Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

His excuse is that he forgot.?

It would obviously be unethical to marry someone with such limited mental competency that they don't know if they're already married to someone else.

Walk away.

ETA: Get back on reliable birth control immediately if you can't summon the backbone to walk away today.

You're young and deserve better. Dump him and move on. He won't be a good husband or father if he thinks this is normal.

@sueelleker They were together for 7 years, got married after having kids (6th year of being together) and then split 6 months after getting married

God he sounds like a weasel.

No, he was hiding INSPITE of his ex reacting 'badly' (not sure how anyone would react well to being lied to about such a thing). Not because of.

He treated her shittily and, hasnt changed. He's lied to you too and he'll happily tell the next woman YOU were the issue and you 'reacted badly' and on and on. Because he is a liar and a mysoginst and he doesn't care about anyone apart from himself.

Seeing the pattern where he's a douche and yet nothings ever his fault, he has no control over his own life wah wah poor him, yet?

Run for the fucking hills love!

Op are you actually going to stay with this big fat liar? He has been deceiving you from the start. Where's your self respect? There's no relationship without trust.

Your entire relationship was built on a lie. How can you ever trust him again?

You forget to put the washing machine on, you forget to take the bins out - you don’t forget your married…

He’s making it seem like it’s not a big deal. This is a big deal right??

It's a very big deal

He's a liar

Please don't get pregnant and start (quietly) making plans to leave

OP, he's conning you.

But even if he weren't, why would you even consider marrying someone when he's just very clearly told you that he thinks marriage is an unimportant, forgettable detail? He'll "forget" your marriage the second it becomes inconvenient to him as well.

Textbook gaslighting.

It's perfectly possible that it's not a big deal to him, even though it is to you.

It's not a big deal to him potentially because it was a very short marriage that ended years ago, before you even met.

It's a big deal to you because you weren't aware of his marital status, and you understandably probably thought you'd be his first wife.

I was married briefly and as time goes on, it's no longer a big deal and would actually be annoyed if someone made out it was a big deal (I don't need reminded of the biggest mistake of my life). We only divorced after I'd started seeing my now husband #2. Yet we'd been separated for years. Although, the difference is, I told my boyfriend from the start that I'd been married before.

Personally, I don't see this as a massive deal. Sometimes I also forget that I was married before. I think it shows that he doesn't have feelings for her in that respect if he forgets it so easily. His only mistake here is never ever telling you, surely it must have crossed his mind at some point in the last 4 years?!

My only worry here is that if you hadn't found out, would he have illegally married you? Or did he propose with no intention on following through with actually getting married? The fact you were TTC makes me wonder if it was just a shut-her-up proposal. Give her a baby and hope she forgets about the whole getting married business. So I'd be wondering what his true intentions were.

@ReadingSoManyThreads did you happen to forget you were still married to someone while still sharing two young children with them?

I'm sorry, but claiming he forgot he was married to the mother of his children while getting engaged to someone else is pure bullshit. He didn't forget, he hid it. And after one woman left him for hiding that fact he actively chose to do the same to another woman. Why downplay this?

But you wouldn't forget that you didn't get divorced.

When you first got together with him and he told you that he had kids from a previous relationship surely you’d have asked if they were married? Especially since they were together for 6 years.

I'm just giving my perspective as someone who had a previous short marriage.

Obviously he hasn't forgotten the mother of his two children exist, as I hadn't forgotten my husband #1's existence. But with the marriages being short in both cases, it doesn't surprise me that you can forgot that you were married. He was with her for a long time but only married for 6 months, several years ago, I can see why it's easily forgotten and not a big deal for him.

As I said, just giving my perspective. But if you did read the last paragraph of my previous comment you'd see that I did question things from his perspective.

You definitely don't forget you've been married twice over...

He's absolutely bullshitting you expecting you to believe that he forgot he was married, his ex found out and went ballistic, then he got with you and forgot again

If he's not lying then he needs to get himself to the dementia clinic asap because that's not a remotely normal level of forgetfulness...

Run and don't look back!

Exactly. This is what I was thinking. I thought she was about to say she only just found out about an existing wife and family.
He has no business proposing if he's not free to marry. That's deal breaker territory. What else of importance has he forgot to mention?

This would end the relationship for me op.

He's lied to you, he proposed to you under false pretences knowing he couldn't marry you. He was prepared to have children with you while lying to you. And he's done this all before so he knows why honesty should have been key here. And tbh I think the reasoning and the minimising he's given you up to now is gaslighting.

I think you're in a really good position here to walk away given you rent and have no kids. Never trust a liar op.

He was with her for a long time but only married for 6 months, several years ago,

Well no. He's actually been married for ten years to a woman he was actively together with for the first 7 years of his adult life and they're still raising two young children together. This was in no way a short, inconsequential marriage.

I fully understand why some people will very reasonably consign the memories of short, child-free marriages to their past in a sort of "that was a different phase of my life and I feel like a different person now" way. But that's not at all relevant here and recounting that to OP while this arse is trying to gaslight her into believing he actually just forgot he was married when he met, started trying to conceive and got engaged to her is really unhelpful.

It's one thing to forget to mention divorce when you've been split for years, but to fail to mention you were married before (and actually still are!) is insane.

In fact it's all insane.

I'd be wondering what else he's hiding.

It's obviously bullshit that he 'forgot'. Not something you can forget, especially when he forgot during his previous relationship and it sounds like the shit hit the fan when his ex found out. For anyone to forget twice they must have early onset dementia!

There's no rules (except perhaps moral ones) to stop someone who's still married from getting engaged to someone else. Maybe he was expecting to get divorced (quietly!) before you two got to the marriage stage? To be honest though, it sounds more like he was just burying his head in the sand and perhaps the proposal was a bit hollow. I'm not sure I could regain trust in someone who's kept something so significant from me though.

In a similar situation (but afaik without the secrecy) my DP is still married to her ex husband, despite them separating 10 years ago. Her ex though has proposed to his current partner and now they've been engaged for about 3.5 years. No idea what she thinks of that situation, but I've no reason to think she doesn't know that he's still married. He told the kids (that he shares with my DP) that it would be about 5 years before they actually marry, not sure if that's to buy some time to get the divorce sorted out. But so far, my DP and her ex husband haven't had any discussion about actually getting divorced yet. Doesn't seem like his 5 year plan is very likely to happen on time!

It sounds like he's trying to weasel out of his lie, now that he's busted. He told you he lied to you because of his last girlfriend's reaction when she caught him in the same lie? So it's... her fault that he lied about the same thing to you now? I mean, what sort of reaction was he expecting, when she caught him in a significant, ongoing lie?! His trying to play the victim is pretty icky.

Also, he "forgot" he was still married but apparently, he WAS reminded of that "small" fact by his ex-girlfriend. But then he... forgot again? LOL

So, getting a straight answer from him is like trying to nail jello to the wall. Does he often try to play stupid to escape responsibility for his mistreatment of others?

His behavior is highly dishonest and abnormal. How can you trust him with anything, when he's capable of such ongoing, serious deceit and doesn't think it matters? He is disrespecting you hugely, for one thing. You had the right to know if your partner was married to someone else and the right to decide for yourself if you wanted to live with or get deeply involved with someone who didn't feel like getting legally divorced. As we see here, it's really done a number on your trust. There could also have been serious financial repercussions for you, in various ways. He didn't think you had the right to know this and he wasn't even the one who told you about it when he let you post your couple info. on FB. How embarrassing.

Another issue is why he's lying. I'm guessing he is trying to get out of paying child support? Or he wants to pull his marriage license out of his back pocket as an excuse to not get married again, should he get cornered for real rather than just with distant plans?

People generally don't do strange things for no reason. So what's he getting out of this dishonest, "duh, I don't understand the basic rules everyone else goes by and expects" manipulating? And of course, what ELSE is he lying about? You can't trust a liar.

Otherwise, he just has a loose and convenient relationship with telling his partners the truth, or there is something psychologically wrong with him.

Also, not really the point here I guess, but I was a bit confused at your statement that you wouldn't have wanted to marry someone who had been married before. Well, yes, you SHOULD have had the right to decide from early on if you wanted to get involved with someone who was not only divorced but still legally married. But, you do know that his having children is way more involved for you than his having an ex-spouse, right? (Well, in his case, a current spouse, legally speaking).

Anyway, I suggest not letting him off the hook for this enormous, flaming hot red flag lie. I suggest you stop trying to have a baby with him and demand he attend couple counseling with you, if you're even going to stay with him now. Don't accept a guy who thinks it's no big deal to tell you serious, ongoing lies. It's obviously NOT a little nothing to you and I doubt it would be to anyone who had gotten serious about him.

HAS he told you other lies, by the way? You might want to talk to that ex-girlfriend again.

Best wishes

Major red flag… you don’t just forget you are married to someone… plus you can’t get married to him if he’s still married…

Also if his wife reacted badly you know that it’s not quite over.

The main thing is he sounds incredibly untrustworthy. Only you know if you want to stay with someone like that.

Id be packing my bags and leaving.