Is it ever ok to message the OW

[Dorothyy]

So my partner and I split last year and within weeks he was with this new woman, obviously part of me believes it was going on before and they used to go out together frequently whilst I was at home looking after our children (not on their own but as a group of colleagues) I feel so stupid as I did question it at the time and she was just a friend apparently. I had a few wines the other night and stupidly messaged her just asking when this started, obviously didn’t get a reply

I agree with this even though it's harsh.

You have questions naturally because its hurts to imagine he might have been playing you but remember you split up for good reason so there's no point in wondering about it anymore. Either way, he's not the one! Do you need her number? I'd get rid of it in case you are tempted to send any more messages. It's best to leave them to it.

I don't think it's a big deal, OP. If you're right, they should both be feeling pretty shabby right now about the fact you've put 2+2 together and know he cheated with her. Walk away from the situation now though - 100 per cent don't contact either of them again.

Oh, I see now you've got kids together so no chance of a clean break. Sorry about that.

In this case probably not. In some cases yes. I was an "OW" - 23 and had an affair with a 41 year old man who was living in a different country from his wife and children. he also told the family about me and people in our community knew.
I ended it because I didn't want to make a life with him.
Thirty years later, long after the man and his wife had divorced, she wrote to me. She seemed really distraught and said I had ruined her life how could I do this etc. they had divorced (and he married a much younger woman and I think had another child).
I had always felt guilty about this relationship. I googled her and found out her dad had just died and guessed she was grieving. I wrote back and apologised. I said she had always behaved with dignity throughout. I said there was no excuse but for context I was 23 and heartbroken at the time. I went back to my ex but that he ended up marrying someone else (I didn't tell her I'd left him). I said I was a single mother of two children (I didn't say I didn't mind that at all!). I didn't tell her what her ex husband told me - that he had previously had ten one night stands and flings which he had hidden from his wife.
She wrote back and seemed so relieved. She wanted to be friends (!) which I tactfully swerved. I said if she ever had anything she needed to ask me to get in touch but I have never heard from her again.
I feel like this encounter was good for the both of us.

Being the OW by accident is completely different though is it. This woman knew he had a family and continued to Perdue whatever it was they were doing on these festival weekends. She had his coat on her knee on a picture and I questioned it but apparently I’m crazy!

Jesus I’ve just noticed the spelling mistakes in this! I’ve not touched any wine I promise! Haha

That's an unnecessarily mean response. Why don't you kick someone while they're down?

I fail to see why op has 'lowered' herself to this woman.

Wanting a man who has shit on you to then shit on someone else is not any kind of payback.

Of course it is! Even better if the ow had a fling and cheated on the cheater. Fingers crossed for that one op .

I’m sorry but you may not have taken any vows as the single person, but you still owe common decency to others.

No way a woman who was going out with a married man the majority of the week wasn’t aware she was up to no good with him. They’re both trash.

Why do they do it? Usually liars and cheats keep their lying and cheating secret but ow/om are literally saying it's fine to lie and cheat and encourage it. They need to raise their bars a bit.

This is naive. A lot of "ow" are known to the wife as a work colleague, friend, fellow school gate parent. The only circumstances in which an ow is not morally at fault is if she genuinely did not know.

This has been done to death on here and there's no need to do it again but the idea that you can knowingly act in a way that contributes to immense emotional and practical damage to another person and sometimes children and not be seen as anything other than culpable (not solely or jointly or a certain %) but to some degree is depressing. It doesn't let the man off the hook or in any way lessen the blame attached to him to also assign some to the ow.

He has blocked me on everything now as I tried to message about the kids but realistically I don’t need to hear from them

This is why I think this course of action is largely nonsensical.

Most times it doesn't bring you the closure you seek.

She's ignored you, they've closed ranks on you and now you're in even more turmoil.

These two people are not worth all this angst, @Dorothyy . You need to start figuring a way to lift yourself out of this drama. Work on why you sat for years with someone who treated you poorly.

It’s very unlikely.

Some people like the thrill of deluding themselves into thinking they “stole” someone because they’re so special and irresistible. What causes that I don’t know, they’d need to address that in therapy.

Ages ago I got a really bitchy message from some OW and she really thought she did something. I’ve never heard of this person but it transpired she had an habit of getting with coworkers in relationships.

'This has been done to death on here and there's no need to do it again but the idea that you can knowingly act in a way that contributes to immense emotional and practical damage to another person and sometimes children and not be seen as anything other than culpable (not solely or jointly or a certain %) but to some degree is depressing. It doesn't let the man off the hook or in any way lessen the blame attached to him to also assign some to the ow.'

Exactly. I'd bet the 'I had no idea she/he was married' flings are a tiny minority.

They will have done all sorts behind your back. You can ask OW whatever the hell you want .

(Apologies for the trash talk)

Do you know I feel completely different today like after everything he had said to hurt me, I am relieved he has blocked me and relieved I can no longer talk to him? Why is that?

Is it weird that I am glad I cannot contact him even if I wanted to? I am so relieved he has blocked me

Maybe the penny finally dropped that he’s just a shit person.

I was cheated on in two occasions and very different circumstances. With the one that was just a horrid person (he just pulled up with the OW one day and… moved her in) I moved on so much faster: I was hurt and shocked, but mostly relieved that he was someone else’s problem.

Blocking you OP is blocking his children. The other woman if she had any sense of decency would insist he kept in touch with you if only for the children. You can relax now knowing this debacle is not your fault. The chickens will come home to roost when he realises what he's missing in his life. Stay strong 💪

In the circumstances in which you messaged her - no it was not ok. But you know that. I get it though, the pain of separation, him rapidly moving on, alcohol….

But focus on letting go and moving on. Even if it started when you were together - how will that help you knowing that?

And delete her number (why do you have it?)