Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

My exH rang me to tell me he was getting married and could he come with his new fiancée to tell our children. I reminded him that we were yet to divorce - that threw a real spanner in the works for their wedding prep. His fiancée of course had assumed we’d divorced but my ex isn’t the most dynamic or intelligent so he never thought to say anything.

No it's not silly

plus we're talking about a man who got married and had children very young and couldn't cope. That's a crazy amount of baggage.

don't have a baby with him. He's not really an adult. I'm sorry but I'd end it.

I think you’re nuts if you don’t dump him.

And someone for whom lying isn't as natural as breathing. Please don't have to baby with this man.

What a horrible shock.

We don’t have kids together but are trying for a baby,

I hope that is now were trying for a baby. Whatever else you decide here, having a baby with a man married to someone else is not great.

Well, if you do that you’re not to smart. You know the facts. I’m thinking this is a bot thread.

. And the thing is i’m a bit younger than him (i’m 27, he’s 33), and I don’t think I would have got with someone if I knew they’d been married before. Does that sound silly?

Have I go this right? He's 33 and had 2 divorces already and you'd be wife No 3?

He doesn't sound reliable and he's not free to marry you.

I'd be very very wary of someone so young being married twice by their early 30s.

You need to end this.

He’s 33 with two failed marriages.

Marriage doesn’t suit him, OP.

By chance, his name is not Ross Geller is it?

You’re not making a big deal out of it!

Fundamentally, you think marriage is special and important.

He obviously doesn’t and sees it more as a set of behaviours not a legally binding exclusive contract.

Wait, you didn’t even know he’d been married?

Thats a heck of a lie by omission.

@ThatOtherAustenSister no he’s only been married once. He was with his other ex for a year before we got together, but they were never married.

He got married when he was 23 and they split 6 months after.

@saltandvinegarchipsticks yes, I never knew he’d even been married. And we’ve obviously spoken about marriage before. But he didn’t think to even mention it. That’s why I’m not buying his story of that he forgot because it was a small thing / short marriage

Wow, absolutely, you don’t forget that. When I was young and daft I got married, it didn’t last long at all and it was a stupid and regrettable decision, but when I met my husband I told him within weeks (oh, and I had got divorced as soon as I was able to). You just don’t hide this sort of thing from someone you have any respect for. At minimum it’s completely tarnished what should be a joyful time for you. I’d struggle to get past this.

But he has children with his first wife, right, so that’s a big deal. Bigamy is a crime in the UK; you can actually go to prison for it. So he can’t marry you at the moment and you’re not engaged. He sounds pretty dozy rather than malicious. But yes, put the brakes on trying to conceive. Let him get properly sorted out.

It is to point out that there are significant implications if you dont get divorced when the relationship ceases.

For example the lottery winner whose wife stepped in to claim half as they had never divorced despite having been separated for years

How do they have kids aged 12 and 14 together if they split after 6 months?

Please tell us you don't co own a property or have shared finances with him. If he dies intestate, they're hers.

I'd withdraw and insist they sort this out as a condition of stayimg with him - if you still want to risk your chances of future happiness with this man - at best useless, at worst a liar with bigamous intent!

because they got married 10 years ago, so presumably after having their children.

It's still not something you 'forget' to tell your future partners about though!

OP had already said that they rent (not own) a property together. He also doesn't own anything with his wife.

Oh for the love of god do not have children with this liar.

This is just odd. Surelt the wife would have known you got engaged. And how can you forget you are married??
4 years into a relationship you would think at some point you would have spoken about his divorce? Have you never once spoken about that in four years. I would have had so many questions for my partner if they were divorced, like why, how and when for a start.

This is all so weird.

He must be saying that because he thinks it is what you want to hear, otherwise how could you ever know he would be marrying you because he wants to, rather than he feels 'pressured into it'.

Chances are he had no intention of marrying you and was planning on an open ended engagement otherwise he would never have proposed without dealing with his divorce first, he could have done it when his ex found out 5/6 years ago, the fact that he has continued to ignore it and is now lying to you about it means he had no intention of going through with marrying you.

He got married and left the mother of his children 6 months later, years after having children with her. Never bothered to get divorced even after another ex had a bad reaction to him still being married. He barely sees his children. He lied to you.

Why do you think it's a good idea to have another child he won't bother to see with this prince?

How does he have kids (plural) if he was only with her for six months?