whose idea was it to try to a child with you and get engaged? Was it yours and he went along with it? How do you know it’s what he really wants when that’s what he appears to have done with his wife?

How you move forward depends on if you can trust him. I couldn’t trust someone who’d failed to be honest about something so important, then lied and said he forgot.

“He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??”

It’s an enormous deal, and a great big huge red flag. He is seemingly prepared to commit bigamy. What else has he “forgotten”, I wonder? If I were your mother, I’d be advising you in the strongest possible terms to run for the hills.

Thanks. Arithmetic + insomnia = confusion!

He isn’t very honest is he? He doesn’t think it’s a big deal that he hasn’t mentioned he’s already married when he asked you to marry him! I wonder what else isn’t a big deal to tell you…?

I think it’s wise that you asked him to leave so you can have some space.

I highly doubt he's some bigamist and jist a useless bloke who would have sorted it at some point.
Don't see the spiral in regards to wife still having his surname why wouldn't she? Even if they were divorced she might want the same surname as her kids many do

Stop trying for a baby for a start Calm down a bit and assess

This is a major deliberate betrayal that is impossible to take lightly.

His lie (that he forgot that he was married) and his minimising not only add to the betrayal but are massive insults to your intelligence. Impossible to get over.
He has no moral compass whatsoever and can never be trusted.
He will simply move on and find another unsuspecting woman to lead on and let down after she is hooked in. He has made a habit of it after all.

YANBU at all to demand he divorces.
But OP, you deserve much, much better than that. How can you ever trust him again if he has lied about something this important. It makes everything about your relationship utter nonsense.
I would be removing the engagement ring and telling him it was over the second you knew his proposal was all a big fat lie. A pretence. You took your obligations seriously, he didn’t. It’s that simple.

You are young enough to write this dreadful experience off and start again OP. Think hard about what you really want and need in your life partner, -father of your children.

So he's had the conversation with her about changing her name, and she's refused. He is clearly aware that he is married to this woman, and as it stands she's his current wife.

She's under no obligation to change her name. He is under obligation not to propose to you under the false pretences that he's free to marry you.

I wouldn't want to share his last name with him, never mind his ex. She's not your problem here. It's the liar under your nose that's the issue.

That's a hell of a thing for him to forget!! It's very lucky that you guys don't currently own property together etc, as if something happened to him, his wife could make a claim on his estate, any life insurance, pension, death in service pay outs etc (someone please correct me if I'm wrong there!). I'd be very concerned about him not mentioning something as significant as this...and I'd be looking closely at the legal implications of this situation (I had to change my will etc after divorce so that anything I have goes to my DC)

FWIW, after my divorce, I didn't want to go through the annoyance (and expense) of having to change my name back to my maiden name on everything (HMRC, DVLA, passport, banking, professional registrations, utilities etc etc). I'm certainly not keeping XH's name because I'm hankering after him etc (believe me, any woman who wants him is more than welcome to him and I wish them luck!). To change a name back is not cheap (from what I understand) and it's a real logistical pain. Most of my friends who have gone through a divorce have done the same as me (kept our married name). None of us want our ex-husbands back, and in a lot of cases it is also easier as we have kids.

I would strongly caution against TTC whilst he is still married to his wife (and whilst he is not married to you). If anything happened to him, or you guys split, you could be left in dire straits.

He has made you the other woman and entered into a relationship and proposed marriage to you when he knows he has no way of legally progressing to marrying you. So no marriage, no joint assets that his wife wouldn't have legal benefit of, if he dropped dead in the morning his wife would get death benefits, a couple of kids that he sees every now and then, what is the appeal of this guy really? Put on your trainers and run for the hills, thanking your lucky stars that you don't have any children with him and never need to see him again.

Yes but two different points. Both true.

OP this is an absolutely betrayal of the highest. He didn't forget, not for a second. Just thought he could play you and ignore it. Through conversations about marriage, he bit his tongue.

What does this say about what he thinks of you?

If he can lie about this, he can lie about anything.

And yes as a PP said, what were the conditions of their split? Did he fight to keep the kids here? Did he try his hardest to find a job and move there? How come he stayed behind?

Any devoted Dad would move heaven and earth to stay near their kids and play AN ACTIVE ROLE IN DAILY PARENTING. Not be part time Disney dad while his WIFE picks up the daily slog. All on her.

This would seriously impact my decision to leave.

Have a long chat with his ex if you can. He sounds like he's a head in the sand person leaving a trail of dissatisfaction behind him. You are forewarned, lucky escape.

OP, what did his parents have to say when you got engaged? Whilst it's perfectly possible that they too were under the impression he had divorced, it is the sort of thing a parent would generally know about their child as it tends to crop up in conversations. If they know he's still married, it doesn't say much for them either (or he's lying to them too).
Completely agree with everyone else. It's about a big a deal as it can be. How can he have forgotten that he is married yet know his current wife refuses to stop using "his" name? I'm sorry to say that your entire relationship is built on a lie and a bloody big one at that. You've no joint assets or children... run.

If your child moved six hours away would you really stay where you were and only see them in school holidays?

He could easily have done this in order to be closer to them at some point in the last decade.

I'd find it hard to think much of a bloke who didn't try to do that and just accepted seeing his kids in school holidays.

He went from living with them and seeing them every day to that? Wow.

Marriage is a very serious legal contract. If he dies, his wife will inherit. If he ends up in hospital, his wife will be next of kin and allowed to make decisions for him.

Your fiance has the strongest legal bond possible with another woman and ' forgot' to tell you about it. I'm so sorry, OP, but I think it might be time to walk away.

My late DH had not applied for a copy of his decree absolute, which caused a slight delay when we arranged our marriage. I had to collect mine from the Crown Court as well. But we had both managed to get ourselves properly divorced from previous spouses. How could one forget this? It means that you are still financially tied and other relationships are on a very shaky footing.
See what he does. If he seems unbothered do not stay with him.

I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex

@limewonder she can continue to use his surname if she wants to. You could choose to marry but not take his surname. That's the least of your worries

He "forgot" to tell you that (1) he got married before and (2) is still married?! Pull the other one. He knew how you'd feel about this and deliberately concealed vital information, to trick you. Reflect on that. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone who does that to you?

Even if he did divorce his wife now and continued on to marry you @limewonder , it's very likely that in a few years time this will be your future. The cycle will just repeat and you will be the secret wife to his new partners, they will be told the same implausible excuses you have been. And if you do end up having children together, he will probably leave when they are young enough to not understand so they can't blow his cover. Is this really what you want? Is everything he is saying not making you think that this could be you?

The way he talks about this situation and his wife is awful. He sounds extremely cold and breezy. I couldn't commit to this man at all. Imagine if he cheated, his excuse would be "sorry love, I forgot we were together, you know what my memory is like" 🤦🏽‍♀️

He could promise you the earth but will you ever know if hes marrying you out of love or just for the sake of it. It's clear to me that there is only 2 scenarios here. He is either future faking you or he was prepared to commit bigamy. I wouldnt even need time to think about this, i would be gone.

As others have said OP run. You don’t just forget you’re married. My husband told me when me met that he was still married and explained why he wasn’t divorced yet. We were talking marriage after around 6 months of dating but again he wasn’t divorced yet and told me he wasn’t asking until after his divorce was complete. You don’t forget you’re married and you fight for your children. Both of these show he is not a good partner and would not be a safe bet to have children with. The only upside is that you don’t own property together and so hopefully can make a clean break.

Please stop trying to get pregnant! You are not married, have zero security and are dating a demonstrated liar. Thank goodness you found all this out now.

I’m one of the very few who voted YABU, the reason being YABU to even consider trying to salvage a relationship with this joker. I’d be running a mile.