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AIBU?

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Original poster

Found out fiancé is married to someone else

355 replies

limewonder · 10/03/2025 21:10

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

OP posts:
BurgundyZero · 11/03/2025 06:38

There are so many men like this.

By the time he is 50 he will likely have racked up a few different babymummas, all of whom he made vague promises to in their turn. Don't be one of them.

He has already shown you his opinion of marriage (disparaging; by his own account he had to have his own arm twisted to afford that basic security to the mother of his children), of lying (second nature) and of you (shut up and take this fake promise ring and keep giving me sex).

Pudmyboy · 11/03/2025 06:39

He's actually been married for ten years to a woman he was actively together with for the first 7 years of his adult life and they're still raising two young children together. This was in no way a short, inconsequential marriage
This is a good point, the marriage isn't over @limewonder

Toddlerteaplease · 11/03/2025 06:41

Ph3 · 10/03/2025 21:11

He forgot to tell you he is still legally married? That’s what the said to you?

That's a very big thing not to have told you. It would be the end for me. How can you ever fully trust him.

OopsyDaisie · 11/03/2025 06:45

Yes, it's a big deal! Did you say you spoke to the wife? You met her? Assuming that was when he was visiting the kids? So she knew you were together but reacted very badly when she found out you're engaged?
This all sounds very deceitful and I would dump him if I were you....

RampantIvy · 11/03/2025 06:49

limewonder · 10/03/2025 23:46

He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??

He is gaslighting you and minimising imortant stuff.

but are trying for a baby

Stop, at once. Get back onto contraception immediately. Then make plans to leave. His lies aren't adding up. What else is he lying about?

When you meet someone else, unless you are a financially independent, it might be better to get married before you have a baby. Marriage is a legal contract and offers more protection.

historyrepeatz · 11/03/2025 06:51

It's a very, very big deal. Ex took it badly so instead of learning his lesson and dealing with the issue and choosing to be transparent with you, he omitted being married, again. He should be divorced and have a financial order in place before getting engaged and trying for children. Is he able to contribute to his existing children and any you have together?

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 11/03/2025 06:56

limewonder · 10/03/2025 23:46

He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??

Yes it’s definitely a big deal. There’s no way her forgot about this. He’s been deliberately lying to you by omission for four years. The fact that he started trying for a baby with you and got engaged to you and still didn’t tell you is absolutely appalling. I’d be rethinking this relationship if I were you.

PicaK · 11/03/2025 06:58

Bigamy.
It's a criminal offence and could lead to jail time. And he was going to involve you in that.
It's a minimising behaviour - what other laws and normal moral standards does he forget. Do you want to live with someone like that. Debts, drugs, non payment of taxes. You should check for those too.

SamanthaJonesWasRight · 11/03/2025 07:00

He doesn't respect you. At all.

He's a fantasist. I would be out of there like a shot. It's a big deal, he might not think so but he sounds soft in the head at best and a practised and strategic liar at worst.

Don't get pregnant. Don't get pregnant. Don't get pregnant. Leave him. Sell the ring if it's worth anything and not another fabrication, go on holiday with the proceeds to help flush this shit show out of your brain, and move on.

You're still young, this will become the mad story of when you got engaged to that bloke who was married if you let it. Don't make it the story of when you got pregnant with him and ended up finding out how good a liar he really was and how little he actually thought of you.

Cherrysoup · 11/03/2025 07:03

ToKittyornottoKitty · 10/03/2025 21:12

Do you own any property with him?

Oh gawd, could his wife claim part of it?!

Hollietree · 11/03/2025 07:06

Aside the fact you now know he is a big fat liar……

You were trying for a baby with a man who only sees his existing two children every 6/7 weeks? Madness. He is not great Father material.

And you keep asking things like am I being silly, is this a big deal etc. I’m sorry but you sound very naive and missing big red flags. Take a big step back and reassess this whole situation.

Shoxfordian · 11/03/2025 07:07

He's already married so he can't marry you. Did this not occur to him when he proposed? He's a liar and an idiot.

shuffleofftobuffalo · 11/03/2025 07:13

I experienced similar with a man who “forgot” he was still married and proposed.

No good will come of it - see it for the sign that it is. He is not able to marry you at the moment and the engagement is a performative breadcrumb.

stop trying for a baby - there is no fairytale ending here.

Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:18

@CharlotteSometimes1 No I didn’t ask if he’d been married before because he was 23 when they split!

OP posts:
Isthiswhatmenthink · 11/03/2025 07:19

Nanny0gg · 10/03/2025 23:47

It's a very big deal

He's a liar

Please don't get pregnant and start (quietly) making plans to leave

Show quote history

Yes. For god’s sake stop trying for a baby. This man is a dud.

Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:21

@Hollietree She moved to the other side of the country to be near family, it’s a 6 hour journey to get there to pick them up and 6 hours back on a good day without traffic so he can’t see them every weekend

OP posts:
sheep73 · 11/03/2025 07:24

Def don't have a baby with this guy.

I've been married before briefly. I don't advertise it but I certainly know it and didn't hide it to my second husband.

Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:25

I found out this morning that she has his last name still too. That’s why I could never find her on facebook, I was typing in the wrong name. He said she refused to change it back. I don’t wanna share his last name with his ex.

OP posts:
Fetchthevet · 11/03/2025 07:27
Biscuit
CaptainMyCaptain · 11/03/2025 07:27

She's under no obligation to change her name. A lot of women prefer to keep the same name as their children.

Original poster
limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:34

@CaptainMyCaptain no of course not, I’d never expect her to change her name

Im going to ask him to leave this morning for a week or so because I need space to figure out what I want to do

OP posts:
TiredCatLady · 11/03/2025 07:36

This won’t be the only lie he’s told you. I wonder what else you might find out from his ex?

A 10 year marriage (because that’s what it is) is not insignificant. How do you know he’s being honest about when or how they split up?

Do not have a baby with this man.

He’s a walking, talking red flag.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 11/03/2025 07:38

Agree with everyone else. You don't 'forget' something like this.

Don't have a baby with him, honestly. He's not what you think he is.

Superhansrantowindsor · 11/03/2025 07:46

Trust is one of the most important things in a relationship. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS LIAR.

Hollietree · 11/03/2025 07:47

limewonder · 11/03/2025 07:21

@Hollietree She moved to the other side of the country to be near family, it’s a 6 hour journey to get there to pick them up and 6 hours back on a good day without traffic so he can’t see them every weekend

Did he take legal action to try stop her moving his children a 6 hour drive away from him?

And if that didn’t work, did he do an extensive job search where his children moved to, so that he could try move there also?

I would do both of those things if my children were being moved to the other side of the country. Wouldn’t you?