Found out fiancé is married to someone else

[limewonder]

Hi
I found out my DP of 4 years is married
The way I found out is his ex (not his wife, the one after her but before me) messaged me on facebook and told me as she’d seen our engagement post.

I’ve met his wife loads as they share kids (age 12&14 together). They split 9 years ago but apparently never sorted the divorce out.

Not sure what to make of this, i don’t know why he kept this from me. His excuse is that he forgot.? AIBU to demand he get a divorce or we’re over? I’m not even sure what his plan was here, marry me while still married to his ex?

They're not saying it's the wife's fault, but pointing out that both the husband and the wife forgot (it seems). Their home life must have been a bit chaotic with them being SO absent minded!

I didn’t get divorced for about 10 years after we separated. But I certainly never forgot I was still married. Nor did I get engaged to anyone else.

No, they take people at their word at the registry office in England when they interview them when they give notice.

This is why

a) the notices are displayed in public in advance of the wedding, to give people the opportunity to object, and

b) they ask during the ceremony if anyone knows any just cause why the couple may not be married.

What has that got to do with the OP?

My step dad hadn’t fully divorce his ex wife. Only found out when we went to marry my mum. He had a decree nisi but hadn’t partitioned for the decree absolute. It’s an odd process indeed. Mum was furious but it all worked out in the end and they are still happy together 30 years later

I know there are some things that people can easily forget but forgetting the fact he is still married is defo not a mistake unless he has a medical diagnosis relating to memory issues

I think this is what they mean what it’s like being sucked in by a total narcissist. They have no moral compass, no integrity, no empathy. They are just big black holes of evil intent. I’m kind of glad you found out but you take care of yourself. That’s a big punch in the face.

I would also be concerned it took someone so removed from the situation to let you know. I'd be pretty sure the ex has her own experience with him which is why she gave you the heads up. Might not be the first time he has done this.

When I got divorced many years ago, I was supposed to have set the ball rolling but was in the process of moving job and house at the end of the waiting period for a no fault one. My ex finally sent me a solicitor's letter about 6 months after, asking if I was going to get on with it, or should he. For me it was out of sight, very much out of mind, but what's his excuse when he's seeing her regularly and parenting together?

Sorry, I made this post then my mum called me and I forgot about it.

We own 0 properties and he owns 0 with his wife. He’s acting like it’s not a big thing, am I overreacting here?

The kids know we are engaged but they were very young when they split so maybe didn’t know either, or just assumed they weren’t married anymore, not sure what they think.

His wife only just found out we are engaged, I don’t have her on facebook, she lives the other side of the country so he only has the kids in half terms / school holidays so the last time we saw her was feb half term.

He’s not by any chance received his decree nisi and thought that was it final has he? My friend got a shock when she received her absolute as she genuinely thought she was already divorced, I don’t know how it all works but apparently her ex applied for the absolute the way you are supposed to! In her defence it was a very young very short marriage and it’s funny all these years later!

He said he never wanted to marry her but had family pressuring him (his mum and dad have been together for 50+ years) and they had kids together. Apparently a small thing at the registry office and they split 6 months after getting married. I think he’s trying to minimise it.

@DSquared You’re correct, his ex had to find out through someone else before too. So now it feels like he was purposely hiding it, because apparently his ex reacted badly.

Come on OP grow a backbone. He forgot? What nonsense you don't forget you are already married and agree to marry someone else!

He obviously thinks you are very gullible.... are you?

But you can’t be engaged bc he’s already married. Wake up and smell the coffee. This is not in any way normal. Please run away

You mean to write he's still married to his ex.

Yeah, all of it is weird, but the guy's got some balls on him. I'd dump the fucker.

He can minimise it all he likes but the reality is that he can't get married so he shouldn't have gotten engaged.

This little episode will be your life if you stay with this person. He just wants the next best thing. Your time will be up too. Some one younger will come along after you and he’ll do the same.

We don’t have kids together but are trying for a baby, we live together too (rented). I’m gutted that he’s done this whole thing before with his ex / wife. Obviously I know he has kids but he made out the relationship was bad and they weren’t close. But he was happy to marry her. And the thing is i’m a bit younger than him (i’m 27, he’s 33), and I don’t think I would have got with someone if I knew they’d been married before. Does that sound silly?

Run. Very fast and as far away as possible.

Well clearly you need to stop trying for a baby pronto and hand the ring back. He isn't free to marry.

He has form for not telling partners he's married. It's a big fucking lie that was completely unnecessary. Can you trust him going forwards?

Please don’t and I’m sure you’re gorgeous and can go out and find someone else that’s normal. Don’t waste anymore of your time with this man. Walk away with dignity. You don’t need him.

You're only 27. Get out of this now and fund someone with less baggage.

So you have prove that he is a liar.

What are you going to do now? It must be an awful shock but you need to make decisions for you / your life.